


There will be no good night

by Sternenzauber



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Carl is a Little, Character Death, Corporal Punishment, Dissociation, Dubious Consent, Dubious Morality, M/M, Non-Consensual Spanking, Punishment, Restraints, Solitary Confinement, Tickling, but acts much much younger, cellar, cold shower, confinment, he is like sixteen, its because of Loris death, neglectfull behaviour, not very nice Negan, sexual abuse of a minor, sick! Rick, spanking as stress relief, stepdaddy!Negan, underage Carl
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 08:21:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 33
Words: 50,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14445219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sternenzauber/pseuds/Sternenzauber
Summary: Carl is trying hard to get along with his stepfather Negan. Well, the man isnt easy to please





	1. Stepfather

**Author's Note:**

> I m going to hell for this

„Carl? I m off to the station, I m in a hurry, Shane called in sick, I have to do the night shift aswell. If you ask real nicely maybe Negan will give you a ride to school. Be good for your stepdad, right? I love you!“   
The door slammed shut. Negan heared a sigh from upstairs. He grinned to himself. Humming more for his own ears then for his little stepdaughter, he took Judith out of her highchair.  
„Come on little princess, lets find your jacket. Are you looking forward to your daycarecenter? Yes you are. They are nice there, right?“  
Negan heared footsteps behind him. Carl peeked around the corner, smiling shyly. Even after three month, he never talked much with Negan.  
„Up allready, sleeping beauty? Dont stand about, go brush your teeth and bring me my damn coffee.“  
Obediently the boy turned around and went to work on the coffeemaker.  
„And I better not catch you slacking at running laps today, you hear me?“  
„No sir, I ll try my very best. Promise.“ Carl approached Negan carefully from behind, wrapped his arms around his chest and held out the cup. He allways tried to sneak a cuddle in. Negan had caught on pretty quickly that the kid strived on body contact.  
„May I watch you and the team today?“ Bright eyes looked up at him adoringly. Negan never doubted for a second that the kid worshipped the ground he walked on. Carl loved him. He just never understood why.  
„Did you earn that?“, he turned around and snapped down on the boy. Carl flinched slightly, but didnt let go.   
„Please?“  
Running his fingers through Carls hair, caressing the back of his neck he said patronizingly: „We shall see. Be good, right?“ Soft squeeze, a slight warning.  
His stepson noozled into Negans arm. The man allowed it for a minute, then he withdrew. „Go get ready, we are leaving in five minutes and I swear, I ll drag your boxerclad ass out of the bathroom and you can forget about your jeans! Get going!“ A quick slap to Carls bottom for good measure and Carl fled.

Negan had allways thought that his strict and stern demenor would scare Carl off. True, the boy was allways a bit nervous around him. It was cute and adorable. Sometimes Negan would hide behind a corner in the house and scare Carl a bit. The boy would screetch, then the shocked cry would turn to laughter. It was too precious to give up on.  
Maybe Carl thought that he could soften Negan up. What a joke.  
Negan made sure that once a day they would find the time to joust about. Somehow Negan could be as rough as he wanted with Carl, his stepson would allways end up under him, laughing happily. Maybe the boy wasnt right in the head.

Dropping Carl off at class was the same ritual every day. A swift kiss to the forehead, a warning: „Be good“ and off he went. Out of Negans hair for a while. But the man couldnt resist checking in on him every so often during the day.   
Thats when he got to know about the math fuck up. The boy was in for it. There would be no good night. Not tonight. Well, at least not for Carl.


	2. Stepson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ending the night

„Why are you nice to him? He treats you like Cinderella in the fairytale.“  
„Because he matters to my dad. And he can be really nice, he just has a hard time showing it.“  
Enid huffed. „The man is a bloody monster. Ron told me he bans you to the corner in every gymlesson.“  
„Ron is exaggerating. Besides, what good would it do, if I acted out around him?“  
Enid didnt have an answer for that. „Come on, we have math in 5 minutes.“

Carl dragged his feet to Negans playfield. Normally he always enjoyed watching his stepfather with the team. But today the thought of looking Negan in the eye scared him.  
From time to time Negan looked up. His gaze shot through Carls soul. The bad feeling of having disapointed his stepfather flooded through him. Dutifully he took his mathbook out of his bag and started with correcting. Carl got carried away with the math problems, so he flinched violently when he heared Negan smacking his palm against the schoolpaddle in his other hand.  
„I m guessing this one comes home with us tonight. Right?“  
When the boy hang his head, Negan caught his chin with his fingers.   
„Hey. Cheer up a bit. We ve got this. Maybe we can arrange something with the math teacher. You can do it verbal or hand in extra stuff.“  
Carls expression light up a bit.   
„I ll help you with it, if you want to.“  
Eagerly the boy nodded. Then his mood dropped again. „Will you tell dad?“  
„God, where are we, kindergarden? We ll settle that like men, yeah?“  
Carl nodded again and swallowed. „How…how many?“  
„Depends. Let me have a look.“

It seemingly took forever to scan over the math problems and their correction. Then, out of nowhere, the paddle cracked down once on Carls behind. The boy flinched and cried out in shock.  
„Please tell me you are joking, Carl Richard Grimes! Are you fucking kidding me?! How come you totally fucked this up and you can do allright in the correction?! You could have easily had a C or even a B!“  
„I m sorry daddy!“ As soon as the words were out he clapped a hand over his mouth and stared at Negan in shock. But Negan didnt look angrier. He touched Carls cheek and told the boy to wait in the car.

Carl rolled himself into a ball on the passanger seat. He just wished Negan had taken him over his knee right then and there. At least it would have been over allready.  
They drove home in silence, picked up Judith and prepared dinner. Carl didnt touch his food. He just fed Judith and carried her around until she got sleepy.  
„Carl. Sit down and eat. I ll put her to bed.“

When Negan returned to the table twenty minutes later Carl still hadnt touched any of his food.   
„Allright, young man, lets get this over and done with. You know what this punishment is for?“  
„Yes sir. I fucked up math.“  
„Right. And that will be ten more for the language. Go get me the paddle. I put it on the drawer.“  
„But…but…you use that word too.“  
„Five more for arguing and five more for talking back. Go get it or you ll get ten more for stalling.“  
Carl obeyed. He was crying softly allready when he handed Negan the paddle.  
Negan put him in position and undid his jeans. He took his time inspecting the boy, checking for fading marks of previous punishments. Carl glowed red in humiliation. Secretly Negan waited for a „Get your hands off me! If you touch me again I ll kill you! You have no business punishing me and back off allready!“ But it never came.  
„You know the rules, boy?“  
„Yes sir“, Carl answered so softly that Negan almost missed it.   
„Speak up, Carl Richard!“ Now he just strived on the torture he inflincted on his poor stepson. Negan knew he would go to hell for this.  
„Yes sir. I have to count and say thank you.“  
„Good boy. Or should I say bad boy?“ He didnt tell Carl how many he would get, even though the boy would beg him to tell him each and every time. Secretly it was a mercy for Carl. If he didnt know how many Negan had planned he could just stop whenever he had the feeling that the boy had learned his lesson.  
Carl didnt try to get up, didnt try to fight, didnt shield himself, he just took it obediently. Sometimes he would turn a bit and meet Negans eyes.

As soon as it was over Carl turned around and went in for the cuddle. It was almost too cute. Negan chuckled lowley. The boy should be running and hiding if he knew what was good for him. He didnt.  
„Now, go stand in the corner for ten minutes, then its bed time. No arguing.“  
Negan used the time to check in on Judith and brush his teeth. Then he released the boy from the corner a minute early, small mercys went a long way, gave him a kiss to the forhead and sent him to bed. 

Negan went to his own bed and started counting. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…He didnt even reach five, when he heared low steps outside his door and a minute later he heared a tentative knock.   
„Come in. Carl. Anything I can help you with?“ Negan smiled. His cruelty knew no end. A moment later he had a lapfull of crying boy in his arms. Carl nudged his nose into Negans chest and sobbed softly.  
„Do you still love me?“  
„Now, dont be ridicoulos.“  
„May I please sleep here with you tonight?“  
„Did you earn that, my boy?“ Cruelty had a new name. Negan.  
„Please, daddy…“ Dont leave me alone tonight. I m so lonely. I m so scared. Thats what Carl didnt say. Negan understood him anyway.  
His stepfather took him into his arms and gently ran his fingers thorugh Carls hair, effectivly calming the distraught boy down. Negans hand wandered down to Carls neck and his chest.   
„You want this, sweetheart? You tell me no if you get scared right? But you dont need to be afraid, daddy only wants to calm you down a bit.“  
In reality Negan could have tried to pull Carls front teeth out at this moment and Carl wouldnt even have had a single thought of insubordination.  
Cuddeling closer, Carl looked into Negans eyes adoringly. „You are so handsome. I wished I was as strong as you.“  
Negan chuckled. Could this boy get any more adorable?   
„Good night kiss, angel?“ Eagerly Carl nodded and received a soft kiss to the forehead. His stepson giggled.   
„Your beard is tickeling me.“  
„Oh really? Weeeeell…..not only my beard.“ Carl trashed around under him, Negan was sure his giggles could be heared down the street. His stepson just loved being tickled.  
Negan ressumed his soft touches. Carls cheekbones, Carls collarbones, carls hipbones. Being ticklish at the knees was just downright adorable.   
„Please dont, daddy, dont… Have mercy…no…“ Carl giggled.   
„You know I have no mercy, angel. I havent even started yet. Be good and try to keep still, boy, otherwise…the paddle isnt sleeping yet.“  
Of course it was so downright unfair to threaten his stepson now. The poor kid couldnt help it after all. But god forbid if Negan would be caught going soft on him.  
Negan would never admit this to anyone, but he loved hearing Carl laughing.  
When his stepson was finally out of breath, Negan relented, kissed him on the forhead again and started humming a lullaby. Then he nudged Carl to the end of the bed.   
„Curl up there like the good boy you can be. See? Good boy. Sleep tight, my boy.“  
Carl blew him a handfull of kisses and cuddled up at Negans feet. He would allways make sure to stay in contact with Negans body somehow. Once he had even held onto Negans ankle for the whole night.  
Negan closed his eyes and waited for Carls even and regular breaths. When he could finally hear them, he carefully pulled the boy up in an embrace.  
He would have to make sure to wake up early and put Carl back in his place. Couldnt go soft on the boy after all.


	3. Strange morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the feud goes on

Negan was pretty sure that he had woken the boy up. But when the alarm clock went off he found Carl resting on his chest.   
„What did we say about sneaking cuddles in?“  
Carl yawned. „To ask permission first?“  
„And did you?“  
„No, daddy. Sorry. I got up and took care of Judy and then I felt cold. You are so nice and warm.“ Carl cuddled to Negans chest and looked up to him with adoration in his eyes. Negan smiled and ran his fingers through Carls hair. He knew his stepson loved that. He allways found small means to comfort the boy. A head massage, a forbidden piece of chocolate, a morning run together. No wonder the boy followed him around like a lost puppy.  
Negan chuckled. Carl sat up. „I ll bring you coffe, right? What do you want for breakfast?“

When Carl came in with the tray another malevolent idea popped up in Negans head. „Kneel. There infront of the bed. Good boy, Carl.“  
His stepson looked up to him trustingly. Negan took the tray and had a sip of coffee. He took a bite of the bread with scrabled eggs then he held a bite of it out to Carl. Carefully he took the bite from Negan and then touched his lips briefly to Negans back of the hand.  
„How well behaved you are today. I must say I m raising you quite well. Do you want another bite?“  
Eagerly Carl nodded.   
„Say please.“  
„Please, daddy.“  
Negan grinned and kissed his forehead. Secretly he waited for the boy to shove him away, to start screaming and crying and he also waited for: „I ll tell my dad.“ But it never came. Maybe the boy didnt see it as the torture it was meant to be.  
Negan allways asked Carls permission before he touched him. But he was sure that the boy wouldnt even object if Negan wanted to shove his fist down Carls thoat. Not that he had tried that.  
„Are you my good boy today? Yes?“  
„Yes.“  
„Yes what?“  
„Yes, sir. Yes, daddy.“  
Negan grinned. „Pity. And here I thought I would get to spank you again.“  
Carl cuddled even closer. Negan thought the boy wanted to find a way inside him.   
„If you want to you can do that. Who am I to hold you back? Look at me, meak little thing that I am. I couldnt fight you anyway. I know you only want whats best for me. Why do you like to hurt me?“ Innocent eyes looked up at Negan. Carl smiled softly, then closed his eyes trustingly and nudged his nose into Negans chest.  
„I dont like to hurt you, baby.“  
Carl chuckled. „You are a liar. You are allways…happier if you get to punish me.“  
Negan stayed silent for a moment. „And what about it?“  
Lovingly Carl hugged his arms around Negan. „I dont mind. I love you. I… I only want you to love me.“  
Negan couldnt help himself, he started laughing. „You are too cute for your own good.“ The boy held on tighter as if he was afraid Negan would shove him away. The innocence in his eyes faded and was replaced with fear.  
„I…I dont want to lose you…“  
„Like you lost your mummy?“ Negan hoped that they had a torture chamber in hell. It was no less than he deserved.  
Clear, hot tears were running down Carls cheeks. He started sobbing.   
The helpless little sound broke Negans heart of stone. Just a little. He took the boy into his arms and held him tightly.   
„I was mean. You wont lose me. I m not going anywhere. Why do you even put up with me the way I treat you?“  
„Because I know that somewhere under all this bitterness a good, kind man is hidden. He just wasnt here for a while, thats all.“  
Negan started laughing again. He just couldnt help himself.  
Carl cuddled into Negan again. „When will dad be home?“  
„Tonight, sweetheart. Last chance, you little monster, ask for your cuddles or else…“  
„Please, sir, I m sorry to trouble you but could you possibly be so kind as to allow me to ask for cuddeling?“  
Negans laughter sounded back from the walls.


	4. Rick is home, Rick is leaving again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> famous climbers and running from the stepfather

„Now, angel, I ll make you a deal. 15 minutes cuddling, 15 minute paddle. Think about it while I take care of Judy.“  
Carl sighed deeply. 

When Negan returned he threw himself into his arms. „30 minutes cuddeling. 15 Minutes paddle. Deal?“  
„You sneaky little monster. No, no deal. 30 minutes paddle it is.“  
„Then i ll go with 15 minutes.“  
„Thats off the table. That offer was before you tried to be sneaky. Come on, fetch the paddle.“  
Carl folded his hands like he was praying.   
Negan rolled his eyes. „God, you really have me wrapped around your little finger, little monster. Fine. 20 minutes cuddeling, 20 minutes paddle. Happy? Thats my last offer.“  
Happily Carl cuddled closer. „Can we…can we do the paddle first?“  
„Why?“  
„Because I want to look forward to the nice part.“  
Chuckeling, Negan obliged. „You are too cute for your own good. And what about me, huh? Dont you think I want to look forward to the nice part too?“  
Carl smiled candidly. „You can. You love cuddeling me too.“ Negan might have laughed himself silly.  
„Fine. You know what to do.“  
Somehow he still waited for Carl to call him a nutjob.   
„You daddy knows what you and me are up to when he is gone?“  
Carl nodded and looked a bit forlorn instantly.   
„And how come he hasnt gutted me yet?“  
„He says we have to sort that out with each other.“ Carl put on his smile again. „And I love spending time with you. Even if you want to hurt me.“  
„Look at me.“ Negans hand closed around Carls wirst and held the boy back. „I dont want to hurt you.“  
„But you dont mind doing it either.“ Carls smile was bright as the sun. He slipped out of Negans reach and hid the paddle behind his back.  
„Are you stalling, little boy?“  
„Maybe. Come get me, if you want me.“ He stepped a step back and smiled.  
„You are playing with fire, angel.“ Negan got up.  
„Try not to burn yourself, devil.“  
„You are so in for it now. Just remember, you brought this on yourself. Come her, you little demon.“  
Negan ended up hunting Carl down. Wrestling on the ground, tripping over each other, Negan had to be carefull not to crush the boy under him. Carl laughed in delight. Finally Negan had his stepson pinned under him.  
„What I said earlier, that was bullshit. I so want to make you beg right now. Say you re sorry, little monster, and I might go easy on you.“  
„Liar.“  
They cuddled around on the floor until Rick arrived.   
„So glad you two are having fun. Judy asleep?“  
„Yep. Hey to you too, dear husband.“  
„Hey.“ Rick sat down on the floor with them and kissed Negan. Carl looked away to give them privacy. Rick reached a hand out and caressed Carls hair. When Carl flinched subconciously Rick frowened for a second.  
„You two allright?“  
Negan looked up. „Yep, never better.“ Carl nodded.  
„You are early.“  
„No. I m an illusion, I m not even here. I m just here to grab a quick shower and I m off again. Care to make me something quick to eat?“  
„I ll make you a bread with scramblies, daddy.“ Carl was on his feet quicker than Negan could say „I ll help.“  
They danced around each other in the kitchen. It was a paso doble and Carl was the red sheet.  
„Postponed is not abandoned, dont get your hopes up, little monster.“  
„I might have reminded you, stepfather.“  
„Ohhh, you know you dont have to call me that. Sir is enough.“ Negans smirk couldnt get any meaner.

Rick was sleeping on the couch. Judith was crawling all over him. She played that his body was a mountain and she was a famous climber.  
„Hey Hannelore Schmatz, trying to climb Everest again? You should know by know how that worked out. Not in your favour. Come here, baby. Leave daddy alone, he needs to rest.“  
„Who is Hannelore Schmatz?“ Carl set up some coffee for his father and started preparing something more to eat.  
„You mean was. She died on that bloody mountain. Judith. Come here now. Leave daddy alone I said.“  
„Dont be so strict with her, dad is out like a light anyway.“  
But when Carl came near the couch, Rick suddenly charged at him. Squealing in delight, Carl landed on the carpet infront of the couch.   
„Who is out like a light? Who? Who, who, who?“  
„Never trust the sheriff, kiddo. Rick, you have to eat something. Judith, come here, I have fresh hot chocolate. Gods, what is that here, an insane asylum?“  
„Says the biggest maniac in the room.“  
„Watch your mouth, Carl Richard.“

„I wished you could stay.“ Carl hugged his father good bye.  
„Me too. Take good care of Judy, yes? I love you. See you in the morning.“  
„I love you too. Take care.“  
„Its best if you go now, the sooner you leave, the sooner you ll be back, right? Bye, sheriff.“  
„Deputy. Still.“ Rick kissed Negan on the cheek and then he was off.   
Negan closed the door without turning around.  
„I m a lenient man. I ll give you a ten second head start.“  
Carl picked up his sister, put her in the crib and ran.


	5. Tickle war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negans newest punishment

He didnt come far. Negan tackled him to the ground after three steps. Carl was gratefull for their carpets. Negan was reliefed that the boy laughed lightheartly. At least he wasnt traumatizing the kid.  
„You. were.cheeky. Who is the biggest maniac in the room now? Huh?“ He rolled Carl around and gave him swats to the bottom .  
„Daddy is not here to save you now, little boy. Its just me and you. Some last request, prisoner?“  
„Please give me a kiss.“  
„Can do.“ Negan grinned into the kiss to Carls forehead.   
„Do you wish for a blindfold, prisoner?“  
Carl looked him in the eye bravely and smiled sweetly. „No, thank you, sir, I dont fear death.“  
Negan prayed that no one could hear them. That was another level of fucked up.  
„You see, prisoner…death doesnt seem like the right sentence to this crime. Too mercifull, you see? I have something else in mind. Something much more…devilish. You will be begging, I assure you.“ he picked Carl up and carried him to his own bedroom. Bridal style. Carl trashed around in his hold, laughing.  
„Stop that little monster, I dont want to drop you. Or, coming to think of it, I do.“ He dropped Carl on his bed. Then he undid his red scarf.  
„Well, well, well, prisoner, do you promise to be good?“  
„Yes, sir.“  
„Pity. I dont believe you.“ He undressed Carl down to his boxers and tied him to his bedpost. Then the red scarf took Carls view away.  
A moment later Carl felt something cold in his hand. „You want out, you drop that on the floor. Try it.“  
Carl let go of the bell. It jingled.  
„Very good. Tell me kid. Are you scared?“  
„A bit, sir.“ Negan placed the bell back into Carls hand.  
Suddenly Negans hands were in his hair. „You dont need to be. This is going to be fun. Well…at least for me.“  
He let his hand glide over Carls head, down his back, down to his feet, then he retreated from the bed, chuckeling to himself and he closed the door to his room.  
Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Carl flinch.  
„Daddy? Negan?“ The boy asked, sounding scared. Then he started whimpering when no answer came.  
Negan crept up to Carl again. „Buh! Fucked with you!“ He attacked Carls belly with his fingers. The boy screetched.   
„You are an ass, you know that?“ Carl fought for breath, when Negan let go of him.   
„Ohh, babyboy was scared I d leave him? Poor baby“, Negan mocked Carl mercilessly. Then he seized Carl at the chin and took the blindfold off.   
„Look at me. I d never leave you alone helpless like this, you hear me? Never. Now, where were we? Ah, yes, you and your heavenly ticklish body.“  
„Noooo, daddy, please, nooo…“  
„Oh, allready begging, darling? No, no, no, no getting out of this with your doe eyes. Close them again. Be a good boy.“ The blindfold was on again.  
Negans hand was on Carls body all the time from then on. Negan wanted to make sure that the boy knew where he was.  
„Please dont, not there, please…“  
„Oh yes, exactley there then. Tell me, are you ready to talk, prisoner?“  
„Yes, yes, yes….stoooop“  
„Yes, what?“ Negan was being cruel.   
„Yes, sir.“  
„Hm….I dont think so.“  
Carls belly was soft. The boy laughed and giggled adorebly.  
„Please…mercy…have mercy, sir, I m begging you…“ Negan just hoped his stepson wouldnt choke. He went back to cuddeling.   
„You are such a good boy today. Now, say sorry for being cheeky. Are you there yet? Or do I have to go find the feather?“  
Carl was out of breath. „I m sorry, sir. Whatever it is you want… please dont, daddy, I ll be good. I m sorry I was cheeky.“  
Negan smiled down at him and ran his hands down Carls body, this time in firm, long strokes, nothing feathery light.  
When Negan got up from the bed, Carl stareted begging for mercy again. But Negan went to find the feather nontheless.  
He took the blindfold from Carls eyes and put the feather infront of him, just out of reach.  
„You stay here and think about what can still happen, little boy. Think about the long, delicious torture that lays ahead of you. Think hard. I ll be back. If you need anything, ring the bell in your hand.“

Then Negan was gone from view. He could be back in 3 minutes or 3 hours. Carl never knew before hand.


	6. Cruelty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negans many forms of cruelty

Negan watched Carl from the outside. He stood far away from the window, so the boy couldnt see him. He had left Judys babyphone in the room, so he could monitor the boys sounds and the eventual drop of the bell. The boy was whimpering lowley.  
Negan took a sip of his coke. That reminded him that Carl probably needed something to drink aswell. He went back inside and went to the kitchen. A glas of water, a straw, a piece of chocolate. He looked at the clock. 17 minutes. He thought back to the one time when he had left Carl alone for the really long three hours. The boy had cried, had called for him, had begged for mercy. In the end he had dropped the bell for the first time. And Negan had to do three hours of damage controll afterwards. Assuring him that he was there, that he would never leave him.  
Half an hour was enough. The boy was allready sobbing a bit.   
The look in Carls eyes when he reentered the room was priceless each and every time. Like he was relieved that Negan came back for him and afraid at the same time what that would mean for him now.  
„Missed me, angel? Or shall I disappear again?“ He kneeled next to the boy and caressed his hair lovingly. Carl tilted his head and kissed the back of Negans hand. He looked up at Negan. It was adorable.  
„Were you good? Did you think about what can still happen?“ Negan took the feather and caressed Carls cheek with it. His stepson stopped breathing for a moment.  
„Will you torture me with that?“  
„Look at you, using such big, cruel words. Shall I go and find some soap then?“ Negan mocked.  
„No, please dont. I m sorry, i wont say it again.“  
In reality Negan had never chastised him for language before. Would have been hypocracy anyway.  
„You are forgiven. Now, I m afraid you ll have to wear this here.“ He undid his scarf. „Will you be good or do I have to force you?“  
„I m willing, sir.“ Carl took one last imploring look at Negan and closed his eyes obediently. A rewarding hand caressed his cheek.  
„Now, my boy. Where do we start. Ah yes. I m afraid that one here has to go too.“ He tucked down Carls boxershorts and wrestled it down below his knees. The boy raised his hips obediently, didnt mouth a word of objection.  
„Good boy, Carl.“ A rewarding caress through his hair and his stepson melted into his touch.  
Negan made sure that he stayed in contact with Carl at all times. Carl didnt like it when he couldnt see.  
A small, sweet smile appeared on Carls face. In secret Negan adored Carl for his love and trust.   
The trouser at his knees prevented Carl from trashing around.  
„Now, prisoner, I ll give you a chioce, confess now and we dont even have to start the torture session.“  
„Please, sir, I dont even know what you want to from me.“ The boy should go to drama school. He would talk to Rick about it.  
„Though luck.“ Negan seized Carl by the chin, tilted his head up to give him better access to Carls throat. Not one movement of resistence came. Carl held his breath.  
Cruelly slow Negan draged the feather up and down Carls throat. When Carl tried to get away he seized him by the back of his neck and held him tightly.  
„You cant escape this. You cant get away. You should know that.“  
When Carl tried to trash around Negan squeezed his neck. „Dont you dare.“   
Carl made a desperate sound in the back of his throat and didnt move an inch anymore.  
„You will be good and endure this. As long as I want, wont you?“ A rough hand caressed Carls cheek. When his stepson didnt answer immedeatly the hand came back and slapped him lightly. „Wont you?“  
„Yeah…yes sir. I will be good. I promise. Just please…please…“  
„Please what?“  
„Please, tell me what you want to know, sir. I will tell you everything. Please…“  
„Well, prisoner, that went really well and quickly. Now. Tell me, and I need to have the truth on these ones: Do you love your stepfather?“  
„Yes, sir.“ The answer came quickly, Carl looked at ease. The truth then.  
„Do you fear him sometimes?“  
„N…no, sir.“ The lie was dealt with swiftly. Negan went for Carls thighs, reddening them until the boy was crying.   
„Are you ready to tell the truth now?“ Carl got a hold of Negans fingers and held onto them for dear life. Maybe he only held onto them to stop Negan from touching him again.  
„Yes…yes sir…I m so sorry… Yes, I m afraid of you sometimes. But I love you, please you have to believe me…“ The broken sobbs cracked Negans resolve a little. He layed down besides Carl and rested the boys head on his chest, held him close and caressed his back.  
„I know, sweetheart. I love you too. My poor baby. I might not be good for you.“  
„You mustnt say that! We will be okay. I ll try to be better, I promise.“ Negan put his hand over Carls mouth.  
„Dont. No. Dont put that on yourself. I m the adult, not you.“  
Carls breathing through the nose became frantic.  
„Stop these hysterics. At once. Good boy. Now where were we? Ah, yes, our interrogation. Are you still ready to talk, prisoner?“  
Again, Carl didnt answer fast enough and the excruciating tickle of the feather reapeared. Negan rejoyecd in Carls pityfull whimpers.  
„Now, boy, since you are making it this damn difficult, bend over my lap. Clearly we have to play this game at a higher level of discomfort.“ He turned Carl around in the restraints and slid his legs under him. Carl pleaded: „I ll be good, please dont…not there, please…have mercy, sir… Just a small reprieve…“  
„No mercy. No reprieve“, Negan told him sternly. Carl kicked out for the first time. „Just for that you are getting the babyoil. All over your most sensitive body parts. Hold still, you little brat.“  
When he saw the fear in Carls eyes, Negan backed off immedeatly.  
„Do you need to let go of the bell, sweetheart?“  
„N…no…“  
„You know how this game works: You, me and only the truth. I ll ask you again: Do you need to let go of the bell, sweetheart?“  
Deep breath. Then another.   
„You know what, I ll make you a deal. I ll massage you with the babyoil first. That should calm you down a bit. What do you say?“  
„Yes, sir. I would like that very much. Thank you.“  
Smiling devilishly Negan rubbed Judys babyoil into Carls skin. The boy closed his eyes trustingly and smiled happily. He had no idea what he was in for.

Carl was almost asleep when Negan was done running his fingers over his naked body. For sure the boy had forgotten what was still coming by then.  
Negan had asked him frequently if Carl permitted the touches. The touches on his chest, on his lower abdomen, on his bottom, on his boyparts. It had been a waste of time really. There wasnt a single thing that Carl wouldnt let Negan do. He had closed his eyes trustingly. So it came to him as a shock when the feather touched his belly. Instantly he tried to get away, wiggeled around in the restraints.   
„No. Stay still. Be a good boy.“  
„I m trying to.“  
„Well its not good enough.“  
„Have mercy, daddy, please…not there…“ Carls giggles were adorable.  
„You should know by now I have no mercy, son.“  
Suddenly Carl looked at him with wide eyes.   
„What? What is it now?“  
„You called me son.“  
Negan was lost for words for a second. But only a second.  
„Something is wrong with your ears. I meant brat.“  
Carl smiled. „Sure, daddy.“  
„What was that?“ A threatening hand hoverd over Carls bottom.  
„Sure, stepfather. Sir.“  
„Thats what I thought.“  
Immedeatly Carl looked a bit upset. „I m not allowed to call you daddy anymore?“  
„What kind of bullshit are you talking now? Listen to yourself. As I said: Brat. Turn over. Seems I havent beaten you enough, boy. We will do 30 minutes instead of 20.“  
„I hoped we wouldnt do it at all.“  
„Oh, so you dont want to do the cuddeling afterwards?“ Now Negan had done it. Carl started crying again. He was pulling at the restraints and looked so upset that Negan took him into his arms.  
„Poor baby. Has daddy upset you again? Of course we can do the cuddeling. I know how much you love that.“  
Noozeling into his chest, Carl again closed his eyes trustingly. Negan tickled him for a while, then he picked up the paddle.  
„This will do you a lot of good, boy. Now, be the obedient son I know you can be and hold still for daddy. No wiggeling, no trashing around, or there will be extras. You know how this works.“  
„Do I have to count, sir?“  
„If you desperatly need extras then no, you dont.“  
„Will there be thirty? One each minute?“  
„What a brilliant idea. Or how about two per minute? Or three or four or five? Huh?“ Now Negan was just being mean. Carl tried to get out of the restraints. Of course it was no use.  
„Hey, look at me. I m not giving you more than you can take, you know that, right?“  
The boy calmed down a bit again. At least until the first hit.

The paddle rested on the bedroomfloor. Carl had snuggled up to Negan. His tears had long dried on his cheeks, leaving sparkling trails there. He still didnt fully understand why Negan loved to punish him like that. Maybe it would help to toughen him up. Maybe Negan wanted to beat the last bit of Lori out of him. Maybe it was just something Negan liked doing. In secret Carl made up stories to help him cope with Negans outbursts. The prisoner theme that Negan had going on was one of his favourites too. This time he had imagined he was a mutiniering sailor.  
The captain now held him close, ran his fingers through his hair and let Carl listen to his heartbeat.

Negan felt that Carl was still very much upset. His stepsons breathing was irregular, his eyes were wide open and he was clinging to him like he would fly away from him.   
So Negan fished for the blanket, draped it over them both and held Carl close. Gently he nudged a piece of chocolate against Carls lip. Next up was a glas of water.  
When the boy still looked a bit distraught, Negan brought out Carls favourite teddy. Gently he started talking to his upset stepson through the stuffed animal. „Hey Carl. Its me. Teddy. Carl, my ear hurts.“  
It worked. Carl started smiling, reached his hand out and gently patted the bears ear.  
„Do you hurt somewhere too, Carl?“ The boys eyes filled with tears again. „Where? Tell Teddy where, Carl. Teddy wants to make it better.“  
Carl pointed at his heart.


	7. Saving and spending the rest of the evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cupcakes, cold water and waiting for Rick

Carl rested on Negans chest, his bear tucked away safely under his chin.  
Negan cursed himself for letting things get this far again.  
„Hey, you want some dinner?“  
Scrambled eggs it was. Negan took care of Judy, Carl ate and afterwards they played with the little girl and Carl sang her to sleep. They ended up on the couch watching some T V show half heartly.  
„Shouldnt dad be home soon?“  
Negan looked at the clock. „Maybe there is stress at the station. Some damn report that still needs typing. You know your dad. Hey, how about we make some cupcakes until he comes home? Dont you think he would like that?“  
Carls face light up, he nodded eagerly.  
They ended up with four different versions of cupcakes, three versions of hearty, one version of sweet and a bunch of chocolate chip cookies.  
In the end Carl was too tired to lick the bowl clean. Negan promised to leave it until breakfast.  
„You. Bed. Now. No arguing.“  
„But I want to stay up till dad comes home.“  
„I ll make you a deal. I ll tell him to wake you, when he arrives.“  
Yawning Carl hugged Negan and tilted his head back. Negan kissed him on the forhead and hoped the boy wouldnt notice his choked up voice as he told him good night.  
„I love you. Baking with you is fun. Can we do it again soon?“  
„You bet. Sleep tight, dont let the bed bugs bite. Do you need to go to the bathroom again? No? Then you are not to leave this bed until morning. No getting up to tend to Judy. My job, not yours. Got it? If I catch you out of bed we will mysteriously have run out of warm water to shower in the morning. Do we have a deal?“  
„Yes sir. Good night.“  
„Good night. Dismissed.“

As soon as he closed the door, after he had checked on Judith he tried to call Rick. Mailbox. He occupayed himself with cleaning up the kitchen, then he called the station. No one answered the phone. Negan thought that was a good sign. For sure Rick was on his way home now. Maybe a trafficjam. Sighing Negan poured himself a glas of whiskey. This damn job of his partner was going to ruin the family one day. The sheriff department was horribly understaffed. Sometimes Negan played with the thought of applaying there. Maybe he would get to see his partner more often then.   
Half an hour later when there still was no sign of Rick Negan went to bed.  
When he arrived in the bedroom the bed was allready taken. Carl had curled himself in under the blanket. Negan nudged the boy until he opend his sleepy eyes again.  
„What did I say about leaving the bed, young man?“  
„I am in bed, you didnt say which bed.“  
„You cheeky little minx. Just you wait till tomorrow morning. There. Here is your extra blanket, now go to sleep at the end of the bed where you belong. At my feet I said! Good boy. Good night.“  
Negan waited patiently till a cold hand closed around his ankle. Then he drifted off too.

There werent many things that Negan hated as much as the sound of his alarm clock. But like every day he withstood the urge to throw the damn thing against the nearest wall and just shut if off. Carls small whining remined him that the boy has slept in bed with him. Blindly he reached over to the left side of the bed. Then he remembered that Carl was resting at the end of the bed. He nudged him gently. „Good morning, sunshine. Did you have a good night down there?“ The boy nodded sleepily. Then he sent Negan a flying good morning kiss and got up to take care of Judith.  
„Be quiet, your father is asleep in the living room I suppose. Do you want waffels for breakfast?“  
Carl nodded eagerly.  
„Thats too bad, you are getting plain porridge.“  
„You are the worst stepfather ever.“  
„Such a nice compliment before six in the morning.“  
Negan took care of breakfast while Carl cared for Judith. Then he waited for Carl to finish feeding her and accompanied the boy into the bathroom. Carl went quietly, like a prisoner awaiting execution. Negan took his pyjamashirt from him and took down his pyjamabottoms. When he went for Carls boxershorts and his socks he was sure the boy was burning up with shame. A little shame hadnt killed anyone. Yet. And Carl didnt dare to show resistance. He just murmered: „Can do it myself.“  
„I know. But where would be the lesson in that? Eyes on me, young man.“  
He gestured for Carl to rest on the bottom of the bathtub. Carl looked at him with imploring eyes.  
„Now. Who is the worst stepfather ever? Huh?“  
„Y..you?“  
„Are you asking me or telling me?“  
„Please, I m sorry, I didnt mean it. Please dont…dont…“ Carl shrieked as the cold water hit his feet. Negans mercy had been that he hadnt started at his chest or his head. He was going up slowly and held the treshing boy tightly by the arm.   
„You know I will stop when you stop resisting.“  
„I cant, its too cold…“  
„You have no sense of self controll, boy.“ Negan leniently made the water warmer gradually. Carl sighed. Negan handed the shower to Carl. „I ll fix you your lunch, hurry up, I need a shower too. You want a ride to school or are you having a date with your cute little boyfriend? What was his name again? Ron?“  
„Ron Anderson, yeah. He isnt my cute little boyfriend.“  
„He so is. Now hurry up, I said.“  
Carl shampooed his hair, enjoyed the warmth of the water for a bit longer and hurried to get ready.   
„Negan, have you seen my gymbag? Hurry, we are late.“  
„No. We are not. I called us in sick. We are not going.“ Negan sat at the kitchen table. He was dead pale.  
Carl frowened. „Whats going on? Did dad bring in the flu from the station?“ He looked around in the living room. The sofa was empty. „Where is he anyway?“  
„Carl. I called the station five minutes ago. Your father never arrived there.“  
Suddenly Carl saw everything in the living room in a very blurry way. He was sure Negan was still talking but he couldnt understand the words any more. Then everything went black.


	8. The trouble with obeying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl just cant stay in the house

When he woke up he found himself covered with a blanket. He didnt hurt anywhere so he assumed that Negan had been quick enough to catch him before he could have hit the floor. Carls stepfather sat by his side and he was talking on the phone. Carl tried to rise, but Negan caught him by the throat and pushed him down again gently. The mans hand lingered on the vulnerable spot, not applying any pressure, but preventing him from getting up.  
„Is it…“ The pressure grew almost impalpable and Negan starred down at him so venomously that Carl didnt dare to finish the sentence. The pressure disapeared again.  
„Yes. Thank you. Good bye.“ He hang up and closed his eyes. „I cant stand a single word right now, so if you know whats good for you, keep your trap shut.“  
Negan got up and Carl realized how tired the man looked. A minute later he came back with some ice cubes and a towel.  
„I caught you. But you hit your ellbow.“  
Patiently Carl let Negan patch him up, he held perfectly still as his stepfather wrapped his ellbow up in ice. Then he held his arms out to Negan.  
„Cuddles?“  
Carl nodded eagerly. Gently he nudged his nose against Negans chest. The man held him. Softly Carl whispered: „Where is daddy?“  
The grip Negan had on Carl tightened. For a moment Carl thought the man had turned into a boa constrictor.  
„Are you going to be a good boy and stay here or do I have to restrain you? I dont want you to hurt yourself any more. I ll have to call the hospital again.“  
Immedeatly Carl started whimpering again. „Daddy…I want daddy…i want to go see him… Daddy…“  
„Would you SHUT UP allready?!“ Negan lost it. „Carl. Please. Not now. See, you cant go see him right now.“  
Before Carl could start crying Negan kissed him softly. „I m so sorry baby. I m so sorry. You need to be strong for me now, can you do that? Yes you can. Good boy. I only need to make one more phone call, then i ll be all yours. Can you look after Judy while I do that?“  
Carl clung to Negan like he was drowning and looked at him with distraught eyes.  
Negan pulled himself together, steeled his heart and seized Carl at the chin. „You. Kids room. Now. Stay put.“ Disobedience will be dealt with summary execution. He didnt say that. The boy wouldnt know what that meant anyway.  
„Go tend to Judith.“ The name of his sister triggered a reaction.  
Negan sighed and closed the kitchen door.   
Carl dressed his sleeping sister and put on his jacket, he threw his boots out of the window, closed his eyes, pressed Judy to his chest and jumped. Of course Judy woke up. When she started crying, Carl started running. He was half down the street when Negan came after him. He drove beside him, but didnt block his way.   
„Going somewhere? You need a lift?“ Negan sounded casual, almost joking.  
„I need to see my dad.“  
„Visiting hours are tomorrow. We can go see him first thing in the morning. I promise.“  
„I need to see my dad.“  
„Carl, come on, get in the car, its freezing.“  
„I…“  
„Carl! Now!“  
The boy obeyed, not like a kid with common sense, but like a puppet which strings that had been pulled right.  
They were silent all the five minutes back to the house. Doors banged and everything was silent again. Negan took a deep breath, opened his door again and leaned against Carls door.   
„Carl, please, I m sorry. We will see Rick in the morning.“  
„Go. away.“ The voice from the room sounded like ice crystals.  
„I was worried.“  
„GO AWAY!“  
Negan backed away from the door. He went to make a cup of hot chocolate, put it on the shelf next to Carls door, knocked again and left.   
He went back to bed and started counting. This time it took Carl 20 Minutes. But then he heared a small whimpering from the end of the bed and a tentative hand, that closed around his ankle. Negan pulled Carl up to him and made sure the boy rested on his chest and could hear his heartbeat. He held the boy tight and tried to calm him down. Carl was still shaking.  
Negan rolled Carl around, turned on the night light, fumbled with Carls pyjamashirt for a moment before he got it off, then he started to rub his hands over Carls body to calm him down. It worked after a while. The familiar smells and the firm but gentle touch helped to ground Carl. They fell asleep again.

Negan let the boy sleep. It was almost lunchtime. The adult in the household had taken Judy to daycare and was preparing a quick lunch.  
When he looked up from the potatoes he was peeling, Carl was kneeling infront of him on the tiles of the kitchen. Nodding, Negan handed the boy the potatoepeeler.   
„Those better be ready when I come back from the cellar, or else…“  
They were. Carl had allways been obedient and quick around chores.  
„Stop sitting around idly, chopp chopp chopp. Chopp them. A a a, stay down there. On your knees. Thats better. Here you go, there are knife and cuttingboard. Go ahead.“  
Negan sat down and poured himself a glas of water. Then he watched the boy at his feet. Carl hadnt even mouthed a word of objection.  
Negan prepared the sausages and ordered Carl to get going on the mashed potatoes. He stepped up to the boy and kissed him on the forehead. Obediently Carl had tilted his head up a bit.  
Negan prepared one setting at the table. Carl hang his head and wanted to head out of the kitchen.  
„Did I dismiss you? I cant remember releasing you from your position. Now, crawl over here, come on. Good boy, Carl.“  
Negan sometimes wondered if he took it too far. If Carl would some day snap and yell at him to leave him alone with his bullshit. But Carl did as he was told, kneeling at his feet obediently. He looked up to him, his eyes never leaving the spoon. Negan poured the cut up sausages over the mashed potatoes and started eating two spoonfulls. Then he held the spoon out to Carl. The boys eyes lit up.  
„Thank you, daddy.“  
When Negan was finished feeding Carl, his stepson had snuggled up to him. He rested his head at Negans knee.  
„I ll go and call Judys daycare center, see how she is doing.“  
„Can you call at the hospital too?“  
„You cant call there until visiting hours. Your dad needs rest. When you are good we will go visit tomorrow.“

Negan thought he was a bit paranoid at first when he heared Carl rummaging in the cloak room.  
But then he heared him clearly. „Hello? St. Elizabeth hospital? Its Carl Grimes. I wanted…“  
A quick slap to Carls butt, a distraction and Negan got a hold of the phone. He hang up.   
„I said your dad needs rest.“  
Carl looked like he wanted to hide under the carpet.   
„You see, I was inclined to forget about your disobedience and that stunt you pulled by running off all on your own. But this new incident reminds me that you need to be kept in check.“  
„I want my father“, Carl sounded on the verge of tears.  
„I know. But he needs rest. We will see him tomorrow, if you are good.“  
„You said today…“  
„That was before you were so horribly naughty. Now go to your room and prepare for your punishment.“ The boy left.  
Sometimes he wondered if all stepchildren were as obedient as Carl. Maybe not.   
Negan took his time. He fetched the paddle and had a glas of water. He slipped a chocolate bar into his pocket. For Carl. For after.

When he arrived, Carl rested on the bed. He had his face burried in his arms and was allready sobbing softly. His trouser was sitting at his knees allready, but he had left the boxershort on. Negan noticed that his stepson had taken off his shirt too this time.  
Gently Negan caressed Carls hair. The boy flinched, obviously hadnt heared him entering. Negan let his hand glide down Carls back.   
„How brave you are today, baring yourself to me like this. Good boy. You know I wished I could cuddle you now and forget all about this dreadfull, dreadfull morning. What do you think?“  
Carl turned over a bit to look at Negan. „You would forgive me? Just like that?“  
Instead of an answer Negan put the paddle infront of Carl. The boy hang his head.   
„Pick it up.“  
Reluctantly Carl took the paddle, turned it around and offered it to Negan.  
„Good boy. Now. Lets get rid of this piece of clothing.“ Before Carl could start begging for leniency Negan pulled Carls boxershort off. A bit worried Negan noticed how Carl was shaking.   
„You may apologize, If you want to.“ Immedeatly Carl flung himself at Negans feet, hugged his knees tight and looked up at his stepfather imploringly.  
„How elegant…like a swineherd. Now, now, we both know you can do better.“  
„You and I both know that I m not getting out of your punishment, even if I begged on my knees.“  
Negan grinned. „How clever you are, my boy. Now, I know how brave you can be. You will take whatever I seem fit to give you, right?“  
„Yes, sir.“  
„Now, Carl, why are you being punished?“  
Carl was lost. The day was an endless swirl, he couldnt see clearly what it had been that had set his stepfather off.  
„You will tell me soon enough. Until then my hand might help you think.“  
Now Carl really was down on his knees. „No daddy, please have mercy, I m sorry, please forgive me…“  
But Negan had never been one to forgive.

Carl passed the time away with counting the hits for himself. They were not very hard, of course not. After all Negan didnt aim to hurt him, just to keep him awake and focused. Time after time Negan would run his hand down his bottom, like he was checking for any damage. If Carl whimpered at certain sports, Negan would make sure to linger there for a while.   
„My little dramaqueen, obviously I m going too soft on you today.“  
Too soft? Carl shuddered.  
„I…I ran away with Judy and you had to come after me? Please, I m sorry, can we stop?“  
„And?“  
When Carl didnt answer Negan kept going. Secretly Negan hoped the boy would repent rather sooner than later, he was allready brusing a bit.  
„I…I stole your mobile phone…“  
„And?“  
„I went against your orders.“  
„Now, was that so hard? Here we go. Your punishment is almost over. A walk in the park dont you think? Thirty more to go to drive the lesson home.“  
Carl let out a sob.  
„Did I mention you are grounded tomorrow?“  
Now the boy started crying.

„28.“  
„29…ow…please…no more…“  
„30.“  
„And?“  
„Thank you sir. I m sorry.“ Carl let out a sigh when Negans hand came up to caress his hair.  
„Please, may I go to school tomorrow?“  
„Fine. But in the afternoon you will be confined to your room. Chair and bed, nothing else.“  
„Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.“ Carl let out a sigh. And all his hopes now centered around the big break at lunchtime.


	9. Pizza and Dwight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwight was the best Thing that evening. Next to the Pizza.

Negan dropped Carl off at his classroom. „Dwight is coming over tonight, do you want pizza?“  
Carl nodded.   
„You can watch a movie if you want to.“  
Carl nodded again.  
„I ll wait for you, give you a ride home today, would you like that?“  
Carl shrugged.   
„Cat got your tongue or something?“  
There was nothing left to say.  
„Look. I know times are rough at the moment. We just have to hold on, right? It will get better. Your daddy is on the mend.“  
„I ll be late for homeroom.“  
His concentration suffered. Everything was too loud and too close.  
„You should be home“, Enid said.   
Carl counted the minutes until lunchbreak. The moment he heared the bell he fled from the classroom and ran. He didnt even bother to put on his jacket. The hospital was ten blocks away. He could make it. Maybe.   
He got lost in his thoughts. Why had Negan been so nice to him this morning all of a sudden ? The man could be so strange.

And when he arrived at the hospital they made him wait. Carl wanted to scream, stomp his feet and throw a tantrum. He didnt have time. He was late as it was. And when he finally was let through, Carl wished he hadnt come at all. He couldnt even see his father underneath all the tubes and bandages. Rick was sleeping. Carl didnt dare to wake him up. He just sat there and held on to one of his fingers.  
The nurse who came to check on him and her patient sneaked in a cookie for Carl and told him that his father could hear him. He just couldnt answer.   
Carl thought about stuff to tell his dad. He had needed someone to talk about the stress with his stepfather. But he didnt think that Rick was in any state to hear that. So he just told him what Judy was up to, what homework he had, that Mr. Dwight would come over tonight.  
Carl couldnt let go. In the end he was late when he kissed his father on the cheek and promised the nurse to come back tomorrow.  
When he looked at his watch he decided he could go home as well. Returning to school for twenty minutes was no use.  
He made himself a bowl of cereal, remembered the grounding then and went to sit in his room. His guilty conscience made him catch up on his schoolwork. Negan had put the mathbook on his desk. Twenty extras. Now Carl realized what Negan had meant by „chair and bed and nothing else“.  
He heared the key in the lock and swallowed.   
Quickly he bowed his head over the exercises again.  
The hours passed by. It was allright, was his best guess. He wasnt really hungry anyway but Carl felt lonely when dinnertime came around.Carl sat closer to his door, pressed a hand against it and imagined Negan sitting on the other side. When he closed his eyes really tight he could even feel the warmth of Negans hand on his.  
Carl scratched at the door like a little dog, but didnt dare to call for Negan. It was almost seven p.m. How long would Negan consider this time of day afternoon? When would Dwight come over? Carl hadnt heared the front door.  
Suddenly the door opened. „Why arent you at your table or on the bed, boy?“  
Carl flung himself in Negans arms. „I m so sorry daddy, please, please, please…I…“  
„Oh please please please. Allready begging, are we? What is it you could possibly want?“ Negan distanced himself from the distraught child.  
„Dont leave me alone again“, Carl wanted to say.   
„Dont leave me…“ was all that came out. Then he played koala again and clung to Negans legs.  
„You know, you are allways so terribly naughty and then you cant even obey simple instructions.“  
„Surely I m not allways terribly naughty?“  
„Yes you are. Now. Sit. At. The Table. Do your exercises. Read them out loud and tell me what you are doing. When you are done with that you may sit downstairs with me and Dwight for a while, when he arrives.“

Carl allways seemed more calm and content when Negan was around him. Negan didnt know why though. But today his stepson seemed horribly nervous and kind of absent. And his presence didnt help matters today.  
„Thats wrong, start again.“  
„Sorry, sir.“  
He knew that Carl hated math.  
The doorbell rang. Dwight.   
„Do five more, then bring it downstairs. We should be in the living room.“  
Carl looked at the clock. It was 9 pm. It was late for dinner, even for Negan.  
Tired. Hungry. Sad. All Carl wanted was to curl up at the end of Negans bed and forget about this horrible day. Would Negan even allow that today? Carl got lost in the math problems again. 

„Hows Rick?“ Dwights voice was hoarse and hushed.  
„Not good. They dont know if he will ever wake up again. The shooting must have been really bad. Now shut up about it, the kid is upstairs.“  
„Fine. How is Carl?“  
„This little rascal will drive me insane one day. He is allready half way there. Guess what, he ran away from school today to go to the hospital. Ah, that must be our pizzas.“  
Carl was frozen to his spot on the stairs. Negan knew about his trip to the hospital? And he hadnt put him on death row yet? Maybe his stepfather was ill or something.  
When Negan had crossed the halls, he slipped into the living room.   
Dwight looked up. „Hey there, Carl. How are you?“  
Carl nodded and stayed at the door, unsure of what to do.  
„What have you got there? Still homework to do? Can I help?“  
Smiling softly Carl went over to Dwight, sat down on the couch next to him and showed him his paper. He knew Dwight from regular visits. The man had allways been kind to him.  
„Looks good, kid. Well done. Will you stay a while?“ Before Carl could answer, Negan appeared behind him like an angel of revenge.  
„What are you doing there, standing about? Go fetch the pizza plates and the pizza roller, whats wrong with you?“  
Quickly Carl disappeared in the kitchen. Even there he could hear the men talking.   
„Kid looks sick.“  
„Something is wrong with your eyes, dude. Carl!“

Carl handed out the plates, watched Negan scoop the pizzas onto the plates and he handed Dwight a glas of water. But when he wanted to sit down beside Negan, his stepfather caught him by the arm and guided him down on the floor.  
„Stay down. Very good.“  
Dwight looked at the scene like he was frozen in place. Then he shoke his head and reached for his plate.  
„Where is Carls pizza anyway?“  
„He isnt getting any. Unless he has finished his assignments?“  
„He has. I ll share mine with him. Surley you wouldnt want to starve him?“  
„Who said anything about starving, does he look starved to you? Hey, what is it with the huge puppy eyes?“ Negan snapped down on Carl.   
When the boy flinched away Negan noticed that he might have gone too far.   
„Oh, here you little weeping willow. Open your mouth. You do like salami pizza, dont you? Yes, you do. See? I m not starving him. Two pieces of pizza, Carl, then you can read your book, or whatever it is you like to do.“  
Carl wondered why Negan was so stressed out and irritated. He decided to make himself invisible once he was done eating. He wiped his fingers on a napkin and fished for his box of crayons, pencils and watercolors under the sofa. He was still hungry, but he didnt want to push his luck. He traced the pattern of the plate on the floor for a while.   
„Hups.“ Dwight had dropped one of his slices of pizza on the plate. He winked at Carl and returned to his conversation with Negan. They werent talking about anything interesting to Carl. The boy waited for a few moments, just to see if Dwight wouldnt claim his piece of pizza back and if Negan would snap. But nothing like that happened and he enjoyed the extra pizza.  
„Heaven, am I clumsy today.“ Another slice of pizza. Dwight was feeding him. Carl smiled up at him shyly.  
„Maybe you should stay off the beer then“, Negan snapped at him but he didnt take Carls food away.  
„Boy, have a drink, stuff is salty.“ He held a glas of water to Carls lips.  
„I still cant see, why he cant sit up here with us.“  
„Because he is being punished, thats why.“  
„Dont you think you are making his regression-thingy worse with this stuff?“  
„Thank you for your concern, Dr. Schiwago, consultation-hour is over now!“   
When Carl whimpered, Negan and Dwight stopped the argument.  
Dwight handed the last piece of pizza to Carl. Negan slammed his fist down on the table. „No!“  
Content with what he had allready gotten, Carl returned to drawing.  
„Carl it is late, bid good night and go to bed.“  
Obediently his stepson stood up, packed his drawingpad away and stood infront of Dwight. After a moment of hesitation he hugged the man. Dwight closed his arms around him.   
„Good night, Mr. Dwight.“  
„Good night, son.“  
Carl went on tiptoes and whispered: „Thank you for the pizza.“  
Dwight whispered back: „You re welcome.“


	10. Paying the price

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan is running out of ideas. And he has a few. And Carls behaviour isnt getting any better

Carl woke up to Negans voice. He was on the phone in the next room.   
„No, Simon, he isnt awake yet. Shooting at the job, yes. The damn police car is fucking useless. No, we dont know if he ever will wake up again.“  
Before Carl could do anything his dinner forced its way out violently.  
„Hold on a second. Carl! Hey…“  
The boy saw everything in slow motion. He was sure that Negan cleaned him, told him to rinse and told him to change his clothes. But it took forever and a day.  
„Carl. Of course daddy will wake up again. We just dont know when. But I do believe that everything will be allright. You do too, right?“  
Carl cuddled closer and nodded. Negan felt it against his chest.   
„Well, good. Otherwise, I d just have to leave you on your own at the next streetcorner, like the lost puppy that you are. We are not giving up on each other in this family. Capiche?“  
Now it seemed like Carl wanted to find his way right into Negans chest.  
„Now. Back to your room, back to bed, you still have an hour of sleep. God knows, you can use it.“  
Carl didnt move an inch.   
„Do you really want to be disobedient allready?“  
The boy had the audacity to nod.  
„I ll make you a deal, I ll go and rest with you. What do you say?“  
Carl smiled and looked pleased immedeatly.  
„Remember, you are still on restriction. Still confined to your room in the afternoon. And dont you dare to wiggle yourself out of it this time.“  
A roll of the eye. Negan didnt see it. Carls luck.   
„And you will help me in the gym in the big break today. No sneaking off campus today. If I hear about any bullshit on your part, I will extend your grounding until you cant remember the color of the sky anymore!“

„Do you want to sleep over tonight? I will give you sanctuary as long as you wish.“ Ron nudged Carl under the table.   
„Its punishment enough having to live with the coach. I dont see how you arent a case for the asylum allready. If that was my stepfather I would have flung myself out of a window on the third day.“  
„Please, as if your own father was so much better.“  
„You cant compare that. My father doenst know any better when he is bullshitting around. He is drunk. Not an excuse, yeah. But Negan is sober most of the time, isnt he? He is a wacko.“  
„Shut up about it, you will land us both in detention.“  
„Hey, will you sit with me and Enid at break? She has been asking about you. Maybe we can find Beth around, too.“  
„ I wish. I have gym duty.“  
„See? The man is a torturer. My offer still stands. Come over tonight?“  
„I ll have to ask his permission and he wont give it, I m still grounded. There will be trouble.“  
„Damn right, there will be.“ A hand on the back of his neck. Carl froze and held his breath.  
„Run along Anderson, the wacko has to have a word with his stepson.“  
Ron gulped, shot Carl a symphatetic look and retreated.  
„I m guessing its a bad timing to ask if I can sleep over at Rons any time soon?“  
„Damn right it is. Now. At least try to be good. See you in two hours in the gym. On time.“  
Negan let go of his neck. „As you were.“  
Carl stood there a moment longer. The ghost of Negans touch still lingered on his skin. Somehow he longed for Negans arms hugging him. But of course he knew he wasnt allowed to ask for cuddles at school.

Obey Negan and calm the storm down a bit. Sneak off to the hospital and invite hell in. Sneak off to the hospital, stay over at Rons and say hello to Armagedon.  
Lunch break came around. Carl hurried to chew down his food. Then he went down to the gym. He opened the door that led to the football field to let some air in. He leaned against it, sighed and looked down the street. At the end of the street the hospital waited. His father waited.  
He had a second to wonder why Negans hands were allways so cold, when his stepfather touched him again at the back of his neck.  
„Sometimes I wonder if you are doing it out of spite or if you really are just incredibly stupid, kid. Now stop dreaming about running and get back to work. Take the heavy gymnastic balls and carry them to the left corner there. One by one. Get going.“  
The work was tidious and hard. But Carl didnt mind. He was glad to spend some time with his stepfather, even if the man was breathing down his neck. And Negan wasnt unkind today: „No, no, no kid, you will hurt your back if you pick the ball up like that. Bend your knees. Good boy. Just like that.“  
25 times Carl had carried a ball, 25 times he had crouched down, 25 times he had put the ball into the left corner of the gym. He was allready breathing heavily.  
Negan tilted his head, smirked and said: „You know what kid, I think you misunderstood me, I meant the right corner over there.“  
A bit confused Carl hurried to obey his stepfather. Hadnt he heared the man right? The gymnastic balls got heavier and heavier.  
Carl didnt dare to look up. But he knew Negan wouldnt leave him out of his sight.   
When he did look up from his work eventually, he saw Negan drinking out of a water bottle. The water dripped from the mans chin. Negan was smirking. Carl averted his gaze again.  
When he was finally done, Carl was panting.  
Fearsome he looked up when Negan came over.   
„Tell you what, kid, I changed my mind, I think the balls are better off in the left corner.“  
And Carl understood. It was just torture. There was no final goal in Negans work.   
Half way through Carl just collapsed crying.   
„There, there. That was a bit too much for you, wasnt it? Here.“ Negan poured a sip of water in his hand and washed Carls face. Carl immeadeatly tried to lick it off his fingers.   
„No. Here is fresh water for you. Slowly, baby, slowly, you wouldnt want to get sick.“   
Then Negan started to rub Carls arms. His stepson started crying in pain.   
„No trashing around. I know it hurts. But you dont want any cramping.“  
„Can you…can you…please…“  
„Can I what?“  
Carl looked up at Negan. „Can you hold me? Just for a little while, please?“  
„You and your damn cuddles. No, baby, you know that has to wait till we get home. Now, go hit the shower and get back to class. You ve got ten minutes, I m not giving you a permission slip either. Hurry up.“  
Negan closed his eyes so he didnt have to see the lonliness in Carls.  
Carl was home half an hour before Negan. He felt impossibly alone. Like a robot he started preparing something to eat, put it in the microwave for Negan, ran a bath for later and started on his homework. He was so sore, even holding the pencil hurt.  
Finally the bath was ready and Carl looked forward to relax a bit.  
In the moment he closed his eyes Negan came into the bathroom.   
„How many times do I have to tell you, no bathing when you are tired? You could drown, kid.“  
„Wasnt sleepy.“  
„Right, and Judy here is the next boxing champion.“  
„I m just sore.“  
„Serves you right. Ten minutes, then I want you on your bed in your room. Dont make me come fetch you. You would regret it for a year.“  
„Your food is in the microwave, sir.“ Carl dived under the foam mountain.  
By nine and a half minutes Carl was out of the bathtub. When he reached for the towel, Negan bellowed: „No one said you could dry yourself.“ Now Carl gulped down a bit of fear. Quickly he fetched a new pair of boxershorts and went to the bedroom. He climbed on the bed. Negans hand on his neck guided him down the final meter.  
„I will get the sheets all wet.“  
„Dont worry about it.“ Negan positioned Carl on a bath towel, then he rubbed his hands together. Carl could smell the massage oil. When Negan started to rub his sore legs, the boy started begging again.  
„Hurts? We need to focus on the warm up next time. I thought some crunches and sit ups would be fine. I ll think about something for your legs. Some strengthening would do you good. How about some weights?“  
Carl closed his eyes and focused on his breathing through the pain in his muscles. The massageoil got warmer and warmer.  
Carl was almost asleep when Negans hand came down on his bottom. The sound was almost deafening because his skin hadnt dried yet.  
„No, please…“  
„You thought you can try to sneak out and would get away with it? I dont think so.“  
„Daddy, please, please I m sorry.“  
„You will be.“  
Negan finished spanking him rather quickly.   
„15, thank you sir.“   
But his stepfather wouldnt let Carl off his lap just yet. „Oh no, babyboy, no. We arent done here just yet.“  
The oil burnt on his tender skin. Negan rubbed it in vigorously.   
„Are you sorry yet, my boy? Or just sore?“  
Both. „I wont be naughty again and think about running off in the big break. I m sorry.“  
Negan smiled contently. „Very good, my boy. Now, you ve got a little more oil coming and then you can rest a bit. Sleep maybe. I ll make you a cup of cocoa.“  
Carls whimpers became softer and softer and when Negan was done the boy was asleep. He would wake later as if he had slept on a cloud.  
Absentmindly Negan applied an extra layer of the oil on Carls legs and wrapped the boy in the blanket. He had bought that massage oil for Rick actually. Heaven knew desk work in a sheriff office was no good for the back.  
Secretly Negan prayed that Carl would buck up for a few days. They could both use a break.

Carl really didnt run off in the big break again. He did so in the morning before school. The first time he made it to the hospital grounds. The second time Negan caught him at his window.   
„I really dont know if you are just plain idiotic, suicidal or simply naughty until daybreak?! Do tell me! Has it ever crossed your brilliant mind that they could take you away from home if you are caught wandering in the streets when you were supposed to be at school?! They will accuse me of neglect! I will loose my fucking job! You will end up in the fostersystem! Is that what you fucking want?! Because it sure as hell seems like it!“  
This time Negan made due on his threat. He had locked Carls bedroomdoor. Bed and a chair at the table, nothing else. A camera in Carls room for monitoring.  
„Tell me your rules again, Carl.“  
„I have to stay at the bed or on the chair at all time. No going out of reach of the camera. Please, daddy, is that really necessary?“  
„You tell me, Carl Richard! Tell me what else I should do! I caught you climbing out of your fucking window! You are on the second floor! Do you know what could have happened if you had …“ Negan didnt say it.  
Five deep breaths later: „The rules, boy.“  
„First transgression: harsh reprimand. Second transgression: lose a privileg. Like my book, my music, my blanket, my clothes. Third transgression: punishment of your choice. Please, daddy…“  
„Go on.“  
„I can ring the bell if I need anything. But thats only possible once in two hours.“  
„Good boy. Now. Have a good day, Carl. Behave.“


	11. Bed and chair and nothing else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solitary confinment can be tough on the nerves. It certainly is on Carls.

The first hour wasnt that bad. Carl entertained himself with listening to music. Then he remembered that he had his bear hidden under his blanket. He took the stuffie in his arms. Miserably he looked around the room. His stepfather had taken everything away that could have been a comfort.  
For a while he took comfort in the knowledge that Negan had his eyes on him. He wondered if the man was sitting infront oft he surveillance cam all day long or if he just peeked in on occasion. Carl decided to try his luck. He got up from the bed and went to look out of the window. And in the next second he felt Negans hands at his shoulders. He was spun around so quickly that he feared he might have gotten whiplash.  
From this moment on he wondered if his stepfather could fly. It just wasnt possible to be in one room and then in the next room all of a sudden.  
„You will do good to remember the rules from now on, because you have allready been very disobedient. However I will let it slide this time, because you will be trying to be good, wont you? Wont you?!“  
Carl nodded quickly and hid his face against Negans chest.   
„I ll be generous with you and leave you the bear to comfort you when you are alone. If I catch you with anything else though, you will be punished. Is there anything you wish to hand over now?“  
„I dont have anything left, daddy. I ll be good, I swear, please dont leave me again, please…“  
But Negan loosened the embrace, the touch faded out on his arm and his hand and the door closed infront of Carl. 

Carl spent whole five minutes looking at the locked door. Then he realized slowly that Negan hadnt listened to his plea. Lowly he started whimpering.  
Then he remembered the bell. He could say that he needed to go to the toilett or needed a glas of water.  
It took Carl another five minutes to find the courage to acutally ring the bell. Negan was there in a heartbeat.  
„What do you need, dear stepson?“  
„A glas of water and a trip to the bathroom, if I may, please, dear stepfather.“  
Negan chuckled.  
Carl savoured each drop of water.   
When Negan dropped him off at his bed again he savoured every body contact he could get. Negan made it a point to slowly let go of his hand. Like he was slipping from Carls grasp. Like Carl couldnt hold him. Carl never knew being left alone could hurt so much.  
To cope with the sadness Carl made up a story to entertain himself.   
„Once upon a time there was a young prince who lived in a castle with his evil stepfather…“   
Carl decided he liked the fairy best. The fairy that could actually help.

And then everything went south. On his way to his chair Carl accidently stepped out of the permitted area. He had been distracted by one of his books falling out of the shelf.  
„Well, well, well, look who thinks he is above the rules allready?“ Negan stood in the open door, like he had grown there from the earth.  
Scared of his stepfathers smirk, Carl dropped to his knees. „Please, daddy I m sorry, I wont do it again, it was an accident. I forgot the bookshelf isnt in my area.“  
„Which book did you wish to read, my boy?“  
„The…the one from Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve.“ The brain was a strange organ. Carl didnt know how he came up with the authors name of all things.  
Negan frowned. „Beauty and the Beast?“  
Carl nodded quickly and got up. Negan crossed the room in two strides and fetched the book from the shelf, before he handed it to Carl he whacked him on the butt with it. Carl almost jumped.  
The book was handed to him.   
„Now. Say good bye to your cuddly blanket, my boy. And remember to stay in your parameters from now on. Then I wont have to take your pyjamas too.“  
Negan took the blanket, opened Carls window and left again.

His stepfather gave the torment exactly 20 minutes. Carl had cuddled up under his two pillows to shield himself from the cold. Negan could tell from the distressed little noises Carl made that the punishment had reached its zenit.

„You do know that what you are doing there is barbaric, right? I have known stone age people with better decorum! Hell, i should press charges for child abuse, man! How can you do that to him? He is a sad little bean as it is!“  
„Dwight, shut up about your diatribe! I have to keep that kid safe, I m doing nothing more, nothing less. He wanted to climb out of the fucking window!“  
„Have you ever thought about why he did that?! Maybe he wanted to be as far away from you as possible! I can understand that, because I would have wanted that too in his stead!“  
„Dwight, shut your mouth! He is fine, I m telling you! He is asleep in my bed at the moment. With a heating blanket, for your info. I dont even know why I m still talking to you.“  
Negan heared a sound from his bedroom. He hang up on Dwight.

„Awake again?“  
Carl whimpered at first and shyed away from Negans touch.  
„It is allright, baby. You have been so good. I decided you deserve to be let off the hook.“  
There he was again. The man who loved him, who called him baby, who was gentle with him and who kept him warm. Carl smiled, cuddled up to Negan and closed his eyes trustingly.   
Negan let out a breath of relief. He hadnt mentioned to Dwight that he had to bring Carl out of a paralyzed dissociation. He hadnt mentioned the disorientated eyes of his stepson that had looked right through him as if he hadnt been there.  
„I m here. You are safe. You are warm. Everything is allright. I love you.“  
He got a gentle nudge of Carls nose to his chest for an answer. „Love you too. Dont leave me, no?“  
Negan smiled and caressed his stepsons hair. It was only normal that the boy was needy after the stressfull punishment.  
„Of course not. You know what, next time you pull a stunt like that, I ll just whip you seven ways to sunday. Saves us both a lot of heartache.“  
Carl nodded and rested his head on Negans chest.   
„I wished dad was here“, he whispered.  
„What would he do if he was?“, Negan asked.   
He allready knew the answer. He would burn Negan at the stake. Hang drawn and quarter him. Chop him to little pieces and feed him to the wolfs.  
„He would love us of course. Thats a fathers job, isnt it?“


	12. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The grounding is over. lets hope it wont be on again in a minute

„I am so excited for this afternoon, we havent been together in ages. Its so cool that you are out of the grounding early, man. And the coach is fine with everything?“  
„Yeah. I left him a note on the table, he was still asleep when I left with Judy. He has classes at ten today.“  
Ron was jumping up and down like a tennisball after the service.  
„And I have a suprise for you, something special we are going to do in the afternoon. Just you wait.“  
„Oh come on, tell me, tell me, tell me.“ Now Carl was giddy too.  
„No way, brother. Suprise.“

„We are having ice cream after dinner, Judy, do you like that?“  
The toddler nodded, allready excited.  
„Your brother will love that too. We will have ourselves a nice cosy evening, wont we? Yes we will.“  
Negan unlocked the door, frowning why the security lock was still in place. When Carl was home, the door was only locked once.  
Maybe the boy had locked himself in.  
„Wash your hands, sweety, come on.“  
Negan could be charged with many faults, but not with a heart of stone. He loved his stepchildren. Had from the first moment. And the advantage with Judy was, that she couldnt remember a life without Negan.  
The problem with Carl allways had been that he had known a family life without Negan. And that he had known Negan in an official role, his teacher, beforehand. Of course, the kid adored him. If he could have worshipped him like a god, he probably would have. But it wasnt the same relaxed situation like with Judy. Probably because Carl had a Negan overload. He saw him at school and at home.  
Negan dropped his gymbag off on the kitchentable.  
„Sweetheart, have a sip of juice, its hot today.“  
Maybe it could all have been more relaxed if Negan hadnt been the strict, stern stepfather with Carl. Negan never had had the feeling that Carl disapproved of his relationship with Rick. Never. But of course the kid missed his deceased mother.  
„Carl! Did you drink enough? Its freaking hot outside?“ Negan called out. No answer. Maybe the little brat had his headphones in.  
Negan played half an hour with Judy, then he started to prepare something to eat.   
„You know Carl you are really awfully rude today. The least thing you could do is come say ‚good afternoon‘.“ Still no answer.   
Whisteling, Negan took his gymbag from the kitchentable. He didnt notice the note that fell to the floor.

„Brother, it really is all for you. I freaking hate hospitals. Its fucking creepy.“   
Carl had only stopped hugging the shit out of Ron two minutes ago.  
„We will file an application and demand to stay longer with your father today. You can tell him stuff, cuddle with him, whatever it is you like to do and as long as the nurses permit it, right? Ow! Its allright, buddy, its allright…“  
Carl had wrapped his arms around Rons middle again.   
„The things I do for you, brother…“

„Carl! Final call! Come down to dinner!“  
When there still was no answer, Negan went up to Carls room.   
„You know, I dont mind if you go hungry tonight, but you could at least…Carl?“ The boy was nowhere to be seen.   
Negan went down to the cellar, he searched the whole house and the garden. He tried to reach Carl on the phone. Voice mail. 

„Maggie? Have you seen Carl around? Please tell me he was in school today? No I havent seen him in the break. He hasnt come home…“  
„Negan, calm down, I ll be with you in ten minutes.“

„Hey Mr. G. Its Ron. Look whom I ve brought with me.“  
„Ron, he cant hear us.“  
„Who knows? Its good to talk with coma patients. Most of them can remember it when they wake up. Or so I ve heared.“  
Carl cuddled up to his father.   
„Oh. Yes. Body contact is good as well.“ Clumsily Ron took Ricks left hand in his and patted it.  
„Is that Negans weddingband over there or your mums?“  
Carl took a look. „Negans. He wears mums on a necklace under his shirt. Is it still there? Ah, yes.“  
„I still cant see what your dad sees in coach Negan.“  
„Ron, shut up about it, you said so yourself, he can hear us. Daddy? I wished you would come back to us. I miss you. I m so scared Judy might forget you. I think Negan misses you too, but I dont know. I love you.“  
„Buddy, that sounds as if you are saying good bye. Tell him something nice. Not that sobbstory bullshit.“  
„Ron, stop swearing. Really.“ Carl chuckled.  
„Oh, right. Sorry, Mr. G.“

„Have you been crying?“  
„What kind of crap are you talking about?“  
„Sure. Men dont cry. Of course.“ Maggie closed her eyes in annoyance.  
„I havent seen him since the third lesson. Maybe he is with a friend. Beth or Enid perhaps?“  
„Can you call Beth and ask?“ Negan was deadpale. He was clutching a glas of water that Maggie had provided.  
„Have you called him?“  
„Do you think I m stupid?“  
„Right. Wait a second.“ She stepped aside to call her younger sister.  
Negan tried to call Carl again. To no avail.  
„Sit yourself down, you are dead pale, Negan.“  
Three minutes later they both knew that they knew nothing. Carl wasnt with Beth.  
„You stay put here, I ll pay visits to the kids of his class. Call me when there are news.“  
Negan closed his eyes. „Thank you, Maggie. Thank you.“  
„You are worried about him, huh? Do you guys get along any better nowadays?“  
„Woman, just go. call. your. sister.“

They stayed with Rick until the nightnurse kicked them out.  
„Mum wants to know what you will want for dinner?“ Ron was talking on the phone.   
„I ll have what you guys are having?“  
„We will eat what you suggest.“  
„Spaghetti?“  
„I know why I keep you around, brother. Mum, did you hear him? Yes, we will be home in a few minutes. See you soon, love you.“

„Mrs Samuels? Oh hey Lizzie, its Miss Maggie. Hey sweetie. Do tell me, is Carl Grimes with you? No? Have you seen him around, Lizzie? No? Can you ask your sister? I ll wait.“  
Negan was fighting off a migraine. He wanted to vomit.   
„You will call me if you see him or hear anything about him? Thats kind, Lizzie. No Lizzie, dont worry, he might just be with a friend and we havent figured out which one yet.“

„Have you seen my pencil?“  
„A zombie ate it.“  
„Thanks dude. I love doing homework together with you. So much more fun.“ Ron stood up and fetched the extra bed from the cellar.  
They stayed up a bit later than usual. Carl was happy. 

„Alarm clocks were invented in hell. I m sure of it. Good morning Carl. Oh. Hey buddy. Were you cold at night? You cuddled up to me.“  
„Ron, I m so sorry, I didnt mean…“  
„Relax, dude. I m cool. We have known each other since we were babies. You arent poisonous, if I m right?“  
Ron ran his fingers through Carls hair. Carl gently nudged his nose against Rons chest.   
„Do we have gym today?“  
„No. Strange, Negan didnt call last night.“ Carl got up to check his mobile phone.   
„Shit! Radio reception is down!“ Carl started his mobile phone again.  
„Shit shit! 10 missed calls. Somethings wrong.“  
But this time he only reached Negans voice mail.  
„I hope nothings wrong with Judy.“

As soon as they arrived at school, Carl went down to Negans quarters in the gym. The man sat behind his table. He looked as if he hadnt slept the whole night.  
„Do you know what time it is, Carl Richard Grimes?“  
„Ha…half past seven, sir?“  
„No! Its the end of a nightmare! You have been missing for over twelve hours! I havent slept a second in these twelve hours! Half of the school stuff looked for you, have you any idea of the chaos you created?!“  
„Please…please sir, I left you a note…I dont understand…“  
„I dont understand aswell, Carl! What are you talking about?!“  
„I…I…can you please stop shouting…?“  
„No I certainly can not! What the hell is wrong with you?! Isnt everything fucked up enough as it is?“  
„I wrote a note. It was on the kitchen table.“  
„Where the hell have you been?!“  
„At Rons place, sir.“  
„Anderson? Of course. Anderson. I knew we had missed someone. Damn it Carl!“  
„I m sorry, sir.“  
Negan rose from his seat. „Well, sorry isnt gonna cut it, Carl.“ His voice was ice, his eyes steel.   
Carl stood there shivering. He had done it: His stepfather would never love him anymore. And Carl did the only thing that he knew of that would calm Negan down a bit: He lowered himself over Negans desk and burried his face in his arms.  
When Negan recognized the position, the ice thawed.  
„How many do you think are justified?“  
„As many as you want, sir.“  
„Well, arent you a sweetheart. Or a martyr. One or the other.“  
Negan wandered around the table in circles, clapping the paddle against his hand.  
„Please, sir, I m begging you, I m so sorry, I didnt mean to cause trouble.“  
„Twelve hours, boy! Twelve fucking hours! Every minute as long as a century!“  
The paddle cracked down on Carl for the first time. But Carl didnt flinch, didnt cry, just hang his head.  
„I m so sorry, sir.“  
Negan had vowed never to punish any of his students in anger. He wasnt angry, he wasnt sad, he was in despair. And he couldnt feel that despair was a mixture of both.  
„How many minutes are twelve hours, boy?“  
Carl turned white like a sheet of paper. „Please, no, daddy, no please…“ Shaking in fear he curled himself in.  
And Negan understood that he had swamped the kid. He wasnt that angry. Right? The poor soul didnt deserve this.  
„Carl. Listen. You will get twelve licks now and twelve licks in the break. Twelve licks before we leave here. Twelve licks when we get home and the final twelve will be before bed.“  
Completly distraught the boy clung to Negan and repeted „please, please, please“, all over like a broken record.  
„I was frightened. Every minute the fear grew. You were nowhere to be found. What was so important that you did with Anderson that you just disappeared?“  
When Carl didnt answer, Negan held him by the shoulder and cracked the paddle down three times.  
Carl reigned himself in, he counted them out loud and thanked Negan. He was scared to death that Negan would just give up on him. But Carl couldnt give up on his father.  
„Twelve, thank you, sir.“  
„Tell me what this stunt was all aout and I ll forgive you.“  
It will be so easy. Tell him. Just tell him.   
„Ron wanted to lighten my mood a bit sir. It was really all my fault, I asked him if I could stay over and I couldnt reach you. I swear I wrote you a note. Please, let me look for it at home. I can show you. I didnt mean to make you worry.“  
„Thats not an answer to my question.“  
„We…we did homework, ate together…I slept in his room.“  
„Look me in the eyes and repeat that please.“  
But his stepson couldnt tell the truth. Negan could smell it.  
„Are you doing drugs? Are you shopplifting? Are you smoking in the backyard?“  
„What? No! How can you even think that, daddy? Ow! I m sorry…sir…sir.“ Carl made himself small.  
„What am I supposed to think, Carl?! You wont tell me!“  
„I swear, I only had a sleepover with Ron. Nothing out of the ordinary. You can ask his mother, sir.“  
„You were grounded!“  
„I thought it wasnt on anymore, sir. Please, I m sorry, it wont happen again.“  
„Damn right it wont. No you re not, but you will be.“

Carl couldnt concentrate on his classes.   
„He thinks I m doing drugs.“ The note found its way to Ron.  
„He is insane, what did you expect?“  
„He doesnt trust me anymore.“  
„He is a controllfreak. Allways has been for all we know. Want to seek sanctuary at my place?“  
„Cant. Grounded until the next millenium.“

Obediently Carl went to see Negan in the big break. Negan was still busy keeping records, so he ordered him to do push ups until he was finished.  
„We have to keep track of your training schedule. Thats pathetic. Now. Lose your trouser and bend over the desk.“  
When Carl passed Negan on his way to the desk he tried to sneak a cuddle in as allways.  
„No, little monster. No. You know you re not allowed to around here. I ll cuddle you when we get home and when you have been good. You still have three spankings to go until then.“  
Now the boy started whimpering. Blindly he reached for Negans hand to hold him down. Negan knew that was what passed for hugs for Carl nowadays.  
The boy squirmed under his hand.  
Negan inspected his stepson not quite as thouroughly as he would have if they were at home. That would have to wait until later. But he saw that he would have to hold back a bit.  
He saw Carl closing his eyes. The boy was embaressed to death. Good.   
„Look at me.“ Whining lowely Carl opened his eyes again.  
„You are all good. You can take a lot more.“  
„Please, daddy, I m sore…“ Carl clapped a hand over his mouth. In vain. The words were out allready.   
„Sir…I meant sir…“  
Mercifull Negan held himself back. Heartbroken sobbs echoed through the room.  
„T…twelve, thank you sir.“  
„Tell me whats going on and I will call the rest of the punishment off.“  
But Carl stayed silent.  
Negan sighed. „See you at home. I ll call you when your lesson ends.“  
He locked eyes with his stepson. „Dont. Try. Anything. Funny.“

„Paranoid much, huh?“ Ron rolled his eyes when Carl took out his phone on their way off the school grounds.  
„I m sure he means well.“  
„Meaning well is mostly poorly done.“  
„Sir? Yes, I m off the schoolgrounds now. Yes, Ron is with me, i ll be home soon. Of course I ll call you when I get home, should only take ten more minutes or so. Yes, sir. Yes sir.“  
Carl put the mobile phone away again.   
„Yes sir, yes sir“, Ron sounded like a parrot. „You two sound like soldier and drill sergent. Please, somebody go and tell him to book a one way ticket to the asylum. Thats not normal, Carl. Dont you see that?“  
„He means well. He was really worried when I didnt tell him that I went out.“  
„He wasnt worried, he was pissed that he couldnt controll you anymore.“  
„Will you stay half an hour? We could get started on homework?“  
„Sure. But I ll make sure to be gone before your drill sergent comes home.“


	13. Not getting out of bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Boys are in bed quite often. I should talk to someone about that

„Can I ask you something?“  
„Huh?“  
„What happens if…your dad doesnt make it?“  
Carl didnt move a muscle. He held his breath.   
And Ron knew he had fucked up.   
„I think its time for you to go home.“  
„You…you arent mad at me, are you?“  
„You can leave now.“  
Carl closed his eyes and waited for the click of the closing door.  
„I m sorry Carl. I m really, really sorry.“  
His eyes were still closed. He had no clue how long he had been standing there.  
When he heared feet shuffeling around Carl lost it: „I said get lost!“  
„Is that any way to talk to your stepfather?“  
Frightened and shocked Carl turned around. „I…I…I m sorry, sir…I thought…“  
„Let me guess, you thought I was that brat Anderson, right? Well, think again.“  
„I m sorry, sir, I didnt mean to be rude…“  
Negan smirked, stepped closer, seized Carl at the chin and forced him to look into his eyes: „Apology not accepted. By the way you ve got twenty-four comming. You wiggled yourself out of your dose after school.“  
Now Carl started whimpering, wrapped his arms around Negan and hide his face against his chest. Negan refrained from pushing his stepson away. Instead he started raking his fingers through Carls hair.   
Carl nudged his nose against Negans chest.   
„What are you doing? Iiiih, you are all wet. Have you been crying, little monster? It will be allright. You dont have to be sad. Is this about daddy? Dont worry, baby. I hope he will be with us again soon.“  
Relieved, Carl cuddled up to Negan. The kind stepfather was here again. The one who held him, kept him warm, called him baby. The one he didnt need to hide his tears from.  
A sharp slap hit his bottom. Dont halloo till you are out of the wood.  
„Get on the bed and get rid of your trousers. Dont look at me like that, you brought that on yourself.“  
Carl looked right through Negan. There was no way he could take twenty four. He whimpered lowely.  
„Allright. We will postpone your punishment. You are in no condition to take it. Get rid of the shirt and put on your pyjamas. You need to rest.“  
Tentativly Carl reach out to Negan. Sighing the man claimed his side of the bed, crossed his hands behind his head and waited for his stepson to cuddle up to him. It only took Carl ten seconds.  
„Why do you still love me the way I treat you?“  
Carl didnt answer for a while. Then he whsipered: „You are the only one I have left.“  
„Point taken. Thats true.“  
„Please dont leave me, daddy. I ll try to be good.“  
„I ll try my very best to put up with you for a little while longer, if that helps you sleep at night. Now. Give me a kiss. Good boy. Listen to my heartbeat and try to sleep.“ Carl cuddled closer than close.   
„And stop nudging your disgustingly cold nose in my pecs. God, what are you? A dog?“  
Whimpering Carl obeyed, let Ngan drive him away a bit, then he curled himself up.  
„Do you want to sleep down there? Would you like that better?“  
Miserably Carl looked to the end of the bed. He wanted to sleep in Negans arms, not at Negans feet.  
„Oh, I see. A certain someone wants cuddles. Do you deserve them?“  
Big tears were rolling down Carls cheeks. Again Negan wished for a rack in his hell troture chamber. Maybe the devil had needles aswell. It was no less than someone like himself deserved.   
„Of course you deserve them, sweety. Come here. Up.“  
Carl held his arms out for Negan to grasp. The man pulled his stepson up.  
„Now. Silence. Try to sleep or I ll make you sleep on the floor on a pillow pile. Yes?“  
Carl nodded quickly.  
„Next time I ll cuff you to the end of the bed. Just you wait.“  
As he had expected the boy started whimpering immedeatly.  
„You would let me, if I wanted to do that, right?“  
Carl nodded. A haunted, distraught look crept into his eyes. The kid was so cute when he was afraid.  
„There isnt a single thing you wouldnt let me do. Right?“  
If there had been a way into Negans chest, Carl should have found it by now. He was glued to Negans body and held on for dear life.  
„Right?“  
Carl whimpered louder.  
„RIGHT?!“  
He could feel the tears of his stepson on his nightshirt.  
„Right.“ Softly, lowley and frightened Carls voice found a way out.   
„Lets pray for your father and get some sleep, right? You look like you could use it.“  
Sweetly, innocently Carl chanted a prayer for his father. In the end he was crying again. Negan wiped his tears away and caressed his hair till the boy was half asleep.  
„Sleep well, Carl.“   
Pray for me.   
But Negan didnt say that.


	14. No climbing out of windows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another day in the life of Negan and Carl. They miss Rick. A lot.

„I fucking miss you, Ricky. I cant even describe how much. I m only half of me when you arent around.“  
Negan could curse all he wanted. The sherrifs deputy didnt answer and didnt move. Sighing Negan looked at the parameters. It was hopeless. They wouldnt change again, that was what the doctor had said.  
Negan looked at the surveillance camera on his phone. Carl was sitting on his bed, playing with his stuffies. He seemed calm, relaxed and content. Negan had left him a glas of water, something to snack on and the stern order not to leave the bed, unless he wanted a spanking in the evening. Sometimes Negan contemplated if he was too strict with his stepson. If the methods he used werent too harsh.  
He had no idea why the boy worshipped him like a god. If he knew what was good for him he would hide everytime Negan entered the house.  
Absentminded Negan caressed Ricks hand and told him about Judys afternoons. What he would make Carl for supper.   
And he never got an answer.  
Judy was in bed and sleeping like sleeping beauty.   
Negan took his time. He fetched another glas of water from the kitchen before he opened the locked door to Carls room.  
The boy had curled around his favourite stuffie and whispered soft words of comfort into its plushy ear.  
When Carl got aware of Negans presence, he ran over to him and hugged him around the knees. Before he could say anything, Negan held the glas to his lips and made him drink.  
„Not so fast, you are splashing everything.“  
Carl nudged his wet mouth against Negans shirt and made waterstains.  
„I m sorry daddy, please dont beat me.“ The boy looked up to him with pleading eyes.   
„Now why would I spank you? Spank you. Not beat you. I dont beat you.“  
Carl couldnt see the difference, but answered Negan anyway. „I …I m so sorry, I disobeyed you, I went to the bathroom.“  
Negan frowened. „How did you manage that, the door was locked?“  
„I…I…dont make me say it daddy…“  
„How bad can it be? Did you shit behind your desk or something?“  
Carl looked at him as if he was crazy. He probably was. Just a little bit.  
„I…I climbed out of the window and climbed to the bathroom next door.“  
Before Negan could contain himself he had slapped Carl so hard that he tumbled over.  
„Are you insane?! How many times do I have to tell you not to climb out of windows?! Just you wait, there will be bars infront of your window, first thing tomorrow morning, I swear on your fathers deathbed!“  
The words were out before he could hold them back. And he could never take them back. His stepson just stared at him with empty eyes. Negan somehow hoped he hadnt understood what his stepfather had said in his rage.  
Carl backed up to his bed, got hold of his stuffed animal and started comforting the little bunny. He held on to it for dear life. Negan couldnt bring himself to say anything. He just stood there and watched the scene.  
„Daddy loves you. Everything will be allright. You are safe. You are warm. I m not leaving you. Everything will be fine.“ Carls eyes were so empty when he said that to his teddy, it gave Negan shivers.  
Slowly and carefully Negan bent down and picked up the bear that had tumbled down the bed.  
Tentativly he started talking to Carl again, through the little bear.  
Carl smiled a little and reached out to pet the teddy.  
Negan hoped that Carl would think the last scene had never happened. He held his hand out to his stepson. „Cuddles, sweetheart?“  
In the next second Carl was glued to him.  
„Please, angel, dont climb out of the window. You can knock on the door if you need anything, you know that, right?“  
Carl nodded, rubbed his nose against Negans chest and sighed.   
„ You sleep in my bed tonight.“  
Carl tilted his head to the side. Could you stop looking so adorable, Negan wondered.   
„Yes, you can sleep in my arms if you want to. Little monster. And dont think I forgot about the bars infront of your window.“  
„Please, daddy, dont.“  
„You should have thought about that sooner. And if you arent quiet right now, i ll make sure you will be crying all night.“  
Immedeatly Carl shut up and cuddled closer. He closed his eyes, nozzled into Negans chest and whispered: „I love you, daddy.“  
Negan wondered if he imagined his own father.  
„Look at me.“  
Carl didnt move.  
„Open your eyes and look at me.“  
He had been right. Negan laughed. „You dont love me. You are scared of me. You are thinking of Rick.“  
Just in time he saw the boy slipping into dissociation.  
„Hey. Hey! Stop that bullshit! Come back up. Come back here I said!“ His fingers were digging into Carls shoulders.  
„Ow…what…what is it daddy? Did I do something wrong?“ His stepson had woken up again.  
Negan let go of Carls shoulders as if nothing had ever happened.   
„Of course not, darling. I just thought you might be hungry, how about I bring you something to eat?“

Negan cursed himself seven ways till sunday. For bringing up Rick. For being cruel. For everything. But he couldnt stop. Something in him wanted to controll his stepsons movements, trigger his obedience and submission.  
Since the moment that a bullet had torn his second love out of his arms he had the feeling of loosing control. With Carl he still had it.  
Thats why he didnt say anything when his stepson waited for him on his knees.   
Gently he caressed Carls hair and sat in the chair next to Carl. The boy didnt even try to get up and sit himself down. Negan would have held him down anyway.  
When Carl reached up to get himself the bowl of cereal, he received a smack on the hand.  
„Try that again and I ll send you to bed without supper.“  
Negan wouldnt do that. Spank him, yes, give him a beating, yes, lock him up, yes but he had never withheld food as a punishment. That just wasnt his style. He allways said Carl was too thin. He maybe wouldnt allow Carl to eat on his own. But that would be the worst he would do.  
Carl whimpered lowely and tried to reach for the bowl one more time.  
„Naughty, naughty arent we?“ Two smacks to the back of his hand. Negan even held him at the wrist.  
„Now, sit on your hands and open your mouth.“  
Yes, not eating on his own it was. It was a little humiliating to be fed like a babybird, but whatever rocked Negans boat. At least he would get something to eat.  
„If you reach up one more time, i ll find my cane and you ll get it on your fingers.“   
Carl quickly nodded an „Okay.“ He really, really didnt want that.  
„You know that if you try to be good I dont have to beat you, right?“  
„But you like doing it anyway.“  
„What was that?!“  
„Nothing , sir.“  
He didnt get a bite for five long minutes, just watched Negan eating. Then Negan held the spoon out for him.  
„I didnt knew you had a cane.“  
„I dont. I bluffed.“


	15. Visits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Visits for Carl and Negan

„If I catch you snacking on chocolate one more time I will throw it out of the window!“  
„Chocolate is good for the soul.“  
„And bad for your teeth and your fitness. Give it here!“  
„It is mine, daddy bought it for me.“  
„Contradict me one more time, I dare you…“  
Carl handed the chocolate bar over. It was no use getting in a fight if Negan was in this mood. They sat together in the big break and the class that Negan had had beforehand must have fucked something up. Negan wasnt that irritated in the big break for no reason.  
„Will you get a cane for me, if I continue to fuck things up?“ Carl didnt look at Negan but at his shoes.  
„Use that word around here one more time and I ll sit your sorry behind down in detention and wash you mouth out with soap, just you wait.“ Uncarefully Negan ruffled Carls hair. It tugged.   
„And yes, I will.“  
Carl whimpered and wanted to nudge his nose in Negans hand.   
„No, little monster, no. You know you are not allowed to around here. Now run along and join Enid and Ron, I know you want to.“  
Smiling Carl got up and dissapeared around the corner.  
„I knew why I never wanted kids.“ Negan sighed.

„I m going to report him. I allways knew something was …off.“  
„Ron, dont. He is the only one he has left.“  
„I dont bloody care, he can move in with me.“ Ron was seething.  
„And how would that help with anything? Negan is still Carls legal guardian until his father is on his feet again.“  
„If his father ever gets on his feet again.“  
„RON! Shut up now, he is coming.“

Carl hid away from Negan for the rest of the schoolday. He didnt join the man at teampractice and he didnt join him for a ride home. Negan waited for fifteen minutes, then he took off on his motor bike on his own.  
He made a trip to the hospital and held Ricks hand for half an hour.  
„I dont know what to do, Rick. I wished you would be somehow here again.“  
He played with the wedding band on Ricks finger and looked at the paramters. It was hopeless.

„You know you could have told me you went home on your own, I m not used to search for you everywhere. And why the fuck does the kitchen look like a pigsty? Carl! Get over here!“  
The spoon that the boy had used for stirring the dough cracked down on his bottom five times. The boy, expecting a longer spanking, allready started sobbing.  
Negan dusted the flour off Carls jeans non too gently.  
„What in hell are you cooking? Pizza rolls? Sit yourself down, cut those up and get out of my way. Really, if I m not managing everything we would go hungry.“  
Tears were rolling down Carls cheeks. „Wanted to make you dinner.“  
„Well, arent you a sweetheart? Dont cry, Carl, that is so nice of you. We will do it together, wont we? Sit yourself down and cut the veggies. I ll take care of the dough.“  
Carl hugged Negan around the waist and nudged his tearwet nose into the mans chest. Negan still managed to knead the dough.  
„Baby. The veggies. You are making my shirt all wet.“ When Carl didnt let go, Negan gave him a sharper pat.  
„You know, we can cuddle later. Or I could bend you over the counter and let the spoon do the work. What would you rather have?“  
„I ll choose what you want to do.“  
„You really are a sweetheart today.“

Carl was kneeling on the kitchenfloor and tried in vain to get his weight off his knees and on his legs instead. Negan sat above him, he was eating. From time to time a cup with a straw was handed down to the boy. Every now and again Negan held out a piece of the pizza for his stepson. The first time it happened Carl had tried to take it from the man but that had only earned him three licks more on top of his punishment. Carl figured out what Negan wanted rather quickly. Negan wanted to feed him.  
„You are such a good boy. You dont feel humiliated dont you?“  
Carl smiled shyly and shoke his head. „I m imagining I m your puppy. You love me so much that I get scrapes from the table.“  
Negans laughter sounded back to them from the walls.  
In secret he was amazed how Carls psyche managed damage controll.  
Shyly Carl laughed along with Negan.  
Obediently the boy waited for little bites of the pizza.  
Negan held the cup to his lips. He imagined his stepsons tears after the spanking. Negan didnt necessarily thrive on hurting Carl, but somehow Carl was most pliant after a punishment. He would let Negan hold him. Sometimes he reminded Negan of Rick. It was a kind of comfort.  
„You do know sweetheart that I wont touch you if you dont want to?“  
„Of course, daddy. But I want to. Can I have a hug?“  
„And here I thought we still have a date with the spoon.“  
„I had hoped you would have forgotten about that. But yes. We have. Please, daddy, can I have a hug first?“  
„You and your god damn cuddles. No, little monster. Punishment first, you know our rules. Come here, the sooner we start the sooner it will be over and you can have your freaky cuddles. Let me see...you are most sensitive…here…right? Right. You werent really bad, so I ll just give you five on the sitspots.“  
Carl started crying before Negan had even handed the punishment out.  
„Well, well, well, look who is a crybaby tonight. Right. Will you let me touch you first? That will calm you down, wont it?“  
Negan ran his hand over Carls backside, kneaded and pinched mercilessly. As ever, Carl didnt complain, not once. He turned around and nuzzled into the hand that had held him by the neck.  
„Now, babyboy. I want you to hold as still as possible.“

Negan held Carl close and let him cry himself out.  
„Dont open your eyes. Just dont open your eyes. I will only see Rick and then I will be the bad guy again“, Negan thought.  
Wet stains formed on Negans shirt. Carl had nozzled his nose into Negans chest and sobbed softly. Gently Negan ran his fingers through Carls silky hair. That was the signal for Carl to start cuddling.  
„You are so nice and warm, daddy. Please dont be mad at me anymore. I love you.“  
„You only love me, because you have nobody else anymore, angel.“  
„We still have dad!“ Carl looked distraught, his voice was hysterically high pitched. „He isnt dead.“  
„No he is not. But you wouldnt describe that as living, would you? Being tied to a hundred tubes?“  
Negan didnt know why he spoke his mind to his stepson. The child was allready hyperventilating.  
„Please, let me go see him. Please, daddy…“  
Without thinking Negan brought his hand down on Carls backside. „Stop the hyperventilating, you will collpase.“  
„Please, daddy, please…“  
„Carl, stop it.“  
„Please, sir, I…“  
Negan closed his hand over Carls mouth and nose.  
„Stop it. Just stop. You have to calm down. Shshshsh. Thats better. Good boy, Carl. You want to be my good boy, dont you? Dont you? Yes, of course. You dont want to be locked away in your room again, no? See.“  
Carl was shaking. But his breathing started to get regular again. Negan ran his fingers down Carls back, massaging along the spine. According to Rick Carl had loved that when he had been a baby.  
Negan wondered if that was to be his life now: Calming Carl down from panic attacks every ten minutes.  
„Simon is coming over tonight. You will be good, right?“  
„May I sit with you for a while?“  
„If you want to.“

The evening went quietly. Simon and Negan watched some sportsgame. Carl knelt at Negans feet and played a videogame that Simon had given him as a present. It was nice, he could build a city and defend it against a dragon. Later on the dragon would become a friend. Thats what Simon had told him.  
Now and again Negan ran his fingers through Carls hair.  
„He was so distraught all day today. He is relativly calm now. Thanks for the game.“  
„I do hope you are kind to him in these hard times?“  
„What else would I be?“  
„Stern, strict and punishing?“ Simon looked at Negan with a raised eyebrow.  
„Did Dwight put you up to this?“  
„Yes and no. He wants to let you know that we are here for you. Times are hard on you and the boy.“  
„Carl! Go to bed.“ Negan nudged him with his foot.  
„But I want to free the dragon!“  
„Give it here and go to bed, its late.“ A kiss to the forhead, a quick slap on the bottom. „Good night, Carl.“  
„Good night, daddy.“ A kiss to the back of Negans hand. „ Good night Mr. Simon.“ A quick handshake.  
„Good night, kid.“  
„Thank you for the game, Mr. Simon.“

Carl sat on the stairs for a little while.  
„How is Rick?“  
„Hopeless.“  
„Does Carl know?“  
„No.“  
„Why on earth not, he is his son for gods sake, Negan. Why would you do this?“  
„I do because I can. I m his legal guardian, I decide whats best for him. He wont be able to handle it.“  
„Negan…I thought we all agreed that…you werent born to work with children…“  
„Would you shut up allready? I didnt ask for this. Carl just comes with the fucking package.“  
Silent tears were rolling down Carls cheeks.  
He didnt listen anymore. But he couldnt go to bed either. He just sat on the stairs like a stone statue. The spell only broke when Judith started crying. He got up as Negan reached the stairs and went to take care of his sister.  
When he was finished and Judy was sleeping again Negan just said good bye to Simon. Carl contemplated going to bed but then he just kneeled down on the stairs again. Negan would come after him one way or the other.  
A moment later the man stood infront of him. He had his arms crossed and looked uneasy.  
„You heared?“  
„Yes.“  
Negan rubbed his temples.  
„Is daddy going to die?“  
His stepfather didnt say no and didnt say yes. He just closed Carl in a hug and held him. Carl hugged him back and cried silently into Negans pyjamashirt.  
„I m sorry I came with the package.“  
„What nonsense are you blubbering now?“  
„You said…“  
„I say a lot when I m drunk with Dwight or Simon. Forget it. Now, will you be a good boy and sleep in your own fucking bed or do you need another spanking and a place at the end of my bed?“  
Sighing Negan rubbed Carls back when he went for the second option.   
„Even tough I dont really need another spanking…“  
„Let me be the judge of that. Carl, you do know that you sleeping in my bed is our little secret, right?“  
Carl nodded obediently, then he hugged Negan tighter. „I ll be good.“  
„Of course sweetheart. Well, get in my bedroom, bend over the pillows on the bed, lets get this over with.“  
Sometimes Carl wondered if Negan liked spanking him. Sometimes he wondered if Negan would just leave him on the side of a freeway after his fathers funeral. Sometimes he wondered if Negan told the truth when he told him he loved him.  
The hand that stroked down his spine startled Carl out of his thoughts.   
„Lets see, you are so pliant, I wont use the spoon, is that a deal?“  
„Thank you, sir.“

Carl rested on Negans chest.  
„Why do you let me do this to you?“  
„It makes you happier.“  
„You are insane.“  
„So are you. I want to go see daddy.“  
„No.“  
„Why not?“  
„Because I am your legal guardian and I said no. Contradict me one more time and we can play this game from the start.“

„Daddy? You need to get up, its nearly lunchtime. I brought you a coffee.“  
„Go to hell, Carl and by the way who allowed you to get out of bed?“  
„No one, but Judith wants someone to play with.“  
The front door bell ringed. Carl went down to answer it.   
„Negan! Its Miss Regina and Miss Arat from school!“  
„Tell them to go to hell, too!“  
„No thank you, Negan, sounds horribly overcrowded.“  
„Guys you really need a woman in this household. Carl, I ll help you with breakfast.“

„Miss Regina? Do you know anything about my dad?“  
„Stop the miss-nonsense, kid, we arent at school. No, kid, sorry, they wont give any information. I m not family, you see.“  
„How drunk is he?“ Arat pointed a finger upstairs.  
„I dont know, Mr. Simon was here yesterday.“  
„Drunk to bibbedy babbedy blue blazes then. Hey asshole! Get your lazy ass out of bed! Arent you ashamed to leave your kid all alone down here?!“  
„Stop screaming in my house, Arat, you sorry excuse for a history teacher!“  
„Okay, guys, Carl, how about I help you with Judy…“ Regina took Carls hand and lead the boy out of the room.  
„This madhouse is severly lacking a woman“, Regina stated.  
„I wouldnt call what is trespassing my corridors down there women, but whatever you say!“  
„Shut up, asshole!“


	16. Power games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even when he is sick Negan can be a pain in Carls ass

Regina and Arat helped Carl with lunch and preparing dinner beforehand before they went home. They left the strict instruction with Carl to call if Negan needed something.  
Carl rested at the foot of the bed, curled around the game that he had been given. Sometimes Negan nudged him gently, maybe he wanted to check if Carl was still there.   
„Do you need something, sir?“ Carl asked each and every time.  
„Where is Judith?“  
„Asleep. Its hot outside, she is tired. Do you want a glas of water? I ll get you one.“  
„Stay.“ Obediently Carl sat down again. „Come up here, kid.“  
Carefully Negan guided Carl down beside him. Carl flinched when he sat.   
„You hurt?“  
„No, sir, its just from the spanking. It will be fine.“  
„Did I…did I hurt you while I was…“  
„No, no, no, you didnt do anything, you just slept and were angry with Miss Arat and Miss Regina. The spanking happened before all that. I was kinda naughty. The spoon. You dont remember?“ Carl crawled up and cuddled into Negans chest.   
„Do you feel sick, sir?“  
„A bit. What is it with the sir-thingy? Are you in trouble or something?“  
„Am I?“  
„You tell me, little monster.“  
„I dont think so, daddy. I tried to take good care of you.“  
„You poor thing, you shouldnt be doing that all on your own. Call Miss Arat or Mister Simon over, if you need help, right?“  
Carl looked up at Negan with a distraught look in his eyes again. „I dont want them to take you away from me.“  
„What kind of nonsense are you talking now?“  
„Like daddy.“ Carl burried his nose in Negans chest. Negan could feel his tears.  
„Sweetheart, daddy is in the hospital, you do know that, dont you? Thats a whole lot different kind of sick than I am. And I even put it on myself. I can still take care of you and Judy…once the room stops spinning.“ Negan closed his eyes and drifted off again. 

When he woke up he smelled soup. Carl still rested at the bottom of the bed at his feet. He caressed the old picture of his parents. Quietly he spoke to his mother. Negan listened for a while, only when the boy started sobbing, he sat up and beckoned his stepson over.  
„Your hands, please.“  
Gently and carefully Negan started tapping on Carls upturned wirsts. Once right, once left and over again. Thank god, Carl didnt expect Negan to smack him on the wirst or hand. Negan had made sure to never do that.  
„You are safe. You are loved. Everything is allright.“  
Like a parrot he repeated the words. Carefully he guided Carl into his safe space. For Carl, it was a room with toys, a pillow fort and stuffies.  
For Negan, it was a gym. With different sports instruments and balls to throw around. Negan would have liked a bar better but the theraphist didnt approve of that.  
After a while Carl had calmed down again. But when Negan tried to get up he held onto him.   
„No. You are still tipsy.“  
„Excuse me?“  
„Tipsy. Arat said you are drunk.“  
„Thats Miss Arat to you, boy.“  
„I m sorry. I ll bring you coffee.“  
Negan caught Carl at the ankle and pulled the boy back. „You are doing what I tell you. You care for your sister, then you bring me coffee.“

It took Carl longer than Negan expected. But when he came back he knew why. His stepson had made breakfast for him.  
„Good boy, Carl. Did you eat allready?“ The boy denied it, smiled shyly and place the tray on the bed. When he wanted to leave Negan held him back.   
„Kneel beside me. Thats my boy.“ Carl was still smiling, he didnt seem bothered at all. He just watched Negan eat breakfast.  
When Negan held out the bread for him to take a bite Carl refused: „You need to eat.“  
„You too.“  
„But…“  
„Are you contradicting me?“  
Carl opened his mouth and let the bread in.   
„I decide when you get fed, little monster, so cherish each bite.“ Negan was grinning smugling.   
„My house, my rules.“  
„Well…actually its daddys house.“  
„Second contradicition. One more and we will have a problem.“  
Carl lowered his gaze and remained quiet, he only opened his mouth to receive the small bites of bread Negan offered.  
The scrambeld eggs were a bit salty. Carl became thirsty.  
„Do you want lucky charms later?“  
Carl nodded.   
„Well tough luck, you aint getting any.“  
„May I have a sip of water, sir?“  
„No. Open your mouth and eat.“  
They shared the bread, Carl was glad that he had made a big one. But now he was just upset that Negan refused him water.  
„Sir?“  
„Hm?“  
„You dont have to play power games with me. I do know that I am dependend on you. Even more so than Judy.“  
„And how is that?“  
„I dont know. But I am sure you wont withhold food from my sister.“  
„Are you sure?“  
Carl looked into Negans eyes. Deeply, darkly, sternly. „Yes. Very.“  
Carl inhaled and whispered: „And believe me when I say that if you make one wrong move against my sister I WILL call the police. Do what you want with me, if it helps. But. stay. away. from. my. sister.“  
„Fair play. Deal.“  
Negan never had had the intention of harming the girl anyway.  
„Fine.“ Carl cuddled into Negans chest again.  
„Naughty little monster, arent you, talking to me like that?“  
„Had to be done.“  
They were silent for a while.  
Negan sighed suddenly and gave Carl the glas of water. „You win.“


	17. Tempers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan has quite the temper in this one.

Negan had to stay in bed. He couldnt get up. At least that was what Arat said when she came back over at lunchtime. She took Judith with her, so the girl was out of Carls and Negans hair.  
Negan was cranky and by the time Arat left so pent up with anger that Carl began to fear him. Carefully he stayed out of the mans reach, didnt say anything and did everything the man demanded in the second he demanded it.  
Negan was openly cursing at his college and threw everything around that he could grab. When the baseballbat hit Carl on the arm on its way to the ground he lost it: „Would you calm down allready, Miss Arat only means well.“  
„Go to hell and take this witch of a woman with you, why dont you?! Meddeling, good for nothing woman, who thinks she knows everything!“  
„Miss Arat is worried about you. Just like I am. You wrong her when you curse her like that.“  
„Why dont you come up here and repeat that while you look me in the eye?! Or are you too scared of that?!“  
Carl took a step in Negans direction, took a deep breath, looked the man in the eyes and said: „Yes. I am too scared. I am scared that you might lash out. I am scared you might hurt me. I am not coming any closer.“  
Negan didnt say anything for a few moments. Then he raised his hands in surrender.  
Carl exhaled. „We only mean well. We are worried. We want you to get better. Arat is gone now, you can stop fussing. She will come back in the evening. May I please come closer now, you need a new set of pyjamas.“  
„Never said you couldnt.“  
His stepson regarded him like a wild animal would a deer. The moment Carl was within his reach he grabed him by the arm and pulled Carl towards him.   
„Never let your guard down around me, kid.“  
„My mistake. Wont happen again. Promise.“  
„Too late now, kid.“  
Carl sighed and nudged his nose into Negans chest. Tired. He was so tired. Tired of this world, tired of Negans games.  
„Well, get on with it.“  
„Get on with what, kid?“  
„Arent you going to whallop the living shit out of me?“  
„Carefull there kid, you are giving me ideas.“  
Negan felt Carl shaking in his arms.  
„Dont be scared baby, I am too weak to raise a hand against you. If you are an obedient, good boy for the rest of the day I ll let it slide.“  
„Thank you, daddy. I ll try.“  
„You re welcome. Ewww Carl, you ve got a disgustingly cold nose. Stop nudging it in my neck. What are you doing?“  
„Trying to keep you awake, so you can change your pyjamas.“

Negan was out like a light again. Carl threw the other pyjamas into the washingmashine. Then he called Ron.   
„Its not going well. Its exhausting.“  
„Dude, you shouldnt be doing this all on your own. Thats an adults job. If Negan cant take care of himself, then…“  
„We dont have anybody else. In fact I dont have anybody else left.“  
Carl felt for the first time how alone he was. Even though Negan waited in the other room.

Regina was back around dinner time. She had been shopping, left the groceries with Carl and refused the money the boy wanted to give her. Then she took over the kitchen and started preparing food for the next three days.   
„Arat will be over with meds tomorrow morning, just in case it might be something more than the booze. Sit yourself down, kid, you need to eat something too.“  
„Thank you, Miss.“ Carl started eating.

Regina had gone home again. Carl sat in his room and waited for bedtime. He guessed that Negan was sleeping, at least he hadnt called him. When it turned 9 o clock Carl went over to the bedroom and rested at the foot of Negans bed.  
„Hey there, little monster.“ So he wasnt sleeping.   
„What are you doing down there?“  
„Sleeping. In case you need anything at night. Are you feeling better, daddy?“  
„No, stupid, I meant what are you doing down THERE. Come up here, for gods sake.“  
Negan got hold of Carls ankle and pulled. Carl whined lowely, fidgeted and craweled up.   
„Good boy. Now, little monster, you will sleep, you need your rest. Stop worrying.“  
„But if you need…“  
„Thats an order, little boy. You do know what we do with insubordination in this house, right?“  
Carl tilted his head.  
„We nib it in the bud.“  
Carl pressed his lips to the back of Negans hand briefly. „Sleep well, daddy.“  
Negan waited until he heared Carls breathing getting softer. Then he got up, took a shower and called Dwight. 

„Tell Carl he can call me anytime too if he needs anything, right?“  
„I ll tell him.“  
„I do hope you know how much he loves you.“  
„Dont be ridicoulos, Dwight, he doesnt love me. He fears me, at the most. He respects me, most of the time.“  
„Yes, that too. And you are not doing a great job of calming this fear. But he loves you. God knows why. If you were my stepfather I would build a wall around myself.“  
„Well arent you a sweetheart today, Dwighty.“  
„All I m saying, you could be a little nicer to the kid. He goes through a lot.“  
„I AM nice to him. I give him a roof over his head, I feed him three times a day, hell, I let him sleep in my fucking bed most of the time.“  
„Thats not being nice, thats what he would get from child services too. And without your creepy attentions.“  
„What the fuck is that supposed to mean.“  
„Negan, please. The boy isnt Rick. Why would you let him sleep in your bed? That cant be healthy.“  
„You know what Dwight, try and get a child with Sherry and see how you are doing. Until then just stop talking.“  
„Negan, I only have the boys best interest at heart.“  
„Thank you, Dwight. You may leave now.“  
Dwight hesitated. „You arent mad at me Negan, are you?“  
„Have a nice day, Dwight.“

Negan wanted to go back to bed when he heared noises from the kitchen.   
„I thought I gave you the order to stay in bed, Carl Richard Grimes?“  
„I m sorry, I thought you might be hungry. I wanted to make you something to eat.“  
„Come here, eyes on me.“  
Reluctantly Carl obeyed.   
„Thats my job. Not yours. I m much better now, I can take care of you and Judy again. Your job is to let me.“  
„But daddy…“  
„Aaa, what did we say about contradicting, my boy?“  
Before Carl could answer, Negans phone ringed.   
When he heared Negans last name as the man answered the phone, Carl noticed that he forgot Negans surname a lot. It was just never used. Even at school he would refer to him as „coach Negan“.  
„Yes. I m coming.“  
„Is it the hospital?“  
„Hush.“  
Negan talked a bit more on the phone, then he put it away and took a shirt and trousers out of the cupboard.  
„I want to come. I want daddy…“  
„You stay here, I ll call Simon over.“  
„I want…“  
„Daddy. I know. Still. You stay here. This is grown ups business, I dont need you wandering around the hospital. I ll let you know what you want to know later.“  
When Negan passed him, Carl quickly wrapped his arms around Negans waist.   
„Please, sir, take me with you. I wont contradict you anymore, just please dont leave me here. I want to go see daddy.“  
„No, little monster, no. I ll call Simon and he will be with you in quarter of an hour. Thats better for you. I ll be back in an hour or two and I ll tell you all that you want to know.“  
Before Carls desperate eyes could change his mind, negan turned around and fled out of the room.   
He didnt notice that Carl was climbing out of the window on the first floor. He didnt know that Carl jumped down on the lawn. And he didnt see Carl hiding away in the back of the car.


	18. Stoaway and time for after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their trip to the Hospital and Trouble afterwards

„Negan? It is Simon. Are you sure your stepson is in tonight? He is neither in his room, nor in yours.“  
„What the hell are you talking about? Where else would he be?“  
„I even searched the cellar, he isnt anywhere in this house. Are you sure he was even here?“  
„Shit. Maybe he got out somehow. I cant turn around now, I m five minutes away from the hospital, but I ll be quick. Dont worry, he cant be far. Stay put, maybe he comes home again. Its raining cats and dogs.“  
Carl in the back didnt dare breath or move for a minute. He held his hand infront of his mouth so Negan wouldnt hear him breathing.  
Negan turned the speaker off and cursed to himself. „The little rascal is so in for it, when I get a hold of him.“ Then Neil Youngs music echoed through the vehicle.

Carls ankle hurt. But nontheless he made himself as small as possible. God knew what might happen if Negan noticed him. For all he knew the man wasnt above throwing him out of the car.  
Negan drove slowly and he looked around quite a bit. What should have lasted 10 minutes lasted 20 and then Negan arrived at the hospital, a blind passager in tow.  
It was sheer luck that his stepfather left the vehicle unlocked. Carl waited until Negan was inside the building and then he started running. He took a different route to the coma ward and prayed that Negan wouldnt notice him.  
When he arrived he saw Negan sitting at Ricks bed. He signed in with the nightnurse and hid in the hallway. He was near his father. That was everything that mattered to Carl.  
When Negan went to the bathroom he crept into the hospitalroom. Rick looked pale. Skinny. Carl whispered lowely, held onto his fingers and sang Judiths lullaby to his father. Then he kissed him on the cheek and went back to his hiding spot in the hallway.   
Suddenly he felt an icecold hand on his neck. He was screwed.   
„Tell me little monster, am I halluzinating? Because I was damn well sure that I left my little brat of a stepson at home in the care of Simon. Surley you must be a ghost then.“  
„I m sorry, sir. I wanted to see my dad.“  
„You will be, little monster.“ Carl felt Negan squeeze his neck gently. „Now, since you are here anyway, say hallo to daddy.“  
Negan was rather nice to him, as strange as it seemed. He held Carl when he started crying, he comforted him.  
When Carl had no tears left, just small, needy whimpers, Negan started to run his hands over Carls shoulders and arms.   
„All will be fine. You are here. I am here. Daddy is here. Tell him about your day.“  
The cold hand was on Carls neck again, squeezing gently from time to time.  
„Maybe I was wrong to keep you from your father like that. Maybe it will do you two some good. Go ahead, tell him something. They say he can hear us. Maybe.“  
Carl hummed a melody, before he started to tell his father about Judith, about Arat and Regina and Simon and Dwight. He left Negan out of the picture. He didnt want his father to worry.  
„Now we will say a prayer for daddy and then we say our good byes and we will go home again, its late.“  
Carl raised a shaking hand to cross himself but he was allready too far gone for that. Negan did it for him. Carl heared Negans words but he didnt understand them. He knew that his stepfather wasnt the overly creative man, he probably just said a prayer from the prayerbook. From the rythm it sounded like a Hail Mary.  
The Grimes family wasnt overly religious. But if Negan thought it might help, then Carl would join him. Obediently he bowed his head and tried to concentrate.

„You know I should make you jogg after the car after this stunt you pulled.“ Of course Negan didnt do that. „You will say sorry to Simon for scaring him like that. Really, your disobedience latley is worrysome.“ The doors of the car were closed.   
„How would you have gotten home?“ Carl didnt answer.   
„I should make you cut a switch from the garden when we get home.“  
„No, daddy, please dont.“  
„And you can forget about any freedom in the near future, just so you know. You had holiday plans with Anderson? Well, he better finds a new best friend.“  
Carl hung his head.  
„How long will Judy stay with Miss Arat or Miss Regina?“  
„I dont know, I thought about fetching her tomorrow. Cherrish the ability to sit comfortably, boy.“  
Being invisble would have been great.

Carl woke up at the foot of Negans bed. He couldnt remember when he had last slept in his own bed. Slowly he sat up and looked around, his stepfather was nowhere to be seen. What time is it, Carl wondered.  
„Well, well, well, look who is finally back to the land of the awake. Did you have a nice nap?“   
Negan handed Carl a cup of hot chocolate.  
Carl took a sip, then he nodded. „Yes. Thank you.“  
„What do you want for breakfast?“  
„Scrambled eggs on toast, please?“  
„Well, too bad, you will have plain porridge.“  
„Thank you, sir“, Carl repied humbly.  
Negan smirked and ruffled Carls hair. „Well, allright, just for that I ll add some sugar.“  
Absentminded Carl folded the extra blanket, hid it away under Negans pillow and went to take a shower.  
He listened to the radio. Negan had turned the volume up.  
„Weather will be nice today, Carl, we will spend the day outside. Maybe play some ballgames or stuff. Fresh air will do you some good.“ End of discussion. „Go back to sleep, for an hour or two.“

When Carl came to the kitchen Negan had allready finished his own first meal of the day. Only Carls bowl was standing on the table. But Carls chair was gone.   
Negan snapped his fingers and pointed down to the floor. Obediently Carl kneeled down next to his stepfathers chair.  
„Did I fall asleep in the car yesterday, sir?“  
„Yes. You were out like a light. You had a good nights sleep, right? You arent stiff anywhere, are you, kid? No? Good. Open up. Here comes the spoon.“  
Patiently Carl let Negan feed him.

Listlessly Carl watched Negan and the basketball.  
„Carl, dont just stand there. Come get it. Is that too difficult right now?“  
„I dont like basketball.“  
„You hardly like anything gymrelated.“  
„Thats not true. I like badminton.“  
„Thats for girls.“  
„Thats not true.“ Carl was close to tears allready. „You are just being mean.“  
„I m being educational. Now come get it!“  
With a sigh Carl flung himself in Negans direction but he didnt even get to touch the ball. So he watched Negan make another point. In secret he loved watching his stepfather play. It looked good, Negan could play so elegantly. Smiling gently he applauded for Negan.  
„God, kid, come off it, that was easy. Could have done it in my sleep. Here, your turn. Put some effort into it.“  
„I m not good at basketball.“  
„You could be. You just dont like it.“  
„Then why do you force me to do something that I dont like? Please, cant we play tennis or something?“  
„My backyard, my rules, my game. Now get on with it.“  
„Please, daddy, I m tired. Cant we do something else?“  
That had been a mistake. Negan never had liked backtalk.  
„Fine. Get down on your knees and do pushups. I m counting.“  
„How many, sir?“  
„Until I say you can stop.“  
After ten minutes Carl wondered when that would be.

Negan hit the showers first. When he came out of the bathroom he found Carl curled up in his bed. The boy was allready half asleep.   
„Go take a shower Carl.“  
„Dont want to.“  
„Fine, have it your way.“ Negan grabbed Carl at the ankle, pulled and scooped him up in his arms. It would have been wise to fight, but Carl didnt know that. He was pliant, just let it happen.   
Negan put Carl in the bathtub and turned on the shower. Now Carl wanted to fight. But now it was too late.  
The water was cold. All trashing around was useless, Negan held him tightly.  
„You are a meany, thats too cold, make it warmer!“  
„Is that any way to talk to me?“  
Negan didnt relent.  
Carl had curled himself in, shielding his stomach and chest from the cold.   
„Will you be good? No more backtalk? Will you obey when I order you to do something?“  
„Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.“  
„Yes what?“  
„Yes, sir.“  
Negan made the water warmer gradually until Carl unfolded himself again.   
„Thats nicer, isnt it? Here, wash your hair.“  
„You do it.“  
With a sigh, Negan handed Carl the shower and took the shampoo. 

They ended up on the couch together, lazyly watching a TV show.   
„Are you feeling better?“  
Carl shoke his head. „Do you?“  
„Not really. Maybe we can try badminton tomorrow.“  
„That sounds like fun. Thank you daddy. And thank you for not spanking me.“  
„Postponed doesnt mean forgotten.“  
Carl sighed and cuddled closer to Negan.   
„Still cold, little monster?“  
„Yes sir. You are so nice and warm.“  
„Are you tired allready? I think you should sleep in your own bed again once in a while.“  
Carl looked at Negan as if he had slapped him for nothing. Then he clung to him like he was drowning.  
„Or not. Fine. Have it your way. But you have to stay down at the end of my bed. No clinging to me, no nudging your disgustingly cold nose into my chest, no holding on to my hand the whole night.“  
„Why not?“ Carl was allready crying again.  
„Because I need my rest too. Why do you even have your own bed, you arent using it anyway?“  
The distraught look his stepson gave him sent chills down Negans spine.  
„Allright, allright, forget I said that. If you want to you can sleep up here. But…“  
„Thank you daddy, thank you, thank you, thank you!“ Negan suddenly had a lapfull of squirming Carl.  
„No, no, no little monster, hold still. None of that squirming stuff. Be good. I still want to watch the show.“  
„ Sorry, daddy.“  
Negan smirked. „You poor thing. You are allways so clingy when your father isnt here. Allways so scared someone would leave you.“  
Suddenly Carl was solemnly quiet again. Nothing was heared except tiny whimpers.  
Negan smirked some more and ran his fingers through Carls hair. Then he put the boy down on the floor. Carl kneeled at Negans feet, didnt move a muscle and his eyes never left Negan. Smirking like a maniac Negan continued to run his fingers through Carls hair. Then he tilted his stepsons chin up so Carl had to give him access to his throat. Still Carl was completly comfortable, the whimpering had stopped. Carl squirmed a bit.   
„No. You hold still. I know you are ticklish, you will have to grit your teeth and bear it if you want cuddles.“ All of a sudden Carl didnt move an inch anymore.   
„You love this, huh? You would let me cuddle you all night long, wouldnt you?“  
Smiling Negan nudged the end of a strand of Carls hair against the boys nose. Carl sneezed.  
The smile disappeared and Negan asked more sternly: „Wouldnt you?“  
„Yes, sir.“  
„Thats my boy.“   
Carl squirmed when Negan touched his neck again, his stepfathers hands were cold.  
„I will never leave you, you should know that by now. You try to run and hide from me, I ll drag you back here and give you the spanking you deserve. Right?“  
Now Carl was upset. „I would never run and hide from you.“  
Negan chuckled. „Oh boy, you should.“  
The touches were unrelenting. Carl had his eyes closed and looked like he had just entered candy land.  
„It really is all your own fault, my boy. Why do you have to have such a heavenly ticklish body anyway?“  
„You said cuddles, not tickling. I ll be good. Please?“ Squirming and gasping for air Carl started begging.  
„Who is the boss around here, boy?“  
„You are.“ Carl didnt even need a second thought.  
„Thats right. And dont you dare question it.“  
„I wouldnt, sir. Please, sir, can you go back to cuddling?“  
„Patience, boy.“  
Taking his sweet time Negan examined Carls throat and neck. When he came to Carls arms and armpits, his stepson tried to take flight.  
„That was a grave mistake, my boy. Come back here and I ll let it slide.“  
Carl hid under the dining table near the sofa that the two had been sitting on.   
„I m counting , Carly-boy. Still time to get out of that spanking you ve got coming.“  
„You said cuddles and all you want is to torture me.“  
„Such big, harsh words from such a naughty boy. One.“  
„I have been good, I dont need any punishment. Please…“  
„Good is a relativ term, my boy. Two.“  
Carl felt lost. There simply was no winning with Negan. He closed his eyes.  
„Three.“  
„I m here. I m right here. You can let it slide. I…I…I just wanted cuddles. But of course you can do whatever you want. Tickling is fine too.“  
Negan smirked evily. „You know Carl sometimes I think you are just incredibly stupid.“  
„I know that, stepfather.“  
„You said it five minutes ago, that you would never try and run from me. You must realize that this was a grave mistake on your part.“  
Upset Carl hang his head.   
„Look at me when I m talking to you.“  
Negan noticed that Carl zooned out on him again.   
„Sometimes I really dont get whats going on in that head of yours, kid.“  
„I just wanted cuddles“, Carl whispered.  
The stepfather got up from the couch and brought Carl a glas of water. The boy was too upset to drink on his own, Negan held the glas to his lips. Then he wrapped his arms around his stepson. Carl immedeatly cuddled close.   
Negan cursed himself. He had gone too far this time. Gently he ran his fingers through Carls hair, caressed the boys tearwet cheeks, nudged gently against his nose. Carl was smiling softly, looked relaxed again.  
„Well. Lets try that again. May i touch you here?“ He reached out and touched Carl behind the ears. Smiling Carl leaned into Negans touch and closed his eyes.  
„Good boy, Carl. See? That isnt so difficult. I wont touch you where you dont like it. You can say no anytime.“  
Negan tugged a bit on Carls ears, gently caressed his forehead and ran his fingers through Carls hair again.  
Despite his efforts Negan felt that Carl didnt relax fully.   
„You dont have to be afraid, sweetheart.“  
„You taught me to never let my guard down around you. I m just being carefull.“  
„I ll be gentle.“  
Negan pressed Carls palms gently, Carl closed his fingers around Negans.  
„But you are very wise to stay on guard. 40. Count with me.“  
„I hate you“ was written in Carl Grimes eyes.   
„Please…I ll be good.“  
„Well you werent. You do not run from me. Ever. Now be a good boy and count with me, lets get this over with and we can go back to cuddling.“  
Like a statue Carl had his eyes closed.  
„50. Bend over and show a little cooperation.“  
„You are so unfair, you said 40.“  
„That was before you decided to be stuborn.“  
Sighing Carl climbed over Negans lap.   
„Good boy.“ Negan didnt bother to get rid of Carls briefs. „Afterwards we do some more of your freaky cuddling.“  
„Isnt freaky.“  
„It so is.“


	19. Messed up flight, trouble and a memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carl should know by now that running from Negan isnt an Option. Negan remembers how he met Carl

Absentminded Negan ran his fingers through Carls hair. The boy rested on his chest, breathed in the same rythm like him and was three quarters asleep allready. His tears had dried on his cheeks.  
Smiling to himself Negan noticed that Carl had rested his ear right over his heart. It seemed to give the boy a kind of comfort.  
From time to time Carl nudged his runny nose into Negans chest. Normally he wanted something then. A tissue, a sip of water, a kiss to the forhead.  
„What is it, baby? Tissue? Good boy, Carl.“  
Carl smiled gently. Negan was kind to him again, calling him baby, comforting him.  
Gently he placed a kiss to the back of Negans hand.   
„Good boy, Carl. Arent you a sweetheart today, yes you are.“  
Carl whined lowely.   
„What is it? Are you still in pain angel?“  
Somehow Negan was reliefed when Carl denied that.  
„Angel, dont you think its time for you to sleep in your own bed again from time to time?“  
And now Negan had done it. Carl immedeatly looked distraught again, started whimpering and fresh tears were running down his cheeks.  
Negan sighed. „Forget I asked.“   
The boy clung to him again as if he was drowning.   
Just great, Negan thought, maybe I just should have let him fall asleep.  
It was getting hot. His stepson radiated so much heat that Negan started to sweat. But everytime the stepfather tried to get Carl off of him, the boy would whimper pityfully.  
„You dont have to be scared, Carl. I m not going anywhere. I ll stay right here. Lay down beside me.“  
The boy didnt move an inch.   
„Carl. Beside me. Now.“  
The firmer voice did it.   
As a comfort Negan rested his hand on the boys neck. Carl whimpered at first and ducked. Maybe he had feared Negan would hold him down or be ungentle.  
Silently Negan cursed himself for being rough with Carl sometimes. In times like this it came back to him and bit him in the ass.  
But after a minute Carl relaxed in his hold.  
„Daddy?“  
Negan tilted his head. „Darling?“  
„Why are you holding me like a papa dog would his puppy?“  
„I want you to calm down. And you allways seem more calm when I m holding you, baby.“  
„You could cuddle me, then I will calm down real quick. Please. Can you cuddle me?“  
Rolling his eyes, Negan started stroking Carl. The touch was firm and steady. His hand ran down the back of Carls neck.  
Negan turned the TV off.   
„Do you want something to eat? We will fetch Judith tomorrow, do the weekend shopping and is there something you d like to do?“  
„I dont know. Can we visit daddy? May I have a bread with butter, please?“  
„No you certainly may not, you may have bread with oleo.“  
That was fine with Carl too.  
„Can we visit daddy?“  
„I…I dont think so, no.“ Negan looked uncomfortable.  
„Why not?“ Tears were allready forming in Carls eyes.  
„Kid, can you not…please Carl, calm down. We…“ The phone ringed.   
„Hello, Grimes speaking?“   
It seemed odd to Carl that Negan wouldnt go by his own surname when answering the phone. Later Negan explained to him, that if he refered to himself as Negan Smith people might assume he had no connection to the Grimes family and was just a random stranger answering the phone.  
That was also why he insisted that Carl call him daddy in public and not call him sir. „People might assume we are strangers and dont know each other.“  
Now Carl rememberd why he forgot Negans surname a lot. It was hardly used and far too common.  
„Yes. Yes. I m on my way.“  
Negan got up and started searching for his jacket. Immedeatly Carl was by his side.  
„Where are you going? Are you going to the hospital? Take me with you!“  
„Carl. Listen. You are staying here and Miss Arat will be over to play with you. You will obey her and be good, right? Right? Yes, thought so. I m going to the hospital, but I m not going to see daddy. I ll just have to donate blood for daddy. Then I will be home again. Should only last…two hours or so?“  
„I want to come…“  
„Carl, no. You make yourself a nice time with Miss Arat. And believe me, if I have to start a discussion with you now, you have a punishment coming when I get home again. Listen. This time nothing of your playing stoaway in my car, got it? I swear, I ll leave you abandoned on the free way!“  
„But I…“  
„Allright! You fucking asked for it! I. have. no. time. for. this!“ Negan delievered six hefty spanks to Carls bottom.  
„Remind me you allready had six when we continue this later. Go read a book or whatever it is you like to do.“  
Carl knew there was no use in arguing any further. Obediently he fetched a book from upstairs and curled himself in on the sofa.  
Negan was still roaming through the rooms, looking for his wallet. When he passed Carl he placed a kiss on top of his head. „Good boy, Carl. Bye. I love you.“  
„I love you too. Please tell me how daddy is doing, yes?“  
The doorbell chimmed.   
„Hey. Thanks for stopping by. It should only take one to two hours, I ll be quick.“  
Arat kissed Negan on the cheek.  
„Be sure to eat something after the donation, or else you might become drowsy.“  
„Yes, mum.“  
„I ll give you mum, you cheeky oversized man-child!“  
„Thanks for your concern, madame. See you later.“  
Arat slammed the door behind Negan.   
„This sorry excuse for a gymteacher will drive me insane one day in the near future. Carl? Hey there sweety. Can I do anything for you?“  
Smiling Carl reached out to her. They hugged for a brief moment.   
„Do you know how my sister is doing?“  
„She should be fine. Shall we call Miss Regina?“

Negan watched his blood streaming out of his vene. On days like this he thanked god that he was an universal doner and Rick wouldnt have to relay on his son for every drop of blood. Of course the doctors would have preferred a relatives donation but Negan refused to put his stepson through the ordeal until it was truly necessary.  
„Please Rick. Just wake up. Come back to us. The kids need you.“ Forlornly Negan looked at the last picture of his husband on his phone. „I need you.“

Carl had won the first game of cards, Arat the second one. Carl had been sent to bed ten minutes before Negan came home.   
Arat and Negan exchanged a quick chat, then Carl heared Arat leaving and Negan rumaging around in the kitchen. Hopefully the man made himself something to eat.  
It calmed Carl down somehow, knowing Negan was there. The boy closed his eyes again.   
„Punishment first or hot chocolate first?“   
Damn! The man had managed to sneak up on him.  
Negan answered the question for him when he pressed the rim of the cup to Carls lips.  
Maybe he should have pretended to be asleep allready.  
„I would have known that you werent asleep yet.“  
„Are you a mindreader, stepfather?“  
„No, but I know you quite well, stepson dearest. Stop slurping, drink properly.“  
„Did you drink too? You must be exhausted from the donation?“  
„Carl. I m your stepfather, not you mine. Tell me, were you a good boy?“  
„I think so, sir. Please, sir, you told me to remind you that I allready had six a bit earlier.“ Negan seemed pleased. He kissed Carl on the forehead.  
„Well, I guess I can go easy on you then.“  
After the twentieth hit Carl wondered what the man defined as easy. Counting obediently Carl tried to stay as still as possible. He was glad that Negan at least tried to hold himself back.  
But Carls stepfather didnt stop for what seemed a long time to Carl. Carefully Carl reached up to get a hold of a finger of the hand that held him down. „Please daddy, please, you said you would go easy on me.“  
The fear in Carls eyes shocked Negan a bit.  
„Its allright sweetheart, we are halfway through allready. I ll grant you a break, then we finish this up here.“ Negan backed off and left the room.   
Shaking a bit, Carl sat up.   
When Negan didnt come back immedeatly, Carl made a hasty decision. He put on some clothes, grabed his wallet and mobile phone, climbed out of the bedroom window, held his breath and jumped. The fall hurt his ankle.  
He hadnt thought anything through, he just was in flightmode. He ran and ran and ran, he couldnt feel the pain in his foot. Tears were streaming down Carls face.  
Somehow he made it to Dwight and Sherrys house. He managed to ring the doorbell before his psyche shut him down. He fainted.

Carl woke up when a gentle hand caressed his hair. When he opened his eyes he saw Dwights wife Sherry sitting next to him.   
„Are you in any pain, sweetheart? Do you feel sick, or do you have a stomach ache?“  
„No, maam.“  
She smiled. „Thats good, because it means you get to eat!“ 

Dwight stood in the kitchen next to his wife and whispered: „He can stay here as long as he likes for my part. Lets see what the doctor says. Where the hell is he anyway?“  
„Should we call Negan?“  
„Are you insane? He will wreak havoc.“  
„You probably are right.“  
„Allright, my boy, lets get back to it. Lets get this over and done with and lets get back to being friends, right? You know, you are really making our lives miserable if you are so naughty all the time. Really, Carl, I…Carl? Carl! Come on out! Carl! That isnt very funny! Where the fuck are you? Dont tell me you tried something stupid again like running away?!“  
When Carl didnt answer fright got a hold of Negan.  
„Carl! Answer me. Where the hell are you?“  
Breathing became difficult for Negan. He searched the whole house, bottom to top, twice. Carl wasnt there.  
Dwight was the third one on Negans list. Sherry answered the phone.   
„Good evening, Sher, please you got any idea where Carl might be?“  
„I…um…why…why are you asking…isnt he home?“  
„Woman, where the fuck is my son?!“ Negan smelled blood.  
„Technically he isnt your son, he is just your stepson, and…“  
Negan had hang up.   
„Dwight! We ve got six minutes until Negan will come crashing through doors and windows!“

They had three minutes.  
„I m not going to throw a tantrum like a fucking three year old. Just hand over my son and we are good.“  
„ He is your STEPson and I…“  
„SHUT THE FUCK UP woman or I m calling the police right away!“  
Now Dwight intervened: „Good luck with explaining Carls condition to the police! Negan, please. Lets all be civil, right? If you are overstrained with raising the kids on your own at the moment, dont take it out on the kid. We want to help you. Let us take care of Carl and his sister until you are back on your feet again. The thing with Rick…“  
„LEAVE RICK OUT OF THIS AND GIVE. ME. MY. SON!“  
„Remove yourself from my property Negan Smith until you can behave yourself!“ Sherry was fuming.  
Now Carl saw what his hasty decision had cause. Negan and Dwight might suffer a falling out.  
One deep breath. Second deep breath.   
„I m coming. I m here. It was my fault, dont be cross with Dwight and Sherry.“  
As soon as Negan had gotten a hold of Carl his features relaxed and the agressive posture vanished.   
„Thank you for taking care of my son. We shall go.“  
Carl shot a gratefull look back to Dwight and Sherry, then he let Negan lead him away.

As soon as Negan was in their house with him again, Negans grip on him tightened.   
Carl didnt put up a fight when Negan started to undress him down to his boxers and put him in his pyjamas. He let Negan move him to the adult bedroom and obediently put his wirsts in Ricks cuffs. Somehow Carl understood that Negan needed reasurance right then and there.  
„I m not going anywhere, see? I ll stay right here, promise.“  
Negan made a sound that reminded him of a snarling wolf. He closed the handcuffs. Then his stepfather wrapped his arms around Carls middle and held him tightly.  
Carl smiled sadly. The hug he received at the moment had nothing to do with affection. It was just Negans way of showing dominance.  
Smiling gently, trying to calm Negan down, Carl caressed the mans hair. „I m yours. Your stepchild. I know. You dont have to get posessive.“  
Negan was snarrling again, swatting Carls hand away.  
„Turn over. You do realize that you got yourself in a lot of trouble, right? Now, we finish up the punishment from before and afterwards we will have a discussion about your running habit.“  
Carls trying to calm Negan became frantic.  
„I m right here. I wont run from you again. I…I just got scared, thats all. Please, daddy…I m still scared.“  
Negan tightened his hold on Carl. „You dont have to be. Just be a good boy and it wont be too bad.“

Negan had an armfull of sobbing Carl in his lap. The boy was still over his knee. He was shaking and whimpering softly as Negan applied layer after layer of Ricks pain cream.  
„See sweetheart. That isnt so bad now, is it? That will teach you never to run from me again, right? We will get some sleep and tomorrow everything will be peaches again.“  
„Please, daddy it burns so bad.“  
„Thats good. Its supposed to. You. dont. run. from. me.“  
At least he wasnt snarling again.

„Judith!“ Carl hugged his sister and wouldnt let go of her. They were together again. Now his father only had to wake up. Then they could be a family again.   
Negan took Judith from Carls arms. „Thats enough coddeling. Go back to your room. Chair and bed, dont forget.“  
Obediently Carl let Negan lead him upstairs. Better than another round across his stepfathers knee.  
Before the man could close the door a memory forced itself into Carls mind and before he could hold himself back he blurted out: „Will you ever forgive me?“ And a look into Negans eyes told him that Negan knew what he was talking about: 

Rick had moved them during summerholidays and Carl had known that his father was seeing someone in this new town. He just had no clue who that was. To be frank he hadnt been interested either. He had had trouble with the coach at school because he had been chatting with Ron Anderson in the gym lesson. In Carls eyes coach Negan had been unnecessariely strict. Five strokes with the paddle for chatting felt like a bit over the top.  
So he hadnt been in the best mood when he came home and then the first thing he saw on the porch of their house had been coach Negan. And he hadnt held himself back and had blurted out: „What is HE doing here?“  
Then his father had explained that coach Negan had been his boyfriend for a while now and that they had decided that he would move in with them. Carl had pulled himself together, had apologized and had held his hand out for Negan to take. But he didnt take it.  
Ever since then Carl had one wish: „Could we start again please?“ But it was never granted.


	20. The leaden chambers, the lion and Venice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan shares a wish and a book with Carl. And finally he also shares something to eat with his stepson.

Negan starred at Carl for a moment longer. Then he said a simple: „No.“ and closed the door. Carl was alone.  
Sighing he curled around his pillow on the bed and tried sleeping for two hours. When Negan opened the door to bring him breakfast he was allready awake again. Carl got up to take the tray from his stepfather.  
„Aaa, what did we say about leaving the bed?“  
Carl froze. „I m sorry, daddy, I forgot.“  
„Relax, I m not going to iron your face. I brought you something to eat. Come here. Kneel. Good boy Carl.“  
Negan sat down and started feeding Carl spoonfull after spoonfull.  
„First one is free, you now that, dont you? Next time there will be trouble.“  
„Yes, sir.“ Somehow Carl hoped if he managed to pull off the obedient, devoted stepson Negan might back off and let him off the hook.  
Spoonfull after spoonfull. Cereal.  
„If I was you I wouldnt bother dressing today. Your room is going to become an outpost of the leaden chambers of Venice today. Its freaking hot outside.“  
„What chambers?“ Carl tilted his head.  
Negan smiled, sat down beside Carl on the floor and hugged the boy close to him.  
„You do know where Venice is, right? Italy, correct. A long time ago, when you committed a crime you might have been sent to stay in a special area of the dungeon, the leaden chambers. They became quiet deadly in Italys heat. Eat up.“  
Carl looked a bit distraught, nudged his nose into Negans chest and cuddled into Negans shoulder. Negan smiled.  
„You scare so easy, baby. Its almost adorable. Come on, eat.“  
Slowly, slowly. Carl wanted to keep Negan by his side for as long as possible. Being alone was so boring.  
„Are you stalling little boy?“  
„Yes, sir. Please, daddy, dont leave me alone again.“ But Negan slipped through his fingers again.  
Carl sighed and cuddled up under his blanket.

Negan had been right, soon he got rid of the blanket. It simply was too warm. Carl got up and went to his looked door. He leaned against it and imagined Negan sitting behind it, keeping watch.  
Carl made a mental note to look for the security camera when Negan stormed in like a tornardo.  
„You know why you re in trouble?“  
Making himself as small as possible, Carl nodded. „Yes sir. I left my parameters.“  
„Go to the bathroom, undress and lay down in the bathtub.“

Carl had to give Negan that: He started showering him at the feet , he went up slowly and the water wasnt ice cold. Actually it was quite refreshing after two hours of the „lead chambers“. Still, it was a punishment, so Carl had lowered his gaze, had pro forma asked Negan for mercy and he had trashed around a bit, had given Negan a bit of a fight.  
Negan had held him under the cold shower relentlessly until he had held still again.  
„We good?“  
„Yes, sir. I m sorry.“  
Smiling contently Negan wrapped Carl in a cuddly, warm towel and held him close. „Good boy, Carl.“ Carl held on tight.  
„If you are good for the next hours I ll keep you company at lunchtime, my boy. Would you like that?“  
Nodding eagerly Carl put his dayclothes back on.  
Negan dropped him off on his bed but returned a few minutes later holding a book.  
„Something to keep you company. I expect a written report about the first few chapters when I come back. Got it?“  
Curiously Carl glanzed at the title: „ Legends of Venice.“ Smiling Carl took the book and pencile and papers from Negan and sat back at the headboard of his bed.  
„Good boy, Carl. Do you wish for something to drink while you are working on that?“  
„That would be kind, sir, thank you.“  
Carl got lost in the book, it was nice to have some distraction. The hours faded away. Only half way through he remembered that Negan would want a report. He flipped back and started writing.

When lunchtime came around Carl started to wonder if teenagers his age could get thrombosis from too much bed rest. He only knew that if Negan didnt let him out of his room soon he would go mad and maybe he would have to learn to walk again.  
Absentminded Carl drew a lion with wings on one of his pages. When Negan suddenly harrumphed behind him, it startled him so bad that he dropped the book by accident.  
„Are you ready yet or are you just dillydallying?“  
„I m sorry sir, I just took a break.“  
Negan took the drawing. „I see. You are quite the artist, my boy.“ He sat down, looked over the other papers and caressed Carls hair and neck while he was reading. Out of instinct Carl ducked, but Negan just carried on. From time to time Carls neck was pinched. Carl assumed that he had made a mistake when Negan did that.  
„Its not bad. Go on. No more dillydallying until you are ready, you hear me? And there will be no lunch until you are ready.“  
„Please, stepfather, may I write it in the kitchen or by your side in the living room?“  
„No. You are too distracted as it is.“  
Negan left again. And he took the drawing with him.  
One hour later Carl only had one chapter left to review but his thrist became unbearable. He was sweating and he felt dizzy.  
Throwing all caution in the wind he got up from the bed and threw himself against the locked door. „Negan! Let me out! Let me out of here! Let me…“  
„What the hell is all this fuss about?!“ Negan unlocked the door. Without thinking Carl threw himself at Negans feet, wrapped his arms around his stepfathers knees and fought for air.  
Negan didnt move a muscle for a minute, then he bent down, wrestled his stepson to the ground and put a hand on Carls chest and his stomache.  
„Breath in until you touch my hand. Breath into the stomache. Good boy. Hold it. Now breath out and escape my hand. Very good, Carl. Again.“  
Negan made sure that Carl breathed out longer than he breathed in.  
„I m right here. Just breath.“  
„Please, sir, please…please…“  
Instead of an answer Negan pressed a glas of water against Carls lips. „Slowly.“  
When he had finished drinking Carl held onto Negans wrists. „Please, daddy, I ll be good.“  
„Will you now? Well, I guess you can come downstairs with me for an hour or two. Are you hungry? I have lunch allready ready.“  
Carl was glad.  
When he passed Negans bedroom he saw that Negan had hung his drawing of the lion over his bed.

„You wanted to go to Venice with my dad for your honeymoon, right?“  
Negan put a bowl of carrot-ginger-soup infront of Carl and handed him two slices of toasted bread.  
„Correct. Maybe we can finally do it when he is back from the hospital.“  
Smiling Carl took a spoonfull of the soup. „Thank you.“  
„What for?“  
„For the soup. The bread. And for saying „when“. Not if.“  
Negan smiled.  
„Maybe you can come to Venice with us. Would you like that? Judy too?“  
„You would take me with you?“  
„If you are good, why not? Can you be good?“  
Carl thought about it for a moment. „Depends on what you define as good, stepfather?“

Negan didnt allow Carl to go outside but he permitted an hour of sitting on the porch. Carl sat at Negans feet and played with Judith until it was her bedtime.  
While Negan put her to sleep Carl made the man a fresh pitcher of Lemonwater. Negan liked that.  
„You know, boy, I ve allways thought about grounding as such a draconian punishment. Its taxing on the nerves, isnt it?“  
Carl nodded in agreement.  
„You know what, next time, I will just spank your disobedience right out of you. Is done quicker, isnt it?“  
„There wont be a next time, sir, I promise.“  
Negan laughed. „Oh Carl. Whatever you say.“


	21. Paying for freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little bit of freedom with Ron and the Price Carl pays for that

„And here I thought Negan had burried you in his cellar, buddie. Glad he didnt. What were you up to?“ Ron handed Carl bread, then cheese as they passed the fridge section of the store.  
„Dont ask. Where are the pickles? Ah, there. I ll have to hurry he is waiting at the gas station next door.“  
„Seriously, dude, its like he is your jailer or something. You cant possible have done something so bad that deserves a grounding for the holidays.“  
Carl shrugged. „That depends. I ll have to go, I ll call you in the evening, okay? Maybe he ll allow me to visit you sometimes.“  
„Ask him, right?“ Quickly Ron sneaked in a hug, because Negan entered the store.   
„Carl? What is taking you so long?“  
„I m right here! Coming!“  
„Carefull there kid, you are risking your freedom. What are you up to with Anderson, huh?“  
Negan ruffled Carls hair, he wasnt as mean right then as he sounded.   
„Please, daddy, can I visit Ron sometime?“  
„If his manners improve and he grows the balls to actually fucking GREET me when he meets me, then yeah.“  
Ron straightened, took a deep breath, took a step forward and held out his hand for Negan to take.   
„Coach Negan. Good morning.“  
„Anderson.“ Negan smirked. „You are very welcome to visit us sometimes too.“

„Really, kid, what do you see in that little brat anyway?“  
„He is my friend, daddy. He likes me. I like him. He has it rough with his dad, he needs friends.“  
„He needs a fucking spanking, cheeky little monster that he is.“  
„No, daddy, he doesnt. He is a good boy, allways takes care of his little brother, honestly.“  
„You take care of Judith too.“  
„Yes. But I am no good boy either.“  
Negan and Carl laughed together.

„Can I go over to meet Ron at his place, please? You promised me?“  
„You do know that you are technically still grounded, do you boy? I took you shopping out of leniency. I said he may visit us sometimes, not the other way round.“  
Carl was on the edge of dispair. „Please, daddy…“  
„Oh daddy, daddy, daddy, stop it. Right.“ Negan bowed down and whispered in Carls ear: „10 with my belt and you are good to go for as long as you like.“  
For a minute Carl froze like a statue of ice. But then he took a deep breath and nodded.  
„Do you want to do it now, sir?“  
„Really, kid, I m not that cruel. You go enjoy your afternoon.“

„Have you seen Enid around?“  
„No, mate, she is on holiday with her parents. But when she comes back I ll be the first to let you know. Maybe we can hang out sometimes, watch movies or stuff.“  
„Good idea.“ Carl looked out of the window. The sun was shining brightly.  
„You know, I ve missed having you around. Sam keeps asking to go on play dates with Judith, if you dont mind. He is great with other kids, dont worry.“  
Ron gently touched Carls shoulder. „You know we thought it might do you two some good, being around other people. Negan allways seems to keep you inside. Hey, buddie, do you wanna paint with me?“

Carl declared Jessie the coolest mum in the universe. She gave the boys the left wall of the garage to paint on.  
„I want something crazy and colorfull if you please. If it looks too strange we will just paint it white again.“   
Carl was in heaven.   
Smiling brightly Ron watched his friend dive into his little space. Carls eyes sparkeled like stars. After some time, Carl let go of the brush and hugged Ron. Gently Ron ran his fingers through Carls hair. He knew that his friend was cuddly when he regressed into his younger self.  
Colors, colors, colors. Carl was so concentrated that he didnt even notice the stains on his jeans.   
„Oh shit! Come on mate, we finish this up here and then we ask mum if she can help you wash that. I ll let you borrow one of my jeans.“  
But they didnt come that far. When they turned around the corner half an hour later Negan was allready sitting on the porch with Jessie. Worried Ron looked at the three empty bottles of beer.  
„You wanna sleep here buddy? I m not letting you go home with him if he is…like that…“  
„Please, god, lets hope Judith isnt in his car.“ Carl was panting heavily.  
„If she is, I ll kill him. This irresponsible, crazy…“  
„There you are, Carl. Look at you, did you fall into a paint pot?“  
Carl was on guard. Negan didnt look particularly wasted. But you could never know for sure.  
„Where is my sister?“ Carls voice was ice and daggers.  
„With Miss Maggie.“ Everybody heared Carl exhale in relief. He then went on to hug Ron good bye.  
„Call me if things get though, brother, right?“  
„Right.“  
Carl thanked Jessie and went with Negan. To his astonishment Negans car was nowhere to be seen.   
„Did you come here by foot, daddy?“  
„You must think me mad or something. I cant drive today.“  
An other horrible vision plagued Carls inner eye. His sister left abandoned at home, all by herself. „Where is Judy?“  
„Still with Miss Maggie and Glenn. I wanted to pick her up but they werent home yet. God knows where they are.“  
An idea struck Carl. „Can you park me with Glenn and Miss Maggie too from time to time?“  
„Your old man not good enough for you anymore?“ Great, now Negan was pissed.  
„I didnt mean it like that, daddy. It was just a question. Please forget it.“  
Negan grunted.   
Carl sighed.   
„You look like you had a roll around in the hay with Picasso. Do you think this stuff will wash out again or do we have to go shopping for a new Jeans tomorrow?“  
„It will wash out, sir.“  
„Did you have a fun afternoon, my boy? You sure look happy enough.“  
Carl nodded.   
„You still want something to munch on later or are you ready for bed yet?“  
„Please can I have a bread with scrambled eggs?“  
„Sure. Oh look we are almost home.“  
Carl sighed again. The house looked so cold since his father wasnt waiting for them to get home in the evening.

Negan was washing up, Carl was drying the dishes. Carl made sure to take extra care. Maybe he was stalling.  
„Are you ready yet, sweetheart?“ Negan took an other towel and helped Carl out.  
„Do you want to sleep at the foot of my bed tonight? I ll have to go fetch you a winter blanket soon. You arent cold at night allready, are you?“  
Smiling Negan caressed Carls hair.   
„No, sir. I m fine. Thank you for letting me sleep with you.“  
„Christ, kid, dont put it like that, if anybody hears that…“  
Now Carl looked confused.   
„Sweetheart. You do know that you sleeping in my bed is a secret between us, right? Tell me, where exactly do you sleep?“  
„At the foot of your bed. I have an extra blanket. Why is that so important?“ Carl looked even more confused.   
„See? If we dont want to explain that everytime we better shut up about it all together, got it?“  
Carl looked at the verge of tears again. „Dont you want me to sleep in your bed anymore?“  
„Boy, I dont mind where you sleep. You could sleep on the rag infront of my bed for all I care. We can transfer your bed into my room, if you like. I dont give a damn. All I wanted to say was we need to get you a warmer blanket.“  
Frowning for a moment Carl rolled a thought around in his head.   
„I could allways cuddle up to you. You are so nice and warm.“  
Negan slammed his forehead against the kitchen cabinett. Frequently. „Kid, I m left with the impression you are missing the point here. Now stop dilly-dallying, we still have a date with my belt.“  
Carl hang his head.  
„Dont give me that look like I am the villain here. We made a deal.“  
„I miss Judy.“  
„Me too. God knows where the Rhees are. I said stop dilly-dallying. A snail is faster than you.“

Carl tried not to cry. He knew that would upset Negan even more. But he couldnt help wanting cuddles and comfort. It hurt that Negan seemed more relaxed and content after the punishment. And when he tried to reach for Negans hand he shyed away.  
„Now, surely it wasnt so bad, was it? Dont be such a crybaby.“  
Carl suddenly felt used and dirty. Every fiber of his body hurt. He took a few deep breaths.  
„Are you feeling better, daddy?“  
Negan stared at him and didnt answer.  
„I…I just hope you are feeling better. Please, daddy…I m so cold…could I have a blanket or something?“  
When Negan didnt react, Carl felt himself slip into dissociation. He didint fight it.

When Negan had calmed down he heared his stepson whimpering lowley. The boy was shivering. Negan cursed himself, his temper and his moods. Quickly he wrapped his stepson in a blanket.  
„I m so sorry, baby. You are so very brave to put up with me. Shshsh, everything is allright again.“ Negan remembered that Carl had said something about him being nice and warm. So he took the boy into his arms and prayed silently that the shock wouldnt kill Carl.  
He was glad when he felt Carl nudge his nose into his chest.   
Did he feel better? He remembered that Carl had asked him. He didnt know.   
„Mummy…“ He heared Carl whisper. When he looked down he saw that Carl had his eyes closed. His cheeks where wet with tears.  
Negan knew that if Carl dissociated he often went back to memories.  
„Its allright baby. She loves you. She will allways watch over you.“  
Glad when Carl continued nudging he ran his fingers through Carls hair. „What do you want baby?“  
„Hot chocolate?“  
„Nice try, kid.“  
But the boy looked so sad and heartbroken that Negan complied eventually.  
They looked at the family picture together.   
„Your mother was a beautiful woman. Something of her has to be in you, I guess.“  
Carls cheeks were wet with tears. „Really?“  
Negan smirked. „I guess. You are so much like your father. Sometimes I can nearly see him looking at me through your eyes.“  
And its no approving look. Rick would have executed me by now. Ten times over. But Negan didnt say that.  
Negan nudged the cup against Carls lips. „Drink, baby. Do I really need to fetch Judys babybottle? You like it when I m babying you, right? My little monster.“  
„Monster?“ Now Carl was upset again.  
„A joke. Come on now. Drink. Dont be difficult.“  
Carl suckled on the cup obediently.  
„Now. Go to sleep. At my feet. Under your own blanket. No sneaking cuddles in, got it? If I catch you sleeping up here, there will be trouble.“  
Whimpering lowely Carl obeyed.  
When Negan thought that Carl was asleep he reached down and caressed the boys hair and cheeks fondly. Carl wasnt totally asleep yet. Smiling softly he bathed in the affection his stepfather showed him, even though it was in secret. He was delighted when Negan pulled him up, put his head on his own chest and let him listen to his heartbeat. Carl wondered if he should pretend to wake up and if he should crawl back down to the end of the bed. Maybe Negan would nudge him back to his place when he had cuddled him enough. Carl didnt mind. He kept his eyes closed and enjoyed the attention. It was beyond him why Negan wouldnt caress and cuddle him when he knew he was consious. Maybe he thought it would spoil him too much.  
When Carl woke in the middle of the night for his sip of water he dared to cuddle up to Negan anyway.


	22. Visiting hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carls day out

„I just want you to know I m here for you, man.“ Dwight sat beside Negan as they watched the blood donation flow from Negan s arm.  
„Are you dizzy? Do you need a glas of water?“  
„Dwight, SHUT UP and baby your wife, she might actually need it!“  
„How is Carl?“  
„Right as rain, just peachy! Why shouldnt he be? His father is on his deathbed, he is dissociated half the time and naughty to blue blazes the other half of the time. Why are you even asking?“  
„Are you…kind to him?“  
Negan didnt answer.  
„Negan, you should try to be nice. You cant take your anger, grief, sadness out on the boy.“  
„I aint doing shit! Now would you possibly be so kind as to meddle around in your own business, thank you very fucking much?!“  
Instead of an answer Dwight handed Negan the glas of water.

Carl woke up from a nightmare. The first thing he realized was that Negan wasnt around anymore. „Daddy?“ Maybe he was in the bathroom. Carl wanted to get up to watch over Judith, when he remembered that she wasnt home yet. He decided that he would fetch her from Sherry and Dwight first thing in the morning. He didnt think it was necessary for her to live with the neighbours when they could take care of her aswell.  
He didnt know if he was allowed to leave the bed yet, but he got up anyway when he didnt hear Negan for a while. Maybe the man was outside or something.  
Carl got in the shower and when Negan didnt come to him he decided to indulge in a bath.   
The water was so nice and warm. Carl played with the foam for a while then he started to wash his hair. When he layed back and relaxed a little he heared something at the door.   
Two minutes later Negan came into the bathroom.   
„How often do I have to tell you, kid, that you mustnt bath when you are tired, huh? You could drown!“ Negan got rid of his socks and his trouser. Carl was delighted, Negan didnt bath with him very often.  
He threw caution in the wind and cuddled up to Negan.   
„Please daddy, can you help me wash my hair?“   
Smirking Negan did just that. When the time came to wash the foam out Carl handed Negan the shower. Negan held him by the arm. The water was too cold for comfort. Carl squealed and trashed around but Negan didnt relent.  
„Are you awake again, son?“  
„Yes, yes, yes.“  
„Get out of here and kneel on the tiles.“  
Shivering Carl did as he was told. Negan showered himseld down, fetched himself a towel and left the bathroom.   
Carl longed for a towel too.  
When Negan entered the bathroom again Carl wanted to hide in a corner. His gaze never left the paddle that Negan was carrying.  
„Do you know why you are in trouble, kid?“  
„No.“  
„What was that?“  
„No, sir. Sorry, sir.“  
„Thats quite allright, we will just add 5 more to your punishment. You arent allowed to take a bath when you are tired. You could drown. That is dangerous. Do you understand?“  
Carl didnt understand anything. He knew he was cold, dripping wet and it terrifyed him that Negan looked pale like a ghost. So he just dropped down on his knees and pleaded for mercy. He wasnt sure what Negan would do. Sometimes he showed him leniency, sometimes he would go through with the punishment.  
When Negan reached for a towel and wrapped him in it, Carl knew he was off the hook.  
„You really have to be more carefull, Carl.“ When Negan staggered Carl panicked.   
„Whats the matter, daddy? Wait, sit down, I ll fetch you a glas of water.“  
Negan went to the kitchen with Carl.   
When Negan reached for the glas he closed his other hand around Carls neck.   
„Just a little drowsy. Its allright. Now. What do you want to eat?“  
„I m not hungry, daddy.“  
„Not the answer to my question.“  
„A bread with scrambled eggs?“  
„You and your scrambled eggs. Is that a weird fetish or something? Arent you sick of it yet?“  
„I like scrambled eggs. Whats a fe…fe..fetch?“  
„Fetish. Forget I asked.“

„Enid asks if I can come over to her place for the afternoon?“  
„And didnt you forget something?“  
„Please?“  
„Yes, that too. And second, you are still grounded.“

„No, I m sorry, I cant come over. No, I dont think its a good idea to come over either. Maybe I can call you later? That would be great, thank you.“  
„Carl! Grounding means no cell phone. Put it away or you will be confined to your bed for three hours. Lets see if you can behave yourself then!“  
Sometimes Carl wished Negan would relent a little.  
He listened to some music, played by himself a little, read a bit. But when the boredom became overwhelming he came up with a plan.  
He rang the bell that Negan had left him.  
„Please, daddy“, he pleaded when Negan arrived at his door, „what do I have to do for you to let me go over to Enids place?“  
„What did you have in mind?“  
Carl wondered how Negan would take it. If he would indulge him or if he might freak out.  
Negan took his silence as a sign of hesitation.   
„Out with it, boy. I dont have all day.“  
Before he could think it over Carl blurted: „You can spank me. But please let me go see Enid.“  
Negan starred at Carl for a moment then he started laughing. He laughed for what felt like half an hour, then he bent down and kissed Carl on the forhead.  
„Bless you, kid, you are one brave little champ.“  
He was still laughing when he hugged Carl close to him. The boy looked distraught allright.  
„Please let me go see Enid.“ It was but a whisper.  
„Allright. Okay. As you wish. Lets get this over with then and you are good to go.“  
When he bent over his bed Carl wondered if this was to be his life now. Going from one punishment to the next, trying out Negans tortures. He wondered if he might ever get off Negans knee again. What seemed weird to Carl was that when Negan was in this mood he never aimed for actually really hurting him. When he checked later on, he never found any troubeling marks on his body. Negan also made it a point to check on small bruises beforehand. That act was actually quite embarissing for Carl, Negan allways took his time inspecting him, until the boy was sobbing in shame.  
„Does this one still hurt?“  
Sometimes Carl wondered why Negan would care for his bruises when he was the one who put them on his body in the first place. Still, it was a comfort to know, once the punishment was over, that there would be salves and healing creams for him.  
Negans hand on his ear ripped Carl from his thoughts. Ow.  
„You didnt wash behind your ears again. Jesus, kid, do I have to start with inspections first thing in the morning?“  
„No, sir, please I m sorry. Please let me go see Enid…“  
„If you wash yourself properly, you may go. Be back at 9 sharp.“  
Carl rolled a thought around in his head: Would the Rhees take him in for a few days too?  
„Are you sure Negan isnt withholding food from you? You look so… starved.“  
Carl smiled softly and digged into the pizza Enids parents had ordered. The impending spanking made him a little uneasy, but for now he tried to concentrate on the presence.  
Ron arrived five minutes late and was annoyed that they had started eating without him. But when he got to decide which movie they would watch, everything was right as rain again.   
Carl was so tired he fell asleep during the movie. When he woke up again Enid and Ron had cuddled up to him and were asleep aswell.  
Carl got up and fetched himself something to eat. When his gaze fell on the clock he froze. Ten minutes late allready. He looked at his cellphone. It had died. That had to be a nightmare. Negan would crucify him.   
Cursing lowely Carl searched for a charger. Then he jumped under Rons shower, he was sweating.  
„Do you have to go allready?“ Enid stood in the door, yawning.  
„I forgot to check the time. Negan is expecting me back.“  
„You know you can stay with us, if things get though, right?“  
Carl didnt even hear that anymore. He was allready running. 

When he finally arrived, the kitchen and the living room were dark. Negan was in his study. Carl suddenly felt too cold.  
It took him another five minutes to gather up the courage to knock.   
„Come in.“

Negan sat at his desk, overlooking his books for the month. They dearly missed Ricks income. Judys babystuff cost as much as their food. He could safe 10 bucks if he cut down on Carls sweets.  
He heared the boy at the door and waited if Carl would knock. When he finally heared it, he called his stepson into the room.   
Carl didnt look up, came closer slowly and kneeled next to Negans chair. Negan payed no attention to him at first, just kept writing. Hanging his head, like he was waiting for his execution, Carl didnt move.  
Sometimes later Negans hand came down to caress Carls hair. The boy flinched so violently that he tumbled over backwards.   
„Tell me, kid, have I ever slapped you, or hurt your head?“  
It took Carl a moment to answer, but Negan didnt push him.  
„No, sir.“ Smiling contently, Negan nodded.  
„See? No need to be afraid of it now.“ Negan continued to touch Carls hair, until the boy stopped shaking.  
„I m sorry I m late, sir. I fell asleep with Enid and Ron.“  
„I tried to call you, boy.“  
„My phone died.“  
„Give it to me. I said give it to me!“  
Reluctantly Carl handed it over.   
„If you cant take care of it, so you may use it in an emergency, I see no reason for you to have a phone at all. I will keep it until you can behave.“  
„I m sorry, sir.“ Carl looked exhausted.   
„Go to bed, Carl. I ll deal with you in the morning. Your bed. Off you go.“  
Carl stood there an awful long moment. He just stood there and looked at Negan. For a fleeting moment Negan thought he might kiss him good night. But then the boy turned around and left with a whispered: „Good night, daddy. I love you.“  
Negan smirked. „I know, kid.“ I just dont know why.


	23. Only hanging on for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I m so sorry

The morning came too soon.   
Carl didnt get up. He didnt see a reason.  
Negan thought so too at first. But then he remembered that he really needed to pick up Judy from the Rhees.  
He got up, had a quick breakfast, wrote Carl a note and placed it on his pillow. Gently he caressed the boys hair and tucked him in. Carefully, for he didnt want to wake his stepson, he kissed him on the forhead. „I love you, kid. Sleep well.“

„Are you allright, buddy? Is Negan home?“ Ron walked around in his room, speaking on the phone.  
„No. I think he is picking up Judy. But I dont know if she will be in the daycare center today or not. How are you? Do you want to come over tonight? We could play games or watch a movie?“ Carl sounded tired.  
„Will your jailer be there? If so, no thank you. I dont think coach Negan likes me very much.“  
„Dont be like that. Negan doesnt like anyone really. Well I hope, he likes my dad, but well…“  
„Speaking of…how is he?“  
„I dont know, Negan wont tell me.“  
„Hey, how about we go visit him?“ Ron suggested.   
„Oh thats a great idea, you would go to the hosptial with me? Thank you Ron. Lets meet at the bus station in half an hour?“

Negans puls was racing. He forced himself not to speed on the highway, thinking of his stepdaughter in the backseat.   
„Please god, dont let me be too late. Not again. Not like that. Please wait for me, Rick. Wait for me…“

When Ron and Carl arrived at the ward, Ron noticed at once that something was …wrong. He couldnt put his finger on it and so he pushed it away.   
A nurse went with them and Carl mentioned that it was strange, since it didnt happen like that the last time he came to visit his father.   
Ron excused himself and said he would fetch Carl a hot chocolate from the vending machine.   
When he passed the nurse s station he heared someone say: „I hope Mr. Smith hurrys up. Ist a miracle that the man is still alive anyway. Grimes wont last much longer. He is only carrying on for his children. Its good that his son is here. Now he wont have to hold on much longer.“  
Ron dropped the cup with the hot beverage.

„Daddy? Its me, Carl. I wish you could hear me. I wish you could wake up. I love you so much. I miss you. Please come back to us.“ Gently and lovingly Carl patted the hand of his father.   
He turned around when Ron nudged his shoulder. The cup of cocoa was passed on to him. Ron had bought another one.  
„Did you tell him that you love him?“  
„Yes.“  
Ron sighed. „Thats good. Thats very good.“ He couldnt bring himself to tell his friend what he had heared.  
Carl enjoyed the feel of warmth on his hands and the sweet taste on his tongue. And in the next moment he felt something cold in his neck and sour bile coming up his throat.  
„What. the. hell. are. you. doing. here?!“ Negans voice was ice and needles.  
„Please, sir, it was my idea, Carl had nothing to do with it…“ But Rons excuses were useless. He could see it. Negan was only focussed on his stepson. The man was deadpale. Out of reflex Ron took Judith out of Negans arms. It was for the better, god help them all, if the man fainted he might crush the girl.  
„Say hello to daddy, sweetheart.“  
Ron wasnt sure if the toddler recognized her father. But she started jabbering anyway.

Carl had to focus on his stomache. He forced the bile down. He thought he should apologize to Negan. But before he could do so, hell opened the gates. And it did so right in Rick Grimes room in the coma ward. 

Rick opened his eyes and the first things he saw were his children. Carl was still holding on to his hand. He took a deep breath. Everything hurt. His son looked up.   
„Dad? Daddy?“  
Ron turned around and brought Judy closer.   
Rick felt his hands going numb. With a might that was beyond him he squeezed Carls hand and reached up to Judiths cheek.   
„I love you two.“  
A horrible pain seared through his chest. He was deadtired. Now he could close his eyes.  
„Rick? Rick! Help! Somebody help him!“  
Rick could hear his husbands voice. He fell back into the pillow and didnt even feel it anymore.


	24. The cellar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The shock wears off and Negan shows his true colors

The monoton sound of the ekg was deafening.  
Negan frogmarched his raging stepson out of the room. Carl was screaming at the top of his lungs.  
The screaming lasted for half an hour until one of the doctors thought of giving Carl a shot.  
Negan wondered how breathing worked. It was so fucking hard.  
The nurse offered them a spare room to rest.  
„Good night, Mr. Smith.“  
„There will be no good night. Never again, nurse Rachel Brown.“  
Negan hoped that Judith would never know what she had seen. The toddler rested on Rons chest. Taking a deep breath Negan searched for his phone and called Rons mother, then he called Dwight. And Simon. And Arat. And the Rhees.  
Someone gave him a folder of a funeral home. And an other one of a psychic emergency service.

Negan was numb. He was sure that everybody in the room had something to say to him, but the words didnt reach him.  
Ron refused to leave Carl.   
Negan didnt dare to look at his stepson. Dissociation was a mercy sometimes. Carls soul had pulled up walls against the pain. Carl was far away, somewhere were nothing could hurt him.  
Simon and Dwight handled the funeral home. Negan just watched them taking phone calls.  
Carl refused the sandwich that the nightnurse wanted to give him.  
When she offered him sleeping pills to get some rest, Carl refused too.   
Negan was asked if he allowed that his son would get a shot. Numbly he just nodded. And asked if he could have one too.  
When the two woke again the little group of people hadnt moved at all.  
Negans first look fell on the empty hospital bed. Realization kicked in that he had never said good bye to his husband.  
Quietly Negan let the tears come.  
Doctors came and left again. Said something about Ricks heart. Negan didnt even listen. He just put the death certificate in his pocket.  
When they came and took Rick away neither Negan nor Carl did or said anything. They finished the tea they were offered and Simon took them home. Negan was in no state to drive.

Negan entered Ricks home. One day ago he had left the house as a married man with a family. Now he entered it as a second time widower. Sometimes he thought he had lived in that world for centuries. He didnt believe his passport saying he was only 52.  
„Do you have a black T Shirt somewhere in your stuff, kid?“  
Carl looked up at him in confusion, like he had just been woken up from a dream.   
„What do I need a black T Shirt for, sir?“  
„I will go find you one. We will have to buy a black dress shirt for you.“  
„What for, sir?“  
„Has Judy got a black dress somewhere in her stuff?“  
„Why would she need a black dress, sir?“  
Negan pinched the bridge of his nose. „The funeral, kid. What are you looking at? Kid?“  
„Nowhere, sir.“ But Carl didnt lift his gaze to meet his eyes.   
„What is it with the sir- thingy all the fucking time?!“ Negan lost it. He just lost it. He knew it wasnt fair on the kid. But he was so lost. All alone. And lost.  
Taking one deep breath after the other, Negan went to Carls cupboard, pulled out the first black item he saw and beckond his stepson over.  
Carl obeyed and didnt put up any resistance. Negan chanced his clothes and avoided looking in Carls eyes.  
„Rest a bit, Carl.“  
Gently he nudged the boy into his bedroom and coaxed him to rest at the end of the bed, just like every other night. Caressing the boys hair he hoped his stepson would forgive him. He pulled down Carls trouser a bit and before his stepson could resist he had given him another dose of artifical sleep.   
Carl looked at him as if he had commited high treason. Then he closed his eyes involuntarily.

Arat arrived, then Simon and Dwight and Regina. Negan sat at the kitchentable and didnt even have the energy to offer his guests something to drink.  
Regina stood at the stove. She had started cooking. Negan wondered if she planned on feeding a whole army with it, but when he watched her putting it in the fridge he noticed that the food was for Carl and him.  
„We need a suit for him.“  
„He will be wearing his uniform. Oh shit, I have to call the station…“  
„Negan. We allready did that. You dont have to do anything. You just care for your children.“  
„Do you want one of us to stay here with you, man?“ Dwight whispered.   
„Thats kind Dwight, thank you. I will call you all tomorrow at lunchtime, right?“

When they left Negan went to the bedroom of his stepdaughter. He put her crib into his room and looked at Carl. The boy was curled up at the foot of his bed and allready half awake again. Negan caressed Carls cheeks, kissed him on the forhead.  
„I ll be back soon. Look after Judy. I ll bring you chocolate from the gas station.“  
„ I dont want chocolate. Stay with me, daddy, please stay here. Daddy….“  
Negan was sure Carl was half dreaming. Of course he was talking to his father. It had to be Rick he was reffering to. He couldnt possibly mean him. Right?  
„Go back to sleep, angel.“  
„Let me come with you, daddy.“  
„No. Go to sleep. Stay in this bed, if you know whats good for you.“ Negan forced a stern tune into his voice. The strictness hurt in his chest.  
Please kid. Obey. Just once in your life do what I tell you. I cant punish you right now. Not when I look at you and see Rick.  
But Negan didnt say that.  
„Sometimes I m asking myself if you even should be near children at all, Negan Smith.“ Dwight was fumbling with his cigarett.   
„You did not just leave him shackled to your bed? Right?“  
„Of course not, stupid! What kind of monster do you think I am? Besides, he couldnt get up if he wanted to, he is drugged to the eyeballs. His sister is sleeping, according to this.“  
Negan held the babyphone up.  
„Sherry asked if you need anything from the shop?“  
„Thank you. We are fine.“  
„Did you hear back from the funeral home?“  
„Not yet.“

Negan looked at the little bag of chocolate bars. Hopefully Carl would like them.  
Judy was sleeping in her crib at the end of Negans bed. Carefully Negan lifted the babybed up and took it back into the girls room.  
When he came back into the bedroom, Carl was wide awake again.  
Gently Negan reached under him and squeezed the back of his neck comfortingly.  
„Have you been good, boy? Did you stay here and watch over your sister?“  
His stepson nodded gently.  
„Verbal answer if you please.“  
„Yes, sir.“  
Negan stripped Carl off his T shirt. „On your stomache please.“ Softly Carl started sobbing.  
Negan frowened: „What is it baby?“  
Crystal clear tears were running down Carls cheeks. „Please dont…please…“  
Negan frowened deeper: „Please dont what, Carl?“  
When Carl curled himself into a ball, Negan understood.   
„Carl. I m not going to hurt you. I m not going to touch you if you dont want to. I was only going to apply some of our sleep lotion. See? You liked it a lot some time ago, right? Lets see…Turn around again, I changed my mind.“  
Nodding slowly Carl unfolded himself again.  
Gently and slowly Negan applied a drop of the lotion to the tip of Carls nose. The boy laughed softly and relaxed a bit as Negan applied more of it to his face.  
Negan knew for sure that his stepson loved the smell of this lotion. He had said it would help him relax.   
And Carl was allready a bit more relaxed, because he didnt put up any resistance when Negans hand came near his throat.  
Negan was content when Carl closed his eyes. „Sleep well, kid.“

Sleep was a strange thing, at least Negan thought so. When he couldnt remember his nightmares it was bliss. It felt like a break of life then. When he dreamed it was another form of hell.   
In his nightmares he saw Rick.  
Negan opened his eyes and his first look was dedicated to his stepchildren. He got up and watched Judith sleep for a minute or two. She slept like an angel.  
Carl was still resting at the end of his bed, where Negan had put him. He was awake, Negan knew it.  
„You dont have to open your eyes yet if you dont want to.“  
The stepfather took one of the chocolates he had bought the day before out of the little bag and nudged it against Carls lips.  
Trusting the sweet smell, Carl opened his mouth. Gently he ran his tongue over Negans fingertipps.  
„Good boy, Carl.“  
Carl cuddled closer.   
„Now, didnt you forget something my boy?“  
„Thank you, sir.“

They danced around each other like shadows. Negan was on the phone all the time. Carl felt dissconected to his surroundings. Maybe some air might do him some good.  
„I m taking Judy to her daycare.“  
Negan didnt even react. Only when Carl reached for his jacket his stepfather kind of woke up.  
„Kid, wait. I ll accompany you. Carl, wait.“

The way back was as quiet as the way to Judiths daycarecenter.  
Carl was scrolling through is phone. From time to time he tried to call somebody but he never actually spoke to anybody. Negan wondered who he tried to reach.   
When they arrived back home, Carl ran up the stairs to his bedroom. Negan heared him foraging in the cupboards.  
„Do you know where our suitcases are?“  
„What do you need a suitcase for?“  
„Where are they?“  
„Answer my question.“ Negan sounded irritated.  
Carls voice was tense. „I asked first.“  
„Carefull how you talk to me. Now. Tell me what you need a suitcase for and I ll give it to you.“  
„I thought I might aswell start packing. Will you let us stay until the funeral, please?“  
Negan starred at Carl like he had grown horns and a tail.  
„Kid, what are you talking about?“  
„We both know that I am not welcome in your house, why are you making this so difficult? May we please stay until the funeral?“  
When Negan didnt answer, Carl tried to get past his stepfather.   
Negan slammed his fist next to Carl on the wall. „Stop talking bullshit. You arent going anywhere. Where would you go anyway?“  
„I had hoped one of my friends might take us in? Or Miss Maggie and Glenn?“  
A horrible headache made itself known behind Negans temples.  
„You will go to your room, put your nose in the corner and think about the bullshit you are talking. And if you so much as think about climbing out of that fucking window I will find myself nails and a hammer, got it? Get going.“ Negan gently nudged Carl in the direction.  
Sighing Negan fetched himself an aspirin. He didnt feel the need to check on Carl, the boy knew him well enough to know that disobedience wouldnt be tolerated.  
Ten minutes later Negan strolled into Carls room. His stepson kneeled in the corner, had his head bowed and didnt react to the door screetching.  
„What makes you think I would not keep you and your sister here?“  
It took Carl a minute to answer. „I dont know sir.“  
„Have I ever expressed the desire to get rid of you?“  
„No, sir.“  
„Do you want to leave with your sister?“  
„No, sir.“  
„Then I m under the impression that you are just being naughty and disruptive.“  
Carl was shivering.  
„You know, I should keep you in the cellar for a few days. Make you sleep on the floor, shackle you to the wall. I will feed you my scraps, give you a trashing three times a day. Maybe you will be a bit more appreaciative.“  
His stepson was getting hysterical. His breathing was irregular, he had started scratching at Negans hand that held him.  
„Would you like that? Having your own little time-out place? Dont look so frightened kid, you wont freeze to death down there. Of course I ll give you a blanket, what kind of monster do you think I am?“  
„Please, sir, please…“  
„Oh please, please, please. Believe me, eventually you will like it down there.You will make up stories to help you. If you are good I will even keep you company for a bit. And lets see if you wont come to the conclusion that this home here isnt so bad.“  
Carl was numb. Negan half carried, half dragged him down the stairs. To give Negan a little credit he put him into one of the warmer rooms of the cellar.  
Negan relented a bit, when Carl begged him not to be tied down. But he slipped out of Carls grasp with the promise to be back in an hour or two.  
Carl was numb all over. He just rested on the blanket, didnt dare to get up and he wondered why the tears wouldnt come. 

He had no idea how much time had passed when Negan came down to him again, lazily whistling. He had brought a cup of tea for Carl.   
„It wont do for you to get sick now. Have you been good? Did you think nice and hard how good it is up there?“ Negan kneeled down and let Carl drink from the cup. Carl was too out of it to drink properly.   
Negan had thought of everything. He had brought one of Judiths baby cups. Gently he nudged the noozle against Carls mouth and held the boy in his arm.  
„My poor baby. What a pity daddy allways has to be so strict with you. You know it pains me to do this, right?“  
The smirk exposed the liar in Negan.  
Gently the stepfather cuddled Carl a bit, watched over him while he was drinking and comforted him.  
„Do you like it down here a bit allready? I ve allways wondered why you dont play down here more often.“  
„Please daddy, take me with you. Dont leave me here.“  
„No, Carl, you will stay here for a while. Rest a bit, until I m back. And brace yourself for your first dose of my belt, right?“  
Carl waited until his stepfather was gone. Then the tears came.


	25. Climbing higher or a wake up call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Climbing and Carls flight attempt

Carl didnt say a word all morning long. He didnt want to risk pissing Negan off. He tried all small things he knew of that would reconsile Negan. A cup of coffee in Negans favourite cup, he ran the man a bath, he fetched the newspaper. That had been a grave mistake. When he opened it his gaze fell on a picture of his father. The locals had put the story in the newspaper.  
Suddenly Carl was back in the hospital. The doctors and nurses were running around. The deafening sound of the ekg filled his ears.  
„Carl? Kid, whats wrong? What…“  
Carl didnt even manage to take another breath before his mind shut him down.

Negan thanked his reflexes. He had caught Carl before he could have hit the floor. With a look at the newspaper Negan muttered: „ Fucking scandal-hungry scandalmongers.“  
Gently he lowered the boy down on the floor and started massaging Carls arms.   
„Angel. Its allright. You dont have to be scared. Come back up whenever you are ready.“  
It took a while. Negan picked his stepson up and put him back in his chair.   
„This disorder is a curse.“  
It took Carl a wile to resurface.   
„Get going and get dressed, we are going to the climbing gym. You need to get out of your head for a while.“

They dropped Judith off at the kids corner in the gym and promised to watch her climb around later.  
„Carl. Wake up. You wanna go first or are you going to secure me?“  
„Secure you.“  
„You still know how? Let me show you again.“  
Negan had chosen one of the more difficult routes. Carl allways wondered if there was something gymrelated that Negan couldnt do. It looked so easy when the man did it.  
„Carl? Carl! Put on the break please, I m coming down. Carl!“  
Ripped from his thoughts uncomfortably Carl reacted to the request. A moment later Negan jumped down right next to him and grabbed him by the arm.   
„What the fuck is wrong with you?! What were you doing down here, daydreaming?!“   
When Carl flinched back Negan let go of him and pinched his nose.   
„Look kid, I m sorry. Do you want to take your turn or do you want to go to the free climbing room?“  
„Can I go watch Judy?“  
„As you wish. I ll be in the free climbing area.“  
Before Carl left the area he turned around suddenly and hugged Negan.  
„I m sorry, daddy. I m so sorry. I hope I didnt hurt you.“  
Before Negan could react his stepson had flewn from his grasp.  
Negan waited until the boy had left the hall. Then he muttered to himself: „If you knew whats good for you you would have let me fall.“

Carl watched Judith for a while. She was having fun. Carl was gratefull that Negan at least granted her a childhood free of sorrow. When he watched the man being kind to his sister he could forgive him how he treated him sometimes.  
Sometimes Carl found himself watching Negan play with Judy. The sight of kidness and gentleness on his stepfathers part warmed Carls soul a little on the dark days. Carl allways remembered that there was this other side of Negan too. Sometimes Carl wanted to force a little of this normalness into his own life.  
Wondering how he should survive days without end in the cellar an idea struck Carl like a lightning.   
„Judy? Judy! Come down, sweety, I m taking you home.“

He told the lady on the front desk to tell his father he had gone home allready. Somehow he couldnt bear the thought that Negan might worry about him. On the second thought the man probably wouldnt. He would be a bit annoyed maybe. Maybe angry later on. He would have another reason to use his belt, his paddle, his whatever on his stepson.  
The thought alone helped Carl finding the strenght to run.  
When he arrived he ran Judith a bath and started packing her stuff first. He caught himself looking at the front door every two minutes.   
„Its better this way. I cant stay here.“  
Carl wondered if he could take a few sandwiches. Would Negan consider that stealing?  
Quickly he showered himself down and told Judy to pack a few books.  
When he was about to close the suitcase he heared Negan turning the key in the lock.   
He had expected shouting, a beating, another month in the cellar. But nothing happened. Negan just stood in the doorway and watched him.  
„Do you allready know where you want to go? Or cant you tell me?“  
„Cant tell you.“  
„It started raining. Do you want to go now or can you wait a while longer?“  
Carl didnt answer. Negan went to his cupboard and fetched one of his sweaters.  
„I dont want you to get cold, I ll give you this. I m guessing you have a blanket for Judy?“  
Nodding slowly Carl stayed on guard. He expected a trap, Negan might be exploding any minute.  
„You can have my scarf too. Fall is around the corner.“  
Was something wrong with his eyes or did Negan look sad all of a sudden?  
„Let me take a look at you. Holy hell kid. I m sorry it had to come down to this. Please go to someone who cares about you. I cant stand the thought of you two sleeping out there in the cold.“  
Negan reached under his shirt and held out their spare key for Carl.  
„You can come and go as you please. Take a hot shower, get something to eat, right? And take good care of Judith.“  
„I will.“ Carl held onto the doorknob.   
„And Carl? Dont forget, whatever anybody might tell you, whatever you might be thinking, whatever it looked like: I do love you. I have a hard time showing it and I know I abused your trust on more than one occasion. But I do love you. I would try to do better.“  
Carl turned around. „Why?“  
„Because you are everything that I have left of Rick.“  
The door shut behind Carl.


	26. The funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan and Carl say their good byes

It hadnt been real. Not until he saw the black coffin. Rick wore his uniform. His wedding band was on his right hand ringfinger. In his hands he held a picture of his children. A small bouquet of white lilys and white roses rested on his chest. Carl and Judith had woven a bow in it. „Last kisses. We love you. We miss you. Carl and Judith“.  
Negan had to turn around and cover his eyes. It was real now.  
He had respectfully taken a step back. Nothing in the arrangement showed that Rick had had a partner who would miss him too. Only a small wreath of red roses at Ricks feet showed that the deputy had had a partner aswell.

Carl was druged to the eyeballs. Negan had made sure his stepson wouldnt feel any emotional pain any more. The boy was so out of it, that Negan had to help him get dressed.  
„You dont have to say anything if you dont want to, right?“  
„I want to.“  
„Do you have your papers?“ Carl had written something down. Now he could read it off the paper.  
„Yes. Do you have yours?“  
Negan nodded. „Judith, where is your painting that you wanted to give to daddy?“  
„Here.“ Negan closed Judiths cardigan. They had had to buy a black overcoat for the girl. Judith hadnt had any.  
„Carl, where is your tie?“  
„I m not wearing that.“  
„Yes, you do.“ Negan pinched the bridge of his nose.  
„I m against ties. Daddy didnt like them either.“  
„Fine. Allright. Go get your jacket, we have to get going.“

The children were kneeling in the pew, even when everybody else was sitting or standing up. The whole service long they didnt move an inch.  
Negan wasnt sure if Carl was praying. When Judith couldnt pay attention any more she played with her stuffie or looked at the picture books Negan had brought with them to keep her entertained. It was a kids bible and a kids prayerbook.  
„Maybe I should have brought a book for Carl too.“ Too late now.  
Carl looked around when Negan wasnt paying attention. They didnt go to church every sunday. They went at christmas and easter and whenever they felt like it.  
It allways astonished Carl that father Gabriel knew them nontheless. Whenever they met the man on the streets he would greet them with the same enthusiam as he did with the old ladies that showed up to pray the rosary everyday at six o clock.  
„Carl stop gawking, thats rude.“  
Carl bowed his head again.   
Negan bit his tongue. Shit. Not the best thing to say to your stepkid at his dads funeral.  
Smiling sadly Carl helped Judith turning pages in her book.  
His stepfathers hand caressed the back of his neck. „Good boy, Carl.“

The service had started. It was hard to tell if Carl was even listening. All he did was stare at the coffin.  
During the second song Carl became agitated.   
„Do you need another pill to calm down? Baby?“  
When Carl didnt answer Negan nudged the pill against Carls lips until the boy opened his mouth. Carefully Negan helped Carl drink from the bottle that he had brought with them.  
„Good boy, Carl. Do you think you can do your speech? I can do it for you, if you …“  
„I m doing it.“

The words of „Sailing“ washed over Negan. He forced himself not to look at the coffin.   
„You are next, Carl. Can you do it?“  
Instead of an answer Carl squeezed Negans hand.  
Father Gabriel patted Carls shoulder. Carls smile was so faint that Negan wasnt sure if he had truly seen it.  
In a hushed voice Carl started speaking:   
„I remember holding my fathers hand. We were on a walk together, behind our house. He held me close to his side, so i wouldnt stray from the path. I remember my father holding my hand. He guided my pencil over the paper and I learned to write my name. I remember us joining hands before a hug. My father would hold me close and I would feel protected and loved.“   
Carl turned his head and looked at the coffin. He turned away from the mic, went two steps to the coffin and rested his hand over Ricks.  
„I will never hold his hand again. I love you, daddy. I miss you. Thank you for everything.“  
The pills didnt work anymore. The tears were running freely.  
Negan stood up from his place on the bench and gently guided Carl back to his bench.  
„You can let go now, Daddy“ was playing. Carl wasnt singing, Negan couldnt hear him. But he saw him moving his lips.   
When it was Negans turn to speak he watched himself from above. It was unreal and felt strange. Event though Negan was a showman this audience scared him on this day.  
„There are people in this room who knew Rick Grimes better than I did. There are people in this room who knew Rick Grimes longer than I did. There are two people in this room who loved Rick Grimes more than I ever could have. Some of you might not know me. I m Negan. Rick Grimes had been my friend and my husband for the past year. We were only living with each other for a couple of month until he was ripped from my arms.“  
Deep breath. Dont look at Carl. Dont look at Judith. Just get this over with.  
„As a teacher I get to know a lot of people. A whole lot of people. And never have I ever met a man as kind and loving like Rick Grimes. You all know that he was a dutiefull employee but I know that he allways put his children first. No matter what. And I think you will all agree with me when I say: We will miss you, Rick.“  
Negan saw the rest of the funeral in a fog. Sometimes he felt Carl squeezing his hands.  
Negan remembered Judith and Carl holding on to his hands when they went to the graveyard after the coffin.  
Judith said her goodbyes at the grave. Carl told Negan later what she had been saying.  
They each sent a letter to the grave. Carl didnt know what Negan had written, Negan didnt know what Carl had written. But they both knew that Judith had painted a picture.

It felt strange to Negan that Carl wasnt crying.  
They sat through the funeral dinner and could bearly eat anything. They stood side by side through the endless condolences.  
When the last guest left their home it was a miracle to Negan how Carl could be still on his feet. The boy had cared for his sister, had served the guest drinks, all non alcoholic, and had talked here and there and everywhere with everybody.  
Gently Negan guided Carl to his bedroom and helped the boy undress.   
Carl was begging Negan to forgo the sedative.  
„You need to get some sleep, Carl. You are all rilled up, I dont think you will find rest. Please, I m not going to hurt you, just let me help you.“  
„Please, please, please…“  
Negan couldnt do it. He just wrapped the boy in an extra blanket and held him close to his side, so the boy couldnt trash around in his agony.  
Hours later, when Carl was breathing evenly, Negan could finally let the tears come.


	27. Being left behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ricks death is hard on Negan too

„I never said I loved him before he went out of that door that day. I just said he should go allready so he might be back home sooner. I never said I loved him…I…“  
„Negan you have to calm down, you will make yourself sick“, Dwight held onto Negans hand, Sherry gave him a glas of water.  
„Go get some sleep Negan. Call us if you need anything.“

Negan was in bed for ten seconds when he felt Carls cold nose nudge into his belly. The boy wrapped his arms around him and sobbed.  
„I m all yours baby. I stay here with you. I m not going anywhere. Just please stop nudging your disgustingly cold nose everywhere. Hush, Carl, hush, you need to go to sleep now.“  
Carl started wiggeling around.   
„Dont make me give you one of those shots again. Carl. Go back to sleep, huh?“  
„Daddy…“  
„Baby, please, stop that, you dont get enough air. Come out of there. I assure you there is no way inside of me. Ouch! Did you just try to fucking bite? Carl, I m right here, please go back to sleep, okay?“  
Negan tried to calm his distraught, crying stepson down for two hours, until exhaustion gave him a rest.

They only got up for sips of water and for playing with Judith the next day.  
Negan didnt know why he was so tired. It was a bliss being able to sleep and not knowing anything of the world.  
Carl didnt speak, he only nodded or shoke his head when he was asked something.  
„Do you want breakfast?“  
Shake of the head.  
When he went back to bed it was kind of a relief for Negan to know that his stepson was right there, at his feet, curled up in his blanket.  
Negan had once tried to transfer Carl to his own bed. The boy had fought, scratched, bitten and cried so pitifully that he never attempted that again.  
He slipped back into the dark nothing.   
Negan woke again to Carls lowely whimpers. His stepson nudged his nose into his cheek.   
„Baby, what is it?“  
„Thirsty.“ Carls voice sounded small.   
„Bottle?“ Yawning Negan fetched the babybottle from the nightstand.  
Nodding softly Carl cuddled up to Negan.  
„You sure that isnt one of Judys bottles? We would have to clean it later, she might catch something nasty like cavity, you dont want that no?“  
Gently Negan caressed Carls cheeks and forhead while the boy was drinking.  
„How old are you at the moment?“  
„Two.“ Carl closed his eyes again.  
Negan put Carl back at the end of the bed and wrapped him up in the blanket again.

In the afternoon, when Judith was on a playdate with Sam Anderson and Lizzy, they visited Ricks grave.  
„Do you want to lit a candle? Here, let me hold it for you.“  
Carl put the candle down. „We will come here as often as you like, right? Just tell me.“  
Negan blinked away his own tears and concentrated on his stepson. He took off his scarf and wrapped it around Carls neck. The atumn wind was chilly.  
„We will have to go back to school in two weeks.“  
No reaction from Carl.   
„I rearranged my shifts at the garage to the early morning, so I can be with you during the day, would you like that?“  
„I will wake up all alone?“  
„Baby, no. Of course not, sweetheart. Judith will be with you, as allways. You are a big boy now, you can get Judy dressed and fed and you will drop her off at her daycare center. You will meet me at school. We can eat breakfast together if you want to.“  
Carl didnt look exactly happy.   
„I can ask Miss Regina or Miss Arat if they can help you in the beginning.“  
„That wont be necessary, I ve got this.“  
„You are a good boy, Carl. You will be good, right?“ Negan tilted Carls chin up and looked him in the eyes.  
„Yes.“  
„Thought so. Now we say good bye to daddy, tell him we will come back tomorrow. Have you said your prayers?“

„There has to be someone who is better at this job than I am! I cant be a parent! I dont know how to handle a kid, especially a kid who has just lost his father! Arat, give me Jeffrey Grimes number.“  
„You will pull yourself together, Negan Smith! Carl has seen his uncle twice in his life! How well do you think that would go?“  
„Well, better than with me!“  
„Negan, we are all here to help.“

Negan arrived at their house at ten, a little earlier than he thought he would. There wasnt much to do at the garage. Maybe he could drop out earlier tomorrow morning too.  
Negan had left Carl with the instructions to call Regina or Arat if he needed anything. He had thought the boy would allready be in bed. But there was still a light on in the kitchen.  
Carl sat upstairs with his sister. The girl was allready asleep. Carl had a flashlight on and was reading a book.  
Negan beckoned his stepson over and kissed him on the forhead.   
„Good boy, Carl, such a good boy, I knew you are reliable. I ll have to work tomorrow morning, but I will be back after ten o clock, right? We can share lunch then, right? Can you take Judy to her daycare center?“

The next day went to hell in a handbasket. Carl and Judith slept in. When Carl woke up it was allready half past eight, Judith would have been due to be dropped off half an hour ago.   
Carl hurried up but he was late to school nontheless. If Negan saw his black mark on the bord he was in for it. He avoided the man all morning but couldnt escape him at lunchtime.  
„I will have to cut your allowance. We will need that money for a babysitter.“  
Carl wanted to kneel at Negans feet and beg for forgiveness.  
„It will never happen again, sir, I promise.“  
Negan tugged at Carls ear a bit. „I will let it slid this time. One more fuck up today and we are having a date with the paddle.“  
It was useless. Carl couldnt do it. This family was a lost cause.  
„Yes, sir.“ Then he got up from the chair and left the cafeteria. 

Ron and Enid hugged Carl in the school yard. „Please, tell us if we can help you.“  
They picked up Judith together and cleaned down the house from cellar to attic. Enid and Ron made it a point to be gone before Negan arrived.

Carl was allready in his pyjamas and was reading a story to a very sleepy Judy.  
Negan wasnt home yet, even though he had been due to be home half an hour ago. When Judith was soundly asleep, Carl started cooking up dinner for his stepfather. Just some garlic bread and spaghetti with tomato sauce.  
When he looked at the clock Carl paled. It was half past ten. Fidgeting nervously he dealed Negans number and waited for the man to answer the phone. Mailbox.   
„This is Negan Smith . I cant talk to you right now, leave me a message NOW.“  
„Hey, daddy, its Carl. Will you please come home to us, I made us dinner. I love you. Bye.“  
Ten minutes later he tried to call the man again. Mailbox again. In his panic Carl bumped against the table, one of the glasses shattered on the floor. 

„Miss Regina? This is Carl Grimes. Is Negan with you? No? Do you know where he might be? I m sorry, Miss Regina, thank you. Have a good night. Yes, I ll call Mr. Simon.“  
Before he could call Simon, he heared the door.  
Quickly he tiptoed back into the kitchen and hid under the counter. His stepfathers first way led him to Judiths room. Then he came sauntering into the kitchen.  
„The little rascal is gonna get it. Really, damn kid, cant even take care of shards.“ Negan bent down to pick the broken glas up. Carl flinched involuntarily and Negan saw him.  
„Hey there, little monster. Why arent you in bed?“  
„Made you dinner.“  
„Arent you a little angel? Come on out under there. Come on.“ Holding a hand out for Carl to take, Negan crouched down aswell.   
„I was worried, daddy. Daddy? Did you…drink?“  
Sighing Negan cursed the sensitive nose of his stepson. The kid could smell the alcohol.  
Carl flinched back and crawled deeper under the counter.  
„Baby, I m not gonna hurt you.“  
„Daddy, you say that everytime.“  
Negan got sad at that statement. „Baby, will you share this meal with me? You havent eaten, have you? Come on out. Or do I have to feed you my scrapes?“  
Carl nodded vigorously and didnt move from his position.  
From time to time the fork was handed down to Carl. The boy said thank you each and everytime. Negan had yet to comment on the shards on the floor.  
„I know you can eat that perfectly on your own. Come on up. No? Well…“  
The fork didnt appear as often anymore. Instead Negan handed Carl the bowl of salad.  
„I want that gone. Get on with it.“  
Obediently Carl did as he was told. Next up was the garlic bread. Negan held a piece of it out for him.   
„You are a good cook, kid.“  
„Thank you, sir.“  
Carl relaxed more and more the more food found its way into Negans system.  
„You do know that you dont have to do that for me, right? Thats my job.“  
„You were gone.“  
Silence. Negan didnt have anything to say all of a sudden. Not even an „I m sorry.“  
„I am here now.“  
„Yes. But you were gone.“  
Negan took a deep breath. „Yes. I was gone. I will see to it that it never happens again.“  
That was enough for Carl.

„There has to be someone who is better at this job than I am! Damn it, Arat! I dont know how to deal with kids, and I know even less about dealing with traumatized, ageregressed kids who just lost their father! Give me Jeffreys number. Now!“  
Carl was out of the house quicker than he could think: „Thats a really bad idea.“  
He ran. He had no idea where to, he only had been at this place once or twice. But he knew the avarage direction.  
When he saw the motorbike relief washed over him. Uncle Daryl was home. 

„Do you have a suspicion where he might have went?“  
„Yes.“ Negan pressed the word through the teeth.   
„He is with his godfather. I ll bet my liver on that.“  
„His name?“  
„D. I. X. O. N. Dixon.“


	28. Nightly conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan blows off steam and Carl makes plans with his friends

„My father was shitty too, you know. You cant help it. Will he change? I dont know.“  
„Negan is nice to me too. Sometimes. I just dont think he wants me anymore.“  
Daryl handed Carl a glas of water.  
„What makes you think that?“  
„Leaves me alone. Drinks. Seems absent all the time.“  
Sighing Daryl sat down next to Carl.   
„Carl, I dont know if we can do anything about that. Do you want to stay here with me? How is Judy?“  
„He is good to her. I just…“  
„DARYL DIXON! HAND OVER CARL GRIMES OR I M CALLING THE COPS!“  
Carl flinched so badly that he knocked over his glas of water.  
„He is at the front door, isnt he?“, Daryl asked and closed his eyes. „Any chance that he might not try to break down the door?“  
„No.“  
Daryl opened the kitchen window. „Hey, asshole! Keep the noise down a little bit!“  
„I will be all good and quiet the moment you hand over my son!“  
„He is Ricks son and technically…“  
„HE IS NOT, HE IS MINE! AND I DONT WANT YOU ANYWHERE NEAR HIM!“  
„If he doesnt keep quiet the neighbours will call the cops.“  
Carl took a deep breath. If the police was involved he and Judith might get seperated. He didnt want that.   
„I m sorry uncle Daryl. I was thoughtless. Sorry for bringing you into this.“  
Daryl looked at Carl for a long moment. „Call me when things get though. This maniac is unfit to plead.“  
As soon as Carl entered Negans field of vision the man calmed down, like a monsterdragon who got his baby back.  
Negan put a hand on the back of Carls neck posessivly and marched Carl home.  
The whole way back to their house Negan was making calls to the police, calling things off.

„What are you going to do to me?“ Carl asked in a hushed voice.   
„What do you think I should do?“  
„I dont know. Put me over your knee, lock me up in my room, give me the belt, put me in the cellar, give me the paddle. You tell me.“  
„Kid, shut it. Just shut it.“  
„Will uncle Jeff take us in?“  
„What nonsense are you talking now?“  
„You said that you dont want us anymore.“ Carl watched Negans feet beside his. One step of Negans were two of his.  
„I said, shut it.“

When they arrived home Carl had expected to be locked up. It didnt happen. Instead Negan turned back into the monsterdragon, who got his baby back. They ended up on the couch and Negan almost wrapped himself around Carl. He was holding Carl close as if the boy could fly from his grasp.  
„You do understand boy, that you are mine and that I could castigate you for that little stunt you pulled with uncle Daryl?“  
The boy nodded calmly. Negan had expected tears or pleas, but nothing came. Growling lowely in his throat he held Carl a little tighter.  
Hushing his stepfather lowely Carl tried to calm down himself.   
„I m here. I ll stay here with you. I m not going anywhere. I am yours. I know. Please dont be angry.“  
Negan felt his stepson shake a bit in his arms.  
„Listen to my heartbeat. Breath through the nose, thats a good boy.“  
Yawning Carl cuddled closer.  
„That has been stupid of me.“  
„Right. Dont do it again. I should find a cane for you.“  
„No, please daddy, please dont. I couldnt bear it.“  
„Damn right you couldnt. Now be good and try to sleep.“ Negan held Carl close, ran his fingers through Carls hair and hummed a lullaby.

Carl sat with Ron and Enid at lunch.  
„You dont look so good, brother. Mum says you need a change of scenary. We should go on a holiday for the weekend. Just the three of us?“  
„That would be cool. Where to?“ Enid took a sip of her water. She handed Carl one of her mini-chocolate bars.   
Before Ron could answer Negan appeared behind Carl out of nothing.   
„Can I talk to you for a minute, dear stepson?“  
„Yes, sir.“ Carl left the chocolatebar and went after Negan.  
Somehow Carl felt immedeatly that Negan was pissed to bibbedy babbedy blue blazes. He made himself small and closed the door to Negans office quietly.   
„You wanted to talk to me, sir?“  
Negan was pacing around the office. Carl figured that Negans earlier class had fucked something up.   
„I know I m not supposed to eat chocolate unless you permit it. I m sorry, it wont happen again.“  
„If you fucking know it, you cheeky little monster, why did you do it then?“  
Instead of an answer Carl took the paddle that rested on Negans table and handed it to his stepfather.  
„How many do you think you deserve?“  
„I ll take as many as you want me to take, sir.“  
„My little saint. Six. Count them for me. The usual routine.“  
Negan took down Carls trouser.  
„Non of that squirming stuff, boy. If you move we will start over.“  
„Yes, sir.“  
Carl prayed that nobody would walk in.   
„Will you feel better?“  
„What?“ Negan dropped the paddle.  
„Will you feel better? You do this to blow off steam, right?“  
He received no answer.  
„Its allright. Go ahead.“  
„What was that, boy?!“  
„I m sorry sir, one sir, thank you sir.“  
„Right. I thought so. Now stop squirming.“

„Now, what I wanted to talk to you about, before I was so rudely interrupted was that I wont be home tonight. You take care of Judith, do your homework, lights out at nine. Any questions?“  
Carl looked sad immedeatly and before Negan could do anything against it he had hugged the man around the waist.   
„Will you tell me good night when you come home?“  
„Boy, you will be asleep allready. Non of that staying up and waiting for me stuff.“  
„But you tell me good night. Even if I am allready asleep. Yes?“  
Negan sighed. „Is it too much to ask of you to sleep in your own bed tonight?“  
Now he had upset Carl completly. Carl started crying.  
Negan sighed. „Forget I asked.“  
The gymteacher got up and paced behind Carl. From time to time he ran a hand through the boys hair from behind.  
„You know I should let you sleep on the floor infront of my bed. On a nice cosy blanket, would you like that?“  
Carl turned around and looked at him with wide, distraught eyes. Laughing lightly Negan patted Carls shoulder. „Repeat my orders.“  
„Take care of Judith, do homework, lights out at nine, no waiting up.“  
„ If I catch you being up there will be a paddle with your name on it. Got it?“


	29. left alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan is his usual grumpy self and David should fall off this earth allready

Since Negan wouldnt be home anyway Carl invited Enid and Ron. Together they played with Judith. The little girl was delighted to have friends over. Ron made a phonecall and called his little brother over, who brought Lizzie Samuels and her sister along.  
They put their pocketmoney together and ordered two pizzas. Studying was so much more fun when it was done in a group.  
They took turns in playing with Judith and tidied the house from top to bottom.  
„Coach Negan will be so pleased when he gets home“, Lizzie climbed up the ladder and started cleaning the kitchen window.  
Carls face light up like a christmas tree. „You think so?“  
Ron smiled sadly. „Do you think he will even notice?“

Carl had read Judy bedtime story after bedtime story. Now he rested at the end of Negans bed, still awake, waiting for his stepfather to come home. He entertained himself with thinking up scenarios: Negan smiling, hugging him, telling him he was a good boy. He replayed Lizzies words in his head over and over again.  
He looked at the clock. It was half past eleven.  
Carl got his mobile phone out of his backpack and dialed Negans number. Mailbox.  
„Daddy? Where are you? Can you please come home? I cant sleep. I love you.“

Carefully Carl got his favourite photo of his parents out from under the matress of the bed. He allways hid it there, out of view, because he didnt want Negan to think he loved his parents more than him.  
„I wished you were here. Mommy, I am so alone.“  
He hide it again and got up to find Ricks mourningphoto. Negan had placed it on the counter in the hall. Carl cradled it in his arms and went back to bed.  
He imagined Ricks smile, his hugs, his hand in his own.  
From time to time Carl looked out of the window, or he got up and went to the front door to look through the peephole. But Negan didnt come.

Negan found Carl curled up behind the frontdoor, wrapped in a blanket. He sighed.  
„I had said lights out at nine.“  
„Lights are out.“  
„Cheeky little monster.“ Negan picked Carl up and carried him to the bedroom.  
Carl cuddled closer. „You are home. You are here. I was waiting so long.“  
Sighing deeply, Negan dumped Carl on the bed, turned him around and delievered ten hefty spanks to his sitspots.  
Immedeatly he heared Carl breaking out into sobbs.  
„Daddy, why…? I didnt do anything.“  
„Oh boy, you should know better. Telling daddy lies, huh?“  
Almost instantly Carl wrapped his arms around Negans waist and tried to placated his stepfather.  
Somehow Negan saw the distress in Carls eyes.  
He grabed the boy at the chin and forced eyecontact.  
„You must think I m fucking stupid, right? Who was here, your little pisspatrol? The Andersonkid, Enid and the Samuels girls?“  
Carl was squirming in Negans hold.  
„Was the pizza tasty, kid? That was your last one for this month by the way, I hope you enjoyed it. You want to tell me what was going on here or do I have to look for our paddle?“  
„No please, sir, please dont. I dont need it.“  
Searching for a way inside of Negan, Carl clung to his stepsfather.  
„Lizzie Samuels is a nutjob and Ron Anderson knows my paddle better than you. Cant you make friends with decent people?“  
„Please, daddy, not the paddle, I m begging you, I didnt do anything.“  
„Yes you did, you thought I m fucking stupid.“  
„I just didnt want to be alone.“ Carl sounded so sad, so young, so small, that Negan let Carl off the hook.  
„Allright. Fine. Here, take it back, you are getting Ricks paincream instead. No arguing.“  
Carl submitted. It was easier than arguing.  
„I just didnt want to be alone. I ll never try to be sneaky again. Please sir, the oinment is so hot.“  
„Good boy, Carl. See to it, that it doesnt happen again. Go and bring your boxerbriefs over. The darkgrey ones. You still have them.“  
„Yes, but they are too small, they dont fit me anymore.“  
„Then they will be perfect. Go on, you will smudge the salve everywhere.“

Carl had calmed down. He was resting laziely on Negans chest and listened to Negans breathing. The heat of the salve had calmed down to a comforting warmth.  
Negan had applied it to his back too, on areas where he knew the boy was in pain from carrying his backpack.  
„Now go to sleep, its late. Try not to be late tomorrow. Take good care of Judith. Good night.“  
A kiss to the forhead. Lights out.

Carl felt sorry for Negan. The man was working so hard and was constantly stressed out. So he decided that the man needed a helping hand. In his break he sneaked into the gym and tidied up. On his way home from school, before he picked up Judith he fetched the groceries. He went to the playground with Judith, played with her and did his homework on the bench next to the swing.  
Judith asked once a week when Rick would be home. It hurt Carl as much as it hurt Negan.  
In the evening after dinner he sat in the living room, Judith was watching a kids tv show, Carl was studying a bit. Negan would be late again, thats what Carl assumed.  
Carl went into the kitchen and started whipping up some cookies from scratch for Judith. A little treat before bed wouldnt hurt anyone.  
Feeling generous Carl let Judith stay up half an hour longer than normal.  
They enjoyed the sweet snack together, watching another one of Judiths kids shows.  
When Judith was asleep Carl started making dinner for Negan and turned on the washing mashine.  
For a while he stood infront of the washing mashine and watched the clothes turning.  
Suddenly he felt a hand at the back of his neck and Negans breath on his ear.  
„Shouldnt you be in bed?“  
„What time is it?“  
„Way past your bedtime, little boy.“  
„I made you dinner. Good night, daddy.“

Days after days passed. Carl made it a point to be in bed when Negan arrived back at their house. Negan would allways eat what Carl had left him, come to bed and nudge at Carl with his feet, as if to check if the boy was still there. When Carl went to his own bed one night the man became so irritated that Carl escaped a trashing only narrowly. When he promised Negan that he would allways find him at the foot of the bed he was let off the hook.  
Carl could understand Negans desire to keep taps on him. It just bothered him greatly that he himself had no means to hold on to Negan.  
One night he threw caution in the wind and showed up at Negans pub at midnight. That had been a really stupid idea. Negan almost tore his ear off:  
„Who the hell is back home with Judith? How dare you make such a scene? Whats wrong with you?“  
Negan dragged Carl back home. Carl was hardly walking himself.  
„You stay out of my business, got it?“  
„Yes. Yes, sir.“  
„I dont think you got it. I should make you sleep in the cellar tonight, boy.“  
Begging for mercy, Carl asserted that he only had been worried.  
Negan made Carl ask for every single spank. They started over three times because Carl wasnt fast enough.  
In the end Carl found himself curled around Negans feet like a little dragon. He was sobbing softly. 

They made a deal: Negan would leave Carl a note in the morning where he would be going in the evening and when he would be home. Carl would do too and be in bed when Negan came home.  
„Why do you allways want to sleep in my bed nowadays?“  
„Dont want to be alone. Want to be near you.“  
The boy also told Negan that he would have liked it better if Negan let him sleep in his arms.  
„But I dont want you to wake up to Ricks eyes every morning. I dont want you to get sad. So I ll just stay down there. Its allright.“  
Negan wanted to slam his own head against the next available wall. He looked at the boy, curled up like a cat under his extra blanket.  
Sighing Negan shifted and reached a hand down to Carl. 

„I will have to work late tonight, David will be over to watch you. Take Judith tot he Rhees, will you? I will see you at night, right?“  
Carl nodded, wished Negan a nice day and went to his classes. 

„You absolutly have to come to my place this afternoon. You can take Judith with you.“  
„Thank you Ron, thats kind, but I cant, I promised Negan to go home.“  
Later Carl wished he had taken Ron up on that offer. 

When David arrived at the house Carl immedeatly sensed that something was…off. Maybe the man was drunk or something. But Carl was unsure.  
He didnt say anything, just stared at Carl.  
Carl read a book and was somehow quite reliefed that Judith would spent the night at the Rhees house. It was quite the strange evening.  
David was on his third beer in an hour and it was getting odd.  
„I m going to take a quick shower and then I m off to bed“, Carl announced. He was glad to be out of the room.  
Somehow he managed to turn the troublesome thoughts off under the shower.  
But when he finally got out David was standing in the middle of the bathroom all of a sudden. He was staring at Carl like he was a young bull at the market.  
Carl immedeatly wrapped himself into the towel. „You scared me there for a moment.“  
The man came closer and closer and brushed some of Carls hair out of his face. He did it agonizingly slow and Carl could smell the tabaco on his fingers.  
„No need to be afraid.“  
Something told Carl that the man wasnt telling the truth there.  
His cheek, his neck, his chest, further down.  
Everything in Carl screamed „Push him away! Tell him you dont want him touching you!“ But the boy just stood there, shellshocked, frozen to the tiles of the bathroom.  
When he heared Judith crying Carl came back to reality, turned around and fled. He dashed into his room, fetch his clothes and went to Judiths room before David could reach the last step. Just in time he locked the door of his sisters room.  
Holding his babysister close to him he waited in a corner of the room until Negan arrived. He felt relief wash over him when he saw the car pulling into the driveway. Now everything would be okay again. Negan would safe him. Negan would take care of him. Negan would kick Davids ass. Negan would believe him. Wouldnt he?


	30. We will be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan sees the light a Little too late. Carl gets help

Carl heared the two men talking, but didnt understand the words. He sat on the floor infront of Judys crib and kept his gaze fixed on the driveway. Only when Davids car left he unlocked the door. He went down to the kitchen, were Negan was drinking some water.   
„You are still up? David told me you were quite unruly tonight.“  
Carl flinched. That wasnt true. Somehow he longed for an embrace, a hand in his hair, a reassurance that everything would be okay. Maybe an „I m sorry I left you.“  
„Can I talk to you, daddy?“ Shyly Carl reached over and took Negans hand.  
„Whats up? Make it quick, I m tired.“  
„Its just…I dont know how to say it…“  
„Well think about it before you open your mouth.“ Negans patience was running low.  
„I…I hoped you would have noticed…somehow…I dont know. I wished I was your mirror, that way you could easily understand what I cant say. Daddy, I need you. I really really need you. I cant tell anybody else. Maybe you can help me…“  
„Boy, would you spit it out allready?!“  
Carl felt like vomiting. But that wouldnt help with anything.  
„He starred at me. When I got out of the shower. He touched me. He had his hands all over me. And I didnt want that. Why did you leave me alone with him, why? He is disgusting, I dont want him anywhere near me, I..“  
Negan had seized Carl at the shoulders and was shaking him so bad that Carl could hear the blood in his ears.  
„Tell me you are making this up! You are telling stories, arent you?! That cant be true, it cant!“  
Something inside Carl shattered. He retreated inside, shut himself off.

Sometimes later he found himself in his own bed. He tried to comfort himself with a little bit of music and the picture of his parents.  
„I wished you were somehow here again, daddy. You would believe me, wouldnt you?“  
Later he called Enid and tried to distract himself a bit with schooltalk.  
He wondered how he could ever face Negan again.  
In the morning he got up really early, scrubbed himself in the shower for an hour and a half and was out of the house with Judith before Negan had gotten out of bed.  
Now he was gratefull for Negans strange scheduls. He avoided his stepfather like the plague and managed to go four whole days without seeing him.

On Saturday at lunchtime he heared a firm knock on his door.  
„Carl Richard Grimes? Correct me if I am mistaken but are you still a member of this family?“ Negan sounded irritated and angry.  
Carl thought about it for a moment. „I …think so, sir?“  
„Then get your ass down to fucking lunch!“  
Obediently Carl put on a new shirt and went down the stairs.   
„Negan. Judith“, he greeted. He avoided eye contact with his stepfather, just took his hands and Judiths, listend to Negans short prayer ( only a small thanks for the family, and they only had started that after Ricks death), crossed himself absentmindedly and waited for Negan to hand out the soup.  
„Thank you.“  
„ Carl, thats not even half a ladle.“  
Negan didnt pressure Carl. The man had never made a fuss about food. If you arent hungry at lunchtime, fine, then you can eat it later.  
Carl forced himself to take a bit more veggies for the main course. Negan smiled softly and patted his hand.   
„Good boy, Carl. You have such a poor appetite lately. Arent you feeling well?“  
Carl smiled sadly. „No daddy. I m not feeling well.“  
„The school cafeteria told me that you only take soups or smoothies for your lunch. Is it your stomach? I can make an appointment with our doctor?“  
„No daddy, thank you. I just dont have an appetite lately.“  
„Make me a list with stuff you d like to eat, will you.“  
„I will, thank you daddy.“ Carl gathered his courage, stood up from his chair and hugged Negan.  
When Negan put his hands on his shoulders, Carl flinched so badly that Negan held onto him and demanded that he get out of the shirt.   
„Boy are you mad?! Did you burn yourself?! What the hell happened?! Wait here, I ll go find our aloe vera gel.“  
When Negan came down from the bathroom again his gaze was stern. „Carl, I went shopping a week ago and bought soap and showergel for two month. WHY on earth is that all gone allready?“  
Carl shrugged and begged Negan to let him care for himself on his own. Frowning Negan handed him the aloe vera.  
Carl locked himself away in his room.  
Later he heared Negan asking if he wanted to accompany him and Judith to a trip to the mall.  
Politley Carl excused himself.   
„Suit yourself. Why dont you call Ron or Enid, you could hang out or something.“  
„Thank you, but no thank you.“

It went on like that for two weeks.  
„I dont know what I can do. He is sad and depressed all the time, he has nightmares, he flinches when I touch him, he isnt sleeping in my bed anymore, he isnt eating right and he showers with a routine that borders on a new religion. No, Dwight, he wont tell me whats going on. Yes, stupid, I ve asked him.“  
„Why dont you pay Denise a visit? God knows you could both use it.“  
„Thank you Doctor Amelio.“  
„Negan, please, we all think you could use a visit with her. Sherry thinks so, Simon thinks so, and so do Arat and Regina.“  
„Well, well, well, well what the fuck is going on, mutiny? Five against one, thats a little unfair, aint it?“  
„Negan. You have to put the children first. Thats your job as a father.“  
„Stepfather, mind you. Stepfather.“

Negan called the psychiatrist in the evening. He figured it was the reasonable thing to do.  
„Get dressed, we are going out, Carl.“  
„I dont want to go.“  
„I dont care what you want.“ Right, because that was such a sensitive thing to say. Negan wanted to throw something against the next wall.  
„Where are we going, daddy?“  
„We are going for a little ride. Heres your helmet.“  
„You didnt take me for a ride in ages. Thank you daddy.“

Negan had expected a tantrum when they arrived at the office. But Carl greeted Denise politley and he smiled when she handed him a pad and coloring pencils.  
„Draw something that has been on your mind recently.“  
Whispering lowely Negan talked to the psychiatrist. „Something is…off about him lately. He is totaly withdrawn, he isnt eating right, he doesnt want to sleep in my room anymore and showering is his new religion. He flinches when I want to touch him, something isnt right, I…“  
„Deep breath. Calm down. I will try to help him.“  
Carl was clingy that day. He whined lowely and rested his head on Negans shoulder.  
Absentminded Negan patted his back.   
„Carl has a habit of regressing when he is stressed. Happens since his mother died in childbirth with his little sister.“  
Denise rolled a colorpencil over to Carl. Carl smiled and started drawing.  
Denise asked Negan to go for a coffee, she wanted to talk to Carl alone. 

Negan sat in the waiting area and stared into his cup. Then he called Maggie.   
„Good evening, Miss Rhee.“  
„Good evening, Mr. Smith. Whats the matter, Negan, is there anything you need? Shall I pick up Judy today?“  
„No thank you, its not that, its just… has Carl been…acting strange lately?“

Hands. Hands everywhere.   
„Are they yours? You arent copying your own handshape?“  
„No. They arent mine.“

Negan stared at the pictures. Carl was in a backroom, watching a movie.  
He hadnt want to see it. It had been worse than a nightmare. It couldnt have happened in this family. That shit was shit that happened to other people, not to his own stepson.  
But even Denise said that there must have been something serious going very very wrong. Negan left a note with the receptionist and left.

„Tell me you didnt do it! Fucking tell me!“   
David stared at Negan. The man before him was raging like a bull caught in a red towel.  
„Of course I didnt…the boy is making this up… I would never touch him…“  
Negan slapped David so hard that the man tumbled backwards.  
„You have 48 hours to get out of this town and move as far away as you can, fall off this earth for all I care, but if I catch you around here or anywhere near Carl after three days are done, you are going to wish I had killed you now! And thank your lucky stars that Carl isnt pressing charges. I have heared people like you dont last too long behind prison bars!“

„Daddy where were you? I was worried.“ Carl was upset. He clung to Negan as if he might drown.  
„I m here now. I wont leave again. Do you want anything to eat?“  
„No thank you. Are you allright, daddy?“  
„We will be, Carl. I really hope we will be.“


	31. Time for After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan and Carl are trying to live on

Carl was resting next to Negan on the bed. Negan rubbed and massaged Carls hands, asking everytime if Carl wanted this, when he moved on to the next bodypart. Smiling softly, Carl had his gaze locked with Negan and looked uterly relaxed.  
„Can you feel your thumb, angel? Is that nice? Yes, no? I m not hurting you, right?“ Carefully Negan massaged the inner part of Carls hand. Now Carl had his eyes closed. When Negan went on to Carls right wrist Carl flinched. „Sore?“ The boy nodded.  
„Something else sore?“ Nodding eagerly Carl pointed to his bottom. Negan chuckled. „Cheeky little minx, i didnt spank you in weeks. I think you ll need a maintanence spanking soon,“  
To his suprise Carl nodded eagerly. „Yes?“  
„Yes. Those are fun. You allways hold and cuddle me afterwards. I like that the best.“  
„Well, you arent really naughty, arent you, so I can aswell hold and cuddle you. How about we do it now? Go fetch me the small paddle and the spoon.“  
Carl cuddled into Negan as he placed himself over his lap.   
Gently Negan petted him. „You will be good, right? This is all fun, I m not going to hurt you.“  
Carl let it all wash over him. Negan didnt put force behind the blows. They were chatting about schoolstuff, about places to go on the weekend. Carl felt relaxation kick in.   
„Now, hand me the spoon please, darling. Are you still okay? Good.“   
Negan went for his sitspots. Carl started squirming.   
„Ah, you dont like that. Has to be done angel, cant let you get too comfortable. I want you to feel that when you sit down tomorrow. Want you to remember to be good. Hold still, open your legs a bit. Good boy, Carl, such a good boy.“

Cuddeling as close to Negan as possible Carl rested his head on the mans chest.   
„I assure you, angel, there is no way inside of me.“ Gently Negan ran his fingers through Carls hair. In secret he loved cuddeling the kid. But he would fall down dead before he admitted that.  
„I love this part of the spanking, dont you?“ Shyly Carl kissed Negans cheek. The boy had his eyes closed. Carefully he nudged his nose into Negans chest. „I love you, daddy.“  
Negan wondered if the boy imagined his father. He had taken to wearing Ricks aftershave, deodorant and perfume. Maybe that was the reason why Carl was so clingy the last few days. The smell signaled him comfort.  
„Are you okay? Sore? Thats good. Sit down on the chair.“  
Carl nodded. Then he reached for his stepfather.   
„Clingy, arent we? Well, close your eyes, I m going to be playing with your hair a bit, you like that, dont you?“  
Caressing his stepson gently, Negan made Carl sit in the chair longer than the usual 15 minutes. When Carl eventually asked if he may get up, the man allowed it.  
„Now tell me, boy, will you be good?“  
„Yes, sir.“ Cuddeling closer Carl sighed. It was done. He could relax a bit.  
„Hurts, doesnt it?“  
„Yes, sir.“ Carl lowered his gaze.  
„Well, thats good. Its supposed to. But I will help you out a bit.“   
Carl was glad that Negan used a normal salve.   
„I should use Ricks paincreme more often, you respond so well to it.“  
„No, daddy, please dont. I dont need it. It hurts really bad.“ Imploringly Carl held Negan at the wrists.   
Chuckling Negan ran fingers through Carls hair. „That was the reaction I wanted to hear.“

„Negan isnt any better than David.“  
„Dont say that. Negan is really trying.“ Carl sipped his hot chocolate. He had allready burnt his tongue.  
„Yeah, sure. Problem is, Negan is lying. Everytime he tells you he wont ever hurt you again, he is telling you a lie. Dont you get that?“  
„Ron, please drop the topic. We cant change it.“  
„I think you would be better off with us. I think…“  
„Grimes, meet me in the gym in ten.“ How Negan managed to sneak up to him so fast was beyond Carl.

„You wanted to speak to me, sir? Why are you calling me Grimes now?“ Carl was upset.  
„We are in public, have you forgotten? Help me tidy up here.“  
„Yes, sir. Gladly.“  
When Carl went over to the left corner of the gym to pick up two basket balls, Negan backed him up against the wall.   
„Please, sir, may I pass?“  
„No. I want you to push past me. If I dont let you, you start screaming.“  
Carl looked at Negan as if the man had lost his mind.  
„You want out, you fight me. Come on.“  
Fists against chest, foot against shin.  
„Better. Come on, try again.“

Carl couldnt shout or scream. It was stuck in his throat. Nothing came out.  
Negan seized Carl at the throat. „Close your eyes. Pretend I m anybody but your stepfather. Now, fight me. Get out of my grip. Anything goes.“  
Dissociation came out of the blue. Carl collapsed under Negans hands.

„Baby. Come back up here. Its allright. Daddys got you. I m here. Nothing can hurt you. Here, your permission slip. Go home, write me a message when you ve arrived. I ll excuse you.“  
Carl felt like a straydog, being sent back to the pond.  
On his way home he picked up Judith and they went to the playground for half an hour. At home Carl curled himself up in bed with Judith. He was so deadtired all the time.  
He woke when Negan shoke him at the shoulder.   
„Good evening, Mr. Grimes. Did you have a nice nap?“  
„Good evening, Mr. Smith. Thank you. Did you have a good shift?“  
Negan looked tired and worried. „Do you hurt anywhere?“  
Carl shoke his head.   
„Kid? I m sorry. I m sorry I pushed you into this fight today.“  
Carl wanted to say that it was okay. But Negan silenced him with a finger to his lips. „I m sorry I left you. If it helps…I roughed David up quite a bit. He will never come near you again. I promise. You can relax, he is moving away.“  
Carl exhaled.

„Tell me, you idiot, why didnt you call the police?! Abraham and Tara were good friends of Rick. Is there a specific reason this scumbag is still breathing?“ Dwight stood there in all his tooth pick glory and stared at Negan as if he had just suggested moving to the moon.  
„I assure you, the moment he sets foot into this town again, he is a dead man.“  
„I really do hope you are good to Carl. He needs you.“  
„What is it with you, Dwight, and allways criticising me about the kid? Go get yourself a kid with Sherry if you are such a great father yourself.“  
„I m not criticising you, I just…“  
„Shut up, D.“  
Dwight handed Negan a glas of water.   
„Rick would have handled it better. Rick wouldnt even have let that happen. Rick…“  
„Negan.“ Dwight had kneeld before his sitting friend. „You dont know that.“  
Negan didnt speak for a while.   
„Can you ask around in the club if anybody might show interest in purchasing Lucille?“  
„You want to sell your bike?“  
„I have to think about the kids. If something might happen to me, they would be all alone. Besides, the bike makes money.“

When Negan went to bed, he immedeatly felt Carl curling around his feet. „Hey there, babydragon. What have you been up to? Have you been good?“  
„I think so, daddy.“  
„You just think so? Up. Up, I said!“   
A moment later, Carls head appeared under the blanket and Negan felt the boy nudge his cold nose into his chest.  
Negan ran his hands down Carls back and spanked the boy lightly.  
„You do realize, babydragon, that you have your very own bed next door?“  
Carl nodded, but clung tighter to Negan and whimpered.  
„Tell me what you did today?“  
„Went to school, did homework, played with Judy, made you dinner. I dropped the big spoon for the spaghetti and the tile on the floor broke. But you can hardly see it.“  
The whimpers became louder immedeatly when Negan spanked Carl a bit harder.  
„I m sorry, daddy, please, I m sorry.“  
„Its allright, Carl. As long as you and Judith didnt hurt yourselfs. Just be carefull, right?“  
„Yes.“  
„Allright. Same procedure tomorrow. Sleep well, babydragon.“


	32. hanging out and Stressrelief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An evening with friends and Negans way of stress relief

Breakfast was usually a quiet affair. Negan was reading newspapers, Carl was looking at his phone. Then Carl spoke up:  
„Can I go hang out with Ron and Enid tonight? You will be home at five, right? I will fetch Judy, play with her til you are home and I ll go then? Please?“  
„No, you absolutly can not.“  
„Why not?“  
„Because I say so. I want you home.“  
„But I…“  
„Did you just contradict me?“ Negans voice was steel.  
„No, sir. I m sorry.“ Carl sounded frightened and he flinched when Negan reached over to pet his hair.  
„Thats what I thought. Because my Carl is a good boy, right?“  
The hand in his hair was nice. Carl loved it when Negan touched him gently. But the gentleness was gone a second later. Negan gripped a handfull of Carls hair and tugged lightly.   
„Right?!“  
„Right, sir.“  
„Thought so.“  
Negan seemed to think about something, smiled gently and said: „If you are good, I ll allow you to invite them over on friday.“  
A moment later Negan was wrapped in Carls arms. „Thank you, daddy, thank you, thank you.“  
Negan snorted, freed himself from Carls embrace and shoved Carl away gently. „Allright, allright, its no big deal, kid.“  
Carl started playing with Negans bandage. The man let him as long as he was only picking at it, but when Carl started to uncoil it, Negan snatched his hand away.   
„No! You know you re not allowed to do that. Stop that. What is wrong with you today?“  
„Sorry. Just want to make sure you arent in pain.“ His stepson cuddled closer.  
„Right. Fine, you know what, I m going to change it, and you can wrap it. Deal?“  
Negan went into the bathroom.   
Carl had never seen his stepfather without the bandage. The man had made sure to change the bandage only when Carl wasnt awake.  
„Here, baby. Now wrap it. Make it tight.“  
„Are you in pain, daddy?“ His stepson looked so worried that Negan cracked a smile.   
„No, sweetheart. Thanks for asking.“  
Carl didnt know what was under there. A cut, a burn, an old tatoo? Or was it only for stabilisation in the gym?  
„Now, my boy, get going and get dressed. I m warning you, if you are late to any of your subjects this week you wont be sitting comfortably next week. Off you go.“

„You know, Negan really is a spoilssport. Whats wrong with an evening out? You can even take Judy with you, did you tell him that?“  
„He said you all might be allowed to come over on friday.“  
„What do you have to do for that to happen? Dig a second panama canal?“  
„Dont be silly.“

„Is Mr. Anderson happy now? I sure hope so. Is he looking forward to your movienight on friday?“  
„Well, he…would appreciate it more if we could just have a nice night out…“  
„What, the Grimes estate not good enough for his highness? I m not spanking that kid enough.“  
„Daddy, please. You arent going to embaress me infront of them, no?“  
„Only if I can. Now, stop nudging your disgustingly cold nose into my chest. What are you, a dog? Stop that, iiihhh, kid, why are you so cold? Remind Anderson to be good, I ll be taking my paddle home with me.“  
Carl wished for the ground to swallow him.  
„Daddy, you do realize that you are driving my friends away from me if they are scared of you all the time?“  
„If they are good they wont have to fear me. Not my fault if they arent.“  
Carl wanted to bang his head against the next wall. 

Friday couldnt come fast enough. Enid, Ron, his brother and the Samuels girls arrived shortly after each other. Carl waited in the living room with Judith. Negan carried two bottles of coke up from the cellar.   
„Now listen here, pisspatrol! No nonsense, no bullshit, no nothing, got it? If you are up to any naughty activities there will be a paddle with your names on it, right? Now be good. Have fun.“  
Carl closed his eyes. That wasnt really happening.  
Mika and Lizzy were allready upset and cuddled up to Enid.  
„Coach Negan cant be too hard on us if we behave, right? Everything will be fine.“

When Carl went into the kitchen to fetch snacks Negan asked him which pizzas his guests would want. „Its on me, I ll order take out.“ Carl hugged the man around the waist.   
„Thank you, daddy. I ll pay you back.“  
„Hahaha. I ll think of something, kid.“

Negan left Carl money on the counter and left. He had told Carl that he would be over with Dwight and Sherry to help out fix things around the house.  
The kids entertained themselves. Card games, video games, playing with Judith.  
„Hey guys, look what I ve got.“ Before Carl could say or do anything to stop him Ron had lit the cigaret.  
„Are you mad?! Were did you get that? You cant smoke that in here, Negan has a nose like a bloodhound!“  
„Shit…I forgot. I ll smoke it at the window, right?“  
„You do know that this thing is unhealthy, right? Were did you even get that?“  
„A friend from…“  
„Shit!“  
That had to be a nightmare. That couldnt be happening. Lizzie had spilt her juice on the carpet.  
Enid got up and fetched a bucket with warm water and soap.  
It was hopeless. The stain wouldnt go away. Lizzies cheeks were wet with tears.  
„He is going to kill me.“  
„He wont. You are a girl, he has to go easy on you. Right?“ Ron looked over to Carl. He wasnt so sure abolut what he was saying.  
„We just have to…“  
„Anybody wants to explain what the fuck is going here?!“  
Carl closed his eyes. Negan was home early.

„Who did this?“ Negan kneeled down next to Enid and inspected the stain.   
„Please dont be mad, coach Negan, it will be gone in a few minutes.“  
„Not the answer to my question. Well?“  
„It was me, coach Negan. Please, I m sorry. It was an accident.“ Enid bit her lip, but the lie was allready out.  
„Please look me in the eye, Miss Nacon.“  
Enid couldnt. She just couldnt lift her gaze.  
Negan lifted her head gently and smiled.  
„I can smell a lie here.“  
„It was me, coach Negan.“ Lizzie was crying silently. Without being told to she stepped closer, but she also couldnt hold Negans gaze.  
„Carl?“ Negan didnt look at his stepson. „Go fetch me the paddle.“  
„No, please, sir it was my fault, I…“  
„One…“  
Carl turned around and hurried to Negans study.   
„Two…“  
„Im here. I m here…Please…dont hurt her.“  
„I will punish her. I wont hurt her. If you please, Miss Samuels.“  
Lizzie turned around and brought her hands to her head. She was sobbing openly now.  
After three licks Negan hugged the girl close, Lizzie clung to the adult like a drowning person would to driftwood.  
„I m sorry, coach Negan, I will clean it, I promise.“  
„Good girl, Lizzie. Accidents happen. It is not a problem. Miss Nacon, if you please.“ Enid stepped closer, now dead pale herself.  
„I believe you were trying to tell me…stories. You do know how I feel about telling lies, dont you?“  
„I m sorry, coach Negan. I just wanted to save Lizzie.“  
„Look at her. Lizzie is fine. We are done. Honestly, what did you think I was gonna do, have her for dinner with mustard and sour cream?“  
Now Enid had to laugh. Lizzie cuddled closer to Negan.  
„Now I believe we have to deal with Miss Nacons lie, right?“  
„I m sorry, sir.“  
„You will be.“  
„Please, sir, dont. She said she is sorry, she just wanted to help…“  
„Shut up, Carl,you are next anyway. Obviously you cant be trusted having friends over.“  
Carl was silent and hang his head.  
„Now, what else? Mr. Anderson. If I catch you with a cig one more time you will be meeting my paddle on a regular basis until you can pull yourself together. You can line up after Carl.“  
Silently Carl hoped that Negan would let his frustration out on him and wouldnt be too hard on Enid.  
Negan let Enid off after seven licks.  
Carl didnt even bother counting when it was his turn. When Negan finally stopped, he didnt let him up. „No. You will kneel here next to me, hold your friends hands and think about that it was you who put them in this situation.“  
Carl felt rotten. Negan looked into his eyes when he pulled Mika closer. The girl was allready crying. Rons brother was stoic. The one crying was Carl.   
And when the turn came to Judith Carl lost it. He grabbed Negans hands and held onto him for dear life, begging him to spare his sister. To Carls best knowledge Negan had never raised a hand to Judith. He didnt want the girl to fear her stepfather.  
Negan didnt proceed.  
He allowed them to watch a movie and retreated to the back of the house. But the mood of the little group was ruined. One after the other left.   
Carl went to the bedroom and curled up at the end of the bed.   
„Pisspatrol allready left?“ Negan had stood at the window, Carl hadnt even seen him.  
He hid under the blanket and whined.   
„Are you sore? Serves you right.“ Negan pulled down Carls pyjamapants and before Carl could smell it it was too late. The paincream smarted and Negan was generous that night.  
„I do hope that will teach you to be good. To be more carefull. No, hold still, non of that. Did you just try to kick? Just for that you will be getting it all over your legs aswell. Now, hold still.“  
„Please, daddy, please…“  
„Oh please, daddy, please, allready begging, are we? Spread your legs. Good boy, see you can be a good boy for me. Now we put on your pyjama and because you were good we can cuddle if you want to.“  
Carl smiled despite the pain. He cuddled closer to Negan.   
„Daddy? The pain salve cant really hurt me, right?“  
„Right. No it cant, it just feels hot. You arent really burning up.“ Negan washed his hands and went back to his squirming stepson.  
Instantly Carl clung to Negans hand and begged for mercy.  
Negan chuckled and let Carl cuddle closer. His stepson nudged his nose into his chest.  
„You are the worst. Was it your plan to isolate me completly? They wont come back if you are allways so strict with them.“  
„Well, mission acomplished. Good to know.“  
„Daddy…“ Carl whined.  
„Hush.“  
Negan let Carl cuddle closer. The boy looked exhausted. Negan ran his fingers through Carls hair. Carl seemed to relax. After a while Carls breathing signaled Negan that Carl was asleep.  
„When will I stop seeing him sitting everywhere in the house? When will it stop being so incredibly painfull visiting his grave?“  
„It depends. It differs from person to person. How did you cope with Lucille?“  
Negan sighed and closed his eyes for a second. He opened them again when he felt Carls cheek rubbing against his hand. His stepson had been playing with Denis s cat but when he sensed that his stepfather was upset he had come over to comfort him.  
Negan smiled a bit and nudged his indexfinger against Carls nose.  
„I m coping much better. I still have Ricks children.“  
Smiling Carl reached up and held onto Negans hand.

Negan waited for Carl in the car. He didnt want to intrude, he respected Carls right to privacy. He wondered when Abraham or Tara would come to lock him up in the tiniest darkest cell they could find. They never came to fetch him. Maybe Carl talked about something else with Denise.

Negan woke up from his thoughts when Carl opened the door of the car.  
„Hey, daddy.“ Automatically Negan leaned over to Carl. Carl reached out, wrapped his arms around him and gave him a peck on the cheek.  
„Hey there yourself. How are you doing? You still up for that hot chocolate?“ It had become their ritual. After every theraphy session they went to Jadis coffeeshop. Jadis didnt even ask for their order anymore, she saw them entering and two minutes later brought the two cups to the table.  
„ Hello.Sit. Drink. Thank you. Bye.“ Negan was sure those words were the only vocabulary at her disposal. She would allways sneak Carl an extra cookie and Negan could slam his fist down on the table and say „no“ as often as he wished, she didnt seem to hear it. This time Negan let Carl have the extra cookie. The boy smiled, broke the cookie in three halfs, wrapped one half into a tissue and handed the third half over to Negan.  
„You are a good kid, Carl, thank you. You can have mine.“  
Back at home Carl sensed that Negan was stressed. He went into the kitchen and made Negans favourite tea and played an album of Neil Young. Anything to calm Negan down a bit.  
„You like Denise, dont you, kid?“  
Carl nodded.  
„Well, she stresses me out.“ Negan rubbed his temples.   
„Here, daddy. Have a sip. Everything will be fine.“  
„You do know that I should be the one saying that to you, right? I m your parent, not you mine. Well…Everything will be fine.“  
Carl frowened and thought about what could make Negan feel better. Suddenly a smile appeared on his face, he stood up and left the room.   
„Carl, what is it now? What are you doing?“  
Carl came back into the living room, carrying the paddle.  
„Did you do something naughty and I didnt find out? What is the meaning of this?“  
„Want you to feel better.“  
„And you think I would feel better if I spanked you?“  
Eagerly Carl nodded, but looked worried all the same.  
„You are a little angel, my boy. Go on, bring it back. Such a silly idea, really. The paddle is a bit harsh for today, dont you think? My hand will be good enough. Come back here.“  
Negan took his time inspecting Carl.  
„Now, if you were naughty I would concentrate on your tighs and sitspots. But since you ve been good, I will make it quick, you shouldnt feel much. Tell me how you are doing.“  
Staying good and quiet Carl smiled to himself. Negan didnt sound stressed anymore. Carl himself took a few deep breaths and exhaled a bit longer.  
„You okay, down there? You still okay with this?“  
„Yes, sir.“  
Negan took his time. Finally Carl was helped up and embraced.  
„You are so crazy, kid, why would you let me do this to you?“  
„You feel better now daddy. I do too. Its so nice when you hold me. Daddy, can I go to the fair with Enid and Ron tomorrow?“  
„Be back at ten.“


	33. Time together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan and Carl are at home spending time together. Negan and his financial difficulties

„ I didnt even tell Rick I loved him. I just ushered him out the door like a straydog. I…“  
„Negan please, please calm yourself. It isnt your fault. You couldnt have know what would happen.“  
Negan and Dwight sat on the floor of the garage.  
„Have you talked to Denise about this?“  
„No. I m just there for Carl. Surley he needs support more than I do.“  
„Negan you have to talk to her. It might affect how you treat the children if you are so griefstrikken still.“  
„I dont know, maybe. I have to get going. I want to have dinner ready when Carl gets home tonight.“  
„Carls out? Good for him. I m glad that you are letting him out more.“  
„Of course I do, why wouldnt I? You guys all act as if he is my prisoner or something. Of course he can go out.“ As long as he comes back on time. But Negan only thought that.  
Carl jogged up to the house. Shit, shit, shit. His mobil phone was dead and he was allready five minutes late. Hopefully Negan would let it slide for once.  
Negan was in the living room. Carl jumped into cold water and cried out for him from the hallway.  
„Daddy! I m so sorry, I m late. Please forgive me, it wont happen again.“  
„Come on in, kid, you must be freezing. Do you want tea or hot chocolate?“  
„Hot chocolate would be great, thank you. Are you…are you mad?“  
„Now kid, why would I be mad, it were five minutes. Come on, get out of those wet clothes, you will get sick again. What have you been up to?“ Negan handed Carl a plate.  
They were chatting for a while until Carl got sleepy.  
„Tell me kid, does it bother you greatly sleeping tied to the bedpost?“  
„No, daddy. But why do I have to sleep like that?“  
Negan thought for a moment. „I guess I like keeping tabs on you.“  
Carl chuckled. „I m not going anywhere, daddy. By the way, thank you, daddy.“  
„For what, kid?“  
„For not punishing me for being late?“  
Negan grinned.

In the morning they sat in different corners of the bedroom and rolled a tennis ball between them. Negan gave commandos on how to do that. Carl thought about it as a mini-gym lesson.  
„Feet wider apart. Great, good boy.“  
„One of these days I ll get you some balloons to play with, would you like that? Just keep them away from Judith though. Hold on there a second kid, someones calling.“

Carl played with the ball on his own and listend half heartly to Negans phonecall.  
„Excuse the shit out of me, but do you know how much a package of diapers cost nowadays? Have you had to buy clothes every two month for your daughter because she is growing like a weed? No, I m not taking a single cent from their orphans pension, asshole! They will need that for collage! Listen here you prick, I work two jobs to support them and you call me greedy?! All I m asking is a regular widowers annuity. You wont give me that, because I wasnt married long enough?! Fine, give me back my widowers annuity of my late wife. WHAT?! Oh, screw you, you fucking douchbag!“  
Carl had gotten up and had gone after Negan. Upset and distraught he clung to the mans legs.  
„What is it? What happened when he called you?“  
Negan took a deep breath. „Nothing, baby. Just an idiot who wouldnt know math if it bit him. Hey, where are you going, we arent done here yet?“  
Worried mostly for his sister Carl went to his room and fetched his piggy bank. In the past his father had been responsible for his pocket money and Negan had taken over that responsibility when he had become his stepfather.  
To give Negan a little credit, Carl had never wanted for nothing. The man paid for his lunch at school and covered small things like pencils, sweets and new T shirts.  
And as long as there was a „please“ somewhere in there Carl was allowed to ask for things he wanted. It depended on Negans mood if he got it though.  
So Carl had saved a bit of money. Which he was now ready to return to his stepfather.  
„What is the meaning of this, what are you doing?“  
„I m sure you need it more than I do. For Judith and stuff we need.“  
Negan did nothing but stare at Carl for a moment. Then he petted his head and handed the envelope back. „Bless you, child. We will make it. You keep your money, its what your father would have wanted. Dont worry, I ll provide for you.“

In the evening Negan sat in his study and worked on his schedule.  
Carl kneeled on the floor near Negans feet and was reading a book.  
From time to time Negans hand came down on him and tousled his hair.  
„Do you have enough light down there, kid?“  
When Carl didnt move and was completly silent for ten minutes Negan handed him down a piece of chocolate from his drawer. Gently he nudged it against Carls mouth.  
„Do you sometimes think of dad?“ Carl licked on the piece of chocolate.  
„Yes, quite regularly even. Do you?“  
„Everyday, before I go to sleep. I talk to him.“  
„So? What do you tell him?“  
„I tell him about my day, I wish him a good night and ask him to watch over us.“  
„Carl eat the chocolate allready, stop licking at it, it is smearing my fingers. See? There, now clean them. Ew, you have a cold tongue, are you sick?“  
Negan thought for a moment. „Are you okay, angel? Not feeling uncomfortable or anything?“  
Carl cuddled closer to Negan instead of an answer.  
Smiling softly Negan gave Carl a chuck under the chin. Carl returned to his book.  
After a while Negan felt Carls cold nose and mouth nudge against his hand. Absentminded Negan picked at Carls ears.  
„Let me finish up here, afterwards we can cuddle.“  
Carl frowened and nipped at Negans fingers.  
„Or we can find the paddle. Its up to you, mister.“  
Immedeatly Carl stopped his behaviour.  
„How about you go and run yourself a bath first? I will be with you shortly.“  
Obediently Carl got up from the floor and left the room.  
„Dont forget to add some herbal oils to your bath. I dont want you to get sick.“

Carl rested in the bathtub, encased in mountains of foam. He had been soaking in it for ten minutes allready when Negan came in, sat down on the floor and nudged a glas of water against his stepsons lips.  
„Slowly, Carl.“  
„Come bath with me, daddy?“  
Negan started laughting. „You are so nuts, kid. You are not a toddler anymore, Carl. We dont have enough space in there together. Besides, that would be a bit unbeseeming.“  
„What are you talking about? Come on in, daddy.“  
„I will sit with you and help you wash. Now be good, no splashing. Sure the water isnt too hot for you?“  
Carl closed his eyes as Negan washed his face. When Negans hand touched his neck without warning, Carl flinched and splashed.  
„That will cost you three, my boy.“  
„Please, daddy dont, I m sorry, I didnt mean to.“  
„Five.“  
Carl shut up.  
Negan went back to washing his face. Being obedient and pliant got Carl praise, flinching and denying Negan acess only got Carl a higher number of swats.  
„Why dont you want me to wash your feet?“  
„Ticklish.“  
„Thats no reason, my boy.“  
Carl giggled and squirmed.  
„Now I want you to soak in here for ten more minutes, afterwards I want you on the bed, dont even bother putting on that pyjama.“  
Carl sank back into the bubbles.


End file.
